Boregasm!!

Ah, I don't want to be down on Irish movies, and like, look at the above mooks, it's not like others can portray Irishness any better, but whenever I go to Tescos, there's all the normal films sitting there in their fun boxes and spaceships and that and then a separate sort of quarantined section for Irish ones that form a bleak wall of worthy depression, Catholicism, 'the laaaand', politics, historical period dramas, gangsters, and of course abuse.

I've got very specific criticisms of certain Irish films, like did Stephen Rea really not know what sort of a pub he was in in The Crying Game, did his reaction not paint Irish fellas abroad as sexually naive, insensitive idiots? Sure a fella's head is all messed up with the troubles, he don't know what way is up...look out for the 'hilarious' twist etc.

I remember thinking How to Cheat in the Leaving Cert would be good, a heist movie to steal exam papers, but inevitably the plot was that one of their classmates had committed suicide because of exam pressure and that's why they were doing it. It had to be some worthy reason rather than a fun heist. I recently saw Middletown (both the town and the film, both equally bleak), viddy the trailer all shouting and classical strings and religious hypocrisy...we know, we get it! This imagined 1950s borderland bleakness must have been terrible. When Brendan Met Trudy inched Irish films into the rom com market but the trailer implies FEMINIST TERRORISTS!...jaysus lads could you be up to it at all...

There's a lot of funny people, smart people, intelligent people in Ireland but once a film project goes through the government sponsored route where half the running time is logos of cross border initiative and EU funding gubbins they get ground down in lengthy boregasms of identity and current issues.

One of my favorite Irish films ever is The Eliminator, an unashamed Peter Jackson/Sam Raimi type low budget horror that's very funny. The only picture I could find was a postage stamp sized scan of a Film Ireland cover, does anyone have any pics/clips of this gem? Surely even the a brief synopsis would pique interest

"Set in Northern Ireland of the future, Computer genius O'Brien is working hard to build the VIPER, a military supercar..."

Which brings me to 8.5 Hours.

When I saw the trailer first (yesterday) I was much more bitter, like this is an affront to sense and intelligence, and movie literacy, but then I thought well, I haven't made a film and my film studies knowledge attests that for any film that even gets made, there are probably 20-30 worse ones that didn't. So for that we should be thankful for 8.5 hours, not its actual running time, this isn't Fanny and Alexander, chance would be a fine thing. Instead I made up a dialogue between the director and the trailer guy:....

Director: We want something classy..

Trailer guy: classy or classs-i-cal?

Director: It's set in Dublin...

Trailer guy: Perfect, shot of Dublin then...

Director: it's about..

Trailer guy: I know, the end of the boom years, when was that? wendesday 4pm wasn't it? everyone's sad, even though some of them are getting the ride, what's that great line in it?...'oh fuck me that was good', perfect, we'll put that in, everyone says things like this during sex...

Director: It's about four working lives...

Trailer Guy: yeah! working alright! Working at the sex and drugs and bisexuality, and that, hohup! jaysus, so yeah they work at an office? I'll show the clock ticking, like Clockwatchers... hey! maybe they'll smash office equipment up like in Office Space...

Director: I wanted to deal with contemporary issues like the property collapse and immigration...

Trailer Guy: Yeah! I know, like a shady Eastern European guy/pimp maybe, he's the reason Ireland's lost its moral soul...plus we get to show ladies in corsets! high five! no, sorry, yeah, it's about the issues.

Director: It's about the emptiness of meaningless sex...

Trailer Guy: Hey! I just saw the trailer to A Serious Man, maybe a bit of headboard banging and an actress looking uncomfortable...perhaps a tough guy, or an office guy who thinks he's tough, with a cool catch phrase like ...'shooting...fish...in...a...barreeeell..."like that cool movie Shooting Fish, with the speech rhythms of genius Maaaat Beerry

Director: It's about sexual emptiness in Catholic Ireland...

Trailer Guy: Fuck yeah! I forgot about the church, a scene in a church where someone gets accused of having sex with a 19-year-old, implies the abuse scandal but won't get us into trouble...genius director dude ..oh yeah and drugs!

Director: It's about four lives that start to unravel....

Trailer guy: Hey, we'll get one of the characters to speak directly to the camera like in the trailer for Magnolia...awesome...hey wasn't there some gayness involved, better include that too as a sign of decadent times...and then we'll end with uplifting strings and people understanding each other...and...bam!! see ya at the Oscars dude! ...I'll be out the back offering my 'services'

Director: ahh thanks, I guess...

CF: Ken Korda's Speeding on the Needle Bliss

and of course...The Room