Thursday, June 18, 2009

Twitter twatter of tiny tweety top tips

Have been getting into Twitter a wee bit, like a total nowbiter, but am not totally convinced. Some things suit that short of a posting and some don't. My Twitter page is here. There's lot of grainy picture up a the minute of geeky bargains I've had. Strangely I can only tweet my uk mobile but can upload pics from the Irish one hence the useless pics, must find more interesting things to look at, undercrackers perphaps.

It's ironic that there's sites out there that allow people to do longer tweets? why don't they just start a blog? Or go the other way and start a program called 'Punctoplot' where you have to express your day using only punctuation marks or 'Syllibaba' where you can only use a syllable to express the mundanity of your existence...'blah', 'meh', 'argh' etc.

Anyway the main use I've found so far is to send top tips to Viz, it's good trying to get a joke across in such few characters, especially when you are trying to get something esoteric across. I like the tips for very specific groups of people but have an aversion to typing half the tweet in caps so that is curtailed.
It's hard to describe the best 'top tips' it's the one's that make a good observation or pick up on a scientific breakthrough or cult film reference and then debase in a purile way, my favorite one-two in this respect was the one about the human ear on a mouse's back and the suggestion that scientists should transplant a mouse's ear onto a certain part of human anatomy. My all time favorite though is:

'Don't answer the door. It might be burglars.'
Also great are the ongoing jokes of scale, 'half a boiled egg cut in half and the yoke removed makes excellent urinals for hamsters' and the old fun size bar making the eater feel like a giant schtick.
Forwith here are my viz top tip tweets
AGING MALE NOVELISTS: Write a book about an aging male novelist that gets off with a hot young woman, because like, we really need that.
HORROR FILM MAKERS: In lieu of genuine suspense, have a character saying goodbye and immediately getting run over by a bus.

HUMANS FROM TERMINATOR: SALVATION: Radiation sickness from the nuke at the start can be cured by simply ignoring it.
DRINKERS: Stick to drinking alcohol out of only one colour of bottle. When recycling you'll dispose of more bottles quicker.
FRESH PRINCE: You didn't need to stay in Bel Air for six years as those guys from the playground left after two months.
GHD Hair straighteners make ideal "mini-George Foreman" aka Gary Coleman grills for a single sausage or toast soldier.
BARCLAYS: Patronise your clients by assuming their poor lives will be enriched by a cheap plastic pen with "I'm Free!" on it.
BARCLAYS: why not call the bureau de change desk "holiday money" to ensure that your loyal patrons feel thick as well as poor.
GILETTE AD MAN: stop uncontrollably morphing into different people and maybe then you might not need 8 blades on your razor.

PEOPLE: Avoid heartbreaking relationships (and save time and money!) by simply not meeting anyone you like in the first place.

POSEURS:Claim to only like 'World CInema' and 'World Music' without admitting that ALL music and cinema comes from 'The World'

YOUTUBERS: Why not film a badly made spoof of the Mac Vs. PC adverts...that'd be just great.
JOURNALISTS: when writing about health care issues, use the metaphor that maybe the system itself is ill and needs a cure...

HIPSTERS: Give the impression you have the thinnest tie ever by making a tying motion in mid air in front of the mirror.
Twitterers: save up all your tweets for the day and write them in some sort of notebook on a daily basis to form a life story.

Television ghost hunters: why not add the prefix 'aspirant' to your job title until you actually catch some
Realous Zealots: why not be right about everything despite having no imperical proof based in physical reality via faith
ipod headphones make ideal cardio pulmonary resucitation paddles for comatose rotents
Ironically sexist comedians: if you want a joke about smartie tube-legged cats walking like robots check out some old Vizes

Friday, June 12, 2009

Soap box Arts Festival June 6, 2008, and surrounding days of infamy....

So superstar poet and comedian Marcus Keeley and I took a rock and roll road trip to Norwich to perform at the Soap Box Arts Festival at the Norwich Arts Centre. He to perform numerous poems and smear venietta into his face and me to present my Sex and Superhero Version 2.0: Now with added embarrassing pictures.

Soapbox Youtube Channel some of my stuff should be up there soon.

We stayed for a bit in the Fawlty Towers-esque Landsdowne Hotel. As I had the laptop and media drive with me, first things first was to check the night-time film suitability of the television. I managed this via an Alan Partridge-style 'mirror trick' of putting the television on it's side which made in squawk and turn everything a frightening grey.

On Friday we went Tim Clare's book launch for his book 'We Can't All Be Astronauts', which can be bought here. Tim also had a bit in the Independent about getting published.

This isn't Tim Clare, it other Norwich literary luminary Nathan Hamilton. We all went to the Birdcage and Havana, well I went to Havanas others had more sense.

Amy Nicholson

Jim Thompson and Slightly Offensive Steve

Marcus and organisers Amy Wragg and Jim 'The Legend' Thompson

Arts Centre Dressing Room

Sex and Superheroes Lecture.

Batman and his wee ballbag

Judge Dredd: The Early 1990s Cardboard N' Guinness Years

Sean the Spudtrooper


Organiser Stewart Harrington rips it up

On the way home, my regular train-ride/Viz combo no Drunken Bakers this issue, however.

you too tired? too tired to write a blog? then link to someone else's you dufus! for your blog!

Susie Showers

some mook


Hello there. Recently back from the Soapbox Arts Festival extravaganza. Young forlorn Marcus Keeley has done a wee post here. As blog titles suggest there was a lot of saying 'road trip' and 'for your health' and continued calibration of Kinky John Fower and Christopher WALKen impressions.


These pics are from a while back, but I love 'em. They are by fellow Irish comedy superstar Marcus Keeley and document a lovely post gig visit to Forbidden Planet in Belfast where myself and Gerard McKeown checked out the 'Goth Section'.

There is nothing that makes an aging geek happier than a large, soft core erotica photograph book.

Sure aren't we all 'broke but fixable'

I haven't bought this yet, on my last visit I spent 4.99 on this gem, but I went to visit the above and it seemed to have it's wanking/arrow pulling hand broken off. Thought 'Broke but Fixable' would be a good/wanky name for a comedy stand up show.

Let me get some action from the goth section!!


sure, aren't we all livin' in a Ghost World

"wow, that's lovely...I can't afford it though"

For prosterity my first major headling gig! at the Pavilion Bar