Wednesday, May 31, 2006

The animatronics guys are working overtime, after all that time on King Kong they have to go back to England to manipulate this chimp to issue...

how many poor animatronics guys have wires up these monged faces to make these so called 'expressions'

At least they've got a tranny so jimmny's interest is slightly piqued but it's like a facehugger scene from alien, how many fingers are happening there?

My one sentence review of Big Brother...

I would love to shake by the hand the special effects wizard who came up with these animatronics monstrosities because I am yet to be convinced they are in fact human.

X-Men III: The Last Stand : (by a fat fanboy over a poopy potty)

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Ratner you HACK!...

...I am convinced these may well be my final words (a close second no doubt to 'don't put that there!..') I have finally made it back to the broadband blogosphere and my Batcave, my Sanctum Sanctorum or whatever that house with no doors that Doctor Fate lives in. After a day travelling on the many public transports of auld Dublin town, (the Luas loses its space age appeal after a while especially after an unknown scanger lifts your digital camera straight out of your jacket) I decided to escape the dreary rain of Norwich to see X-Men III: The Last Stand.

Take my following comments with this in mind, as 'H' reminded me, I think X-Men 2 is one of the best films ever made, and it is one of my favourite films. In a quixotic PhD of superhero movies, X-Men 2 is the only one I look forward to watching repeatedly (has anyone else you known seen Supergirl or Captain America more than once, not too mention risking computer virus madness just to download the awful Justice League pilot from Lime Wire).

Of course The Last Stand had some good bits, the flashback to Grey with the spooky retro-digi bits of Xavier and Magneto, and some of the Phoneix stuff, but why is everything so slapdash and hurried? You know Singer would spend weeks on designing one gun, Ratner seems to tape a bit of crap on onto a hairdrier and go that's fine. In Jean Grey’s house the second time one can almost imagine some hapless PA prodding the frying pans with a stick to imply telekinetic powers. And what the hell was Xavier using to analyse her powers? some sort of plastic rain hat and some ipod headphones stuck near her bosom-type area. This not to mention the whole dodgy i'm building walls in your brain style action and the 'could you leave your daughter alone in a room with too dodgy men you've never met before' scene. ('are you sneaking around in there Charles? Whatever are you looking for?)

Wolverine falls through all those trees, I was expecting at least five seconds of him on the ground all mangled and in bits like C3Po or Robocop in Robocop2 so we could see the limits of his healing mojo but no! on immediately to the next heartless 2 minute burst.

You know it’s a bad film when Vinnie Jones’ ‘I need a pee’ line makes me laugh more than anything else. Vinnie fucking Jones is making me laugh in a film with Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellan in it?! What the fuck. I know it’s a bad film when I think , wow! A Guardians of the Galaxy film would rock! Maybe because I recently got this and was thinking a character called Charlie-27 is a great idea.

In my parallel universe the peerless Angela Bassett plays Storm (and every other Halle Berry role ever, it is a great universe, the Golden Gate bridge is blue but you can always settle) come on, face it, apart from showing her ‘puppies’ in Swordfish what has Halle Berry achieved? She is an atrocious actor, the nearest she should be to the role of Strom is seeing her on a Burger King cup while reading the script for B*A*P*S II: The Jumbo Breakfast Roll.

And all the deaths, Xavier pfft! gone, who’s he? only the cornerstone of the X-universe but whatever, there’s more explosions on the way. And poor Mystique, what is the problem with strong women in the X-Men movies? Deathstryke, Mystique Phoenix, in the words of the Brute, ‘off ya pop!’ X-men movies seem to have a distrubing trend of tolerating powerful women as long as they are within a very patriachal framework and as long as they do not get too much out of control, if they do it's a big stab in the guts by fan-fave Wolverine, come on, Juggernaut calling Kitty Pryde a bitch! now that's just not on, she looks about 12! especially when wee Booby Drake's after ya with his icy nob...

Again I have small niggly problems with all superhero movies but some of the things in this cavalcade of crap were just bad editing: bam! Magneto rips up the golden gate bridge in broad day light because it looks cool, bam! He slaps it down again like a big red rusty lad, bam! It’s night suddenly because the fight sequences look cooler that way…

In conclusion it has the charm and grace of a coprophagy Web site with X-Men 2 as a lovely Japanese lady receiving the ‘package’ and Ratner as a fat fanboy in one of those little baseball hats with a wee propeller on it as the ‘producer’.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Dude! I know the plane's just crashed and that but *look* down!....every cloud and that...

Well if I'd know there was retro computers involved...finally Lost claims young Jimmny

I know it’s not the networks’ fault for wanting to want to make lots of money by stringing the punters along like deranged teenagers with their lads in their hands saying ‘what no more?’, but I cannot handle the lap-dancer predisposition of American television series. It's like Six Feet Under, as soon as I saw this brassy tart of a series I thought great, its going to be a going to be strung out for about ten series, as (I have just been discussing this with a Sandler Jimmy).

So because of my fear/attraction for/to glamorous American types I was weary of Lost as soon as I saw the first promos (I knew, because it was glossy and the because Terry O'Quinn was in it) it was going to last more than one series so I didn’t give a fuck if there was a polar bear, who rode who, if there was a September 11 subtext, if there some sort of mystical plot, if they were alive or dead I literally couldn’t give flying fuck. Because I’m an atheist, when there was the ‘oh my god they’re really in purgatory’ rumblings I couldn’t care, but then there was the hatch! once I saw trailers of the hatch I went fuck yeah! Give me some that old style sciencey fictiony style shite I’m there.

So this Sunday, I'm lying in bed still recovering from the party on Friday—I knew it was a debauched party when I even went to see the Da Vinci Code* on Saturday just to get out of the house, we thrashed the place so much—and watched some Lost on the Channel 4 ‘on demand’ system, if by on demand you mean watching grainy online TV for a limited period for free and for 99p a pop...

I watched the first episode of the second series and was immediately hooked, why? Because it involved a guy down a bunker who had to put the numbers 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 23, 42 every 108 minutes into a retro computer while Mama Cass's Make Your Own Kind of Music is playing. It was total Twilight Zone jazz, they could have just started the whole series with that instead of a $10 million pilot and I would have been hooked. Throw it a Cronenbergian 1970s mysterious scientific-military complex and I am practically jissing myself. Finally, I know what everyone's on about, just before that World Cup shite where I will proceed not to care about what everyone talking about, is there going to robots with big swords playing football? is it going to played by hot well-built women in tropical climes? no? oh well, shut the fuck up then it is truly the mostly boring game in the world...

*Actually I went to see Confetti but there were so many shitmunchers thronging around to see the Da Vinci Code when I left , I felt, fuck it! I’m hungover, I can’t be arsed to going back to the house and it’s not like the Da Vinci Code is going to flop if I sneak in, it’s a victimless crime, the minimum-wage ushers don’t care, there’s free seats there…fuck, if I’d paid in I’d feel ripped off, like the last time I snuck into a film…The Village, gawd, it’d nearly put you off sneaking into the movies.

Oink! from Spanner's Galaxy not one of the best comics ever....

Oink! one of the best the comics ever (from a bobity bob bryne link)

Ahh the kind of thing that makes it worthwhile to mark essays and get grief off of students for giving essay coments like 'read more books'

Daniel Clowes expertly summarizes the feeling of having just marked 34 essays and having 24 more...

Daniel Clowes' Ice Haven

Daniel Clowes' Dan Pussey

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

More gems from Vice, the great Lorna Miller,

What do they get up to 'neath the cover darkness in their respective troll patches *shudder*

The future of Jimmny....

Man, I wish I had time to post more, don't worry though, I'm keeping a list of things I want to post on, mostly how You Tube is sucking my eyes out one grainy perverse minute at time. Or how American Apparel is my favorite company, but not for its clothes.

I'm curently in the marking hole, which is a bit like the pit in Silence of the Lambs 'It takes its pen and it scrawls 'is this relevant?' and 'where's the evidence?' over and over'. Occasionally great things get lowered into my hole (ooff! bad word choice) and I get to take a wee break (and another!).

Whilst in town today to pick up essays from the art college I picked up what is my wet dream Vice's Comic Issue. This great article on geeks and their collections is amazing, like looking into a mirror. Check out Zorikh above, proof that any goon with long hair can get away with moirder lady wise. How the fuck did this 37-year-old mulleted mook get his sweaty pudgy wee hands on a 24-year-old sword weilding lady. Listen to this guff:

Jessica, you’re Zorikh’s girlfriend. Are you also really into comics?

Jessica: Not entirely, but I do appreciate the art form, especially when Zorikh gives me an analysis and explains the whole process that went into the creation of these books. I’m a very physical, kinesthetic person, while I think Zorikh is more verbal and visual.

Christ I'm already imagining their 'love games' in my head, it's not pretty:

Zorikh: 'dost may I tip thou' fair lady's maidenhead with my mighty sword handle'
Jessica: 'Indeed, come hither Zorikh and fill me with thoust troll fluid'

I'll have to try and mark with that image in my head! so my about 5am essays will have things like 'Zorikh seeks to damn thoust grammer to the orc pic of bejazoidus.

Fellow insominacs please comment to preserve my sanity!

Shakira's lacklustre comeback echos my thoughts exactly: Don't Bother

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Derridaredevil: Poststructuralist Without him battle the arch-villain Logos!

I gotta see this....

You may remember, or have been trying to forget, a post I did a while documenting the The superhero-style meeting of Derrida and Wittgenstein see pic above for my bad attempt at the auld photomanip...but this invite that I got today renews my faith in academia, I gotta see this sort of zombie philosphy puppet show:

Arts 2.51, 1pm
9th May
'The Platonic Dialogue and its After-Lives'Tony Gash (LIT) et al
(Tony will be initiating a dialogue between Plato and Foucault.)
multi-disciplinary discussion group engaging with ideas, methods,theories and issues in the study of culture.
How exactly will this dialogue be initiatiated? cattle prods? exuming both bodies and dancing them around on string? I shudder to think!

You know I wish I was at this wedding...

From the Web site of Pugwash aka songwriter Thomas Walsh and co.

Man of few words: all of them funny.

I tired in vein a while back to find a scan of 'The Iceberg Desdomona' whose passengers were tragically killed when in hit the Titantic, it was once of Graham Linehan's Filmgoers' Companian pieces in the much-mourned (by me and Badbrute anyway) movie mag Neon. Through Linehan's Wiki wiki woo woo entry I found his fine livejournal blog: Why That's Delightful! AHompendium of Dorithies. There's no crazy triades or monologues just lots and lot of very funny thing's he has found with grat links and movies that, you know actually work.

Forwith my personal favorite links from this site:

1. The Colbert Incident in full. From Thank you Stephen Colbert
2. Stupid Comics
3. The Live Action Simpsons Intro
4. Great E! spoof from Peter and James Serafinowicz
5. These Celebrity Pixies Covers have just given me the horn! (have a horrible thought that something like that's going to be on headstone)

And a bit of new comedy writing for from the man Linehan:

"Two business types beside me in a cafe in Islington, power breakfasting over some sort of local enterprise scheme.

BUSINESS GUY 1: We actually came up with a great's really good...captures the whole thing.

BUSINESS GUY 2: What is it?

BUSINESS GUY 1: Eh... "The time is the time....the..." I can't remember. It's on an e-mail.

Great slogan!"

Saturday, May 06, 2006

my first job/house/grown-up dinner party this is totally what you're getting 'secret identity burgers', look at Kent's wee pickle eyes!

But don't eat too many, or this might happen....

Some of the things that get into my poor wee innocent ears.

Little to the left, I think I can pick up Terry Wogan...

Aural Pleasures: Bad, is there such a thing as aural voyerism?

God bless these headphones. They're like an aural version of Videodrome (check out this wikipedia link, it has the great bit of trivia "Barry Convex", is a reference to a convex lens" who'd a thunk it)...anyway.

So I’m listening to Elvis’s ' one night of sin' on my iTunes Party Shuffle there’s a wee glitch on the wireless cans and, I shit you not, I start to pick up whatever porn satellite station somebody next door is watching. This is great because I get to listen to English porn without having to watch it! I thought for a moment this was some sort of aural flashback/hallucination to something I had watched in the past or something that was ‘ahem’ accidentally put on my computer by bad porno pixies but (for once!) was not the case.

This dude or lady (who am I kidding, it's a guy) keeps flicking....the channels. It took a while to wait for a station ident and then this voice like Jayne Middlemiss pipes up

‘an wee can guuarnatee a ‘hole night o’ red hot action that ken reely hit ‘de spot'

Is this the spot of my brain that’s having a fucking headache listening to this gutteral whine? Because it's that the one this Red Hot station is hitting: the following is my 24-style real-time attempt to keep up. As this is UK muck it's all girl on girl so there actually is dialogue, not just some guy in tube socks and a pony tail going 'oh gawd, oh gawd, oh gawd' like some one's shot him in the arse with a tranquilliser gun. My so-called critical analysis is in brackets as it should be.

Man this is priceless, there’s this guy on the phone to two ladies (I presume they’re enjoying some sex toy of some sort) and he’s going:

‘could yew mention me wife’s name…while yew doin’ it….dem tit’s are luvvly'.

God, it’s like listening to Vic Reeves as Barry White…'that's great man...'

I’m not one for banning porn, but English porn should be, leave it to the Americans, they're good at it (ooh faint praise).

Whist!** he’s changing channels, I’m hearing bad dance music…might be a chatline ad

she's reely is a dirty college girl inn’t she’

I’m hearing panpipes for a second now bad dance music again now bad guitar music, God, he has got a short flarn* attention-span, he must be young as he hasn’t yet settled into a mature avenue of peccadilloes. He’s moved to music channels, now it’s Steve Harley & Cockney Rebel’s 'Come up and See Me and Make Me Smile' (oof! that must have ruined his *mood*)...he's back to the flarn.....

'you've got georgous you do sit ups? (how does that affect the georgosity of the bosum?) mmmI luv' yer arse...your breath's so minty it's so hot (is this in an aesthetic or an actually burning way?)

ohh some piano music, must be some classy lady love happening it feel so good don't stop...
Voiceover (from someone that sounds like Jade Goody): keep watchin' fem to fem night on Playboy TV...

Oh no, he's flicked back to that phone in thing where bad orgasm acting is punctuated with shouts not of passion but Dave? Dave from Enfield? are you there? Honestly the guys who ring in seem seriously confused and apathetic like they thought they were ringing into a model railroading show or something, they're like 'em yeah I'd like to eh...em.. er...put...that there', what are you talking about railway couplings or something?. emmm thank you so much for calling....

What! there's a guy calling from Galway called James, but he's not Irish though, in answer to the question 'are yew horneey?' he anwers...'yes, incredibly so...' James is *finished* and one of the ladies goes 'I remember the first time I was fucked in the class room, it was sooo sexy' (what? what the fuck!) Now there's some goon called Dave on, god he's a loon, 'yeur clit is so good' he says (good at what?) then he gets all flustered and says he's going to ram his clit up her pussy!! Another chump is piping up (barely) and say she wants a dominatrix. One of the models goes You best have your cock inside your hand boyo! (who is this? some sort of dominatrix Tom Jones)

It's just finished, thanks be to fuck, one of the model's goes "See yew next week for another Essex TV Live!" (is there anything in that program title that would make you watch it)
My fingers cannot type this shit fast enough, it's unbelievable how humans ever actually managed to populate the earth.

Conclusion 1, Comfort Stand Records' Wakka Chikka Wakka Chikka: Porn Music For The Masses Volume 1 is the only good aural version of po-nag-ra-fy.

Conclusion 2: The world is doomed! doomed! I tell ya.

*It’s Bobbity Bob Bryne’s phrase but I can’t stop using it.

Mr Frank Sidebottom. Conclusive proof that he isn't Mark Radcliffe...or is it?

bob and frank

A pretender to the Frank Sidebottom throne?

Aural Pleasures: Good.

Although it is no doubt hard to erase the last post from your memories, (I know it is mine), the original reason I wanted to do an aural post was to mention of the fine free and legal music I've been downloading. while googling Chris Morris's great Pixies spoof 'Motherbanger' I came across Blast of Fresh Air a monthly newsletter with themed downloadable Mp3s from WFMU, an independent station with a great stream and blog (currently with 39! count 'em versions of Zep's Stairway to Heaven).

On a similar note, there's Coverville a podcast specialising in great covers including a great April Fool's show with a supposed original version of Britney Spear's* Oops I did it Again by Louis Armstrong. Their podcast section includes great shows like Antique Phonograph Music Program and Sinner's Crossroads with Kevin Nutt.

Oh and there's a rare good band discovery from myspace with The Bran Flakes, which seem to be one of the few bands who have not sent one of those friend request things, maybe because they seem to be actually good!

John over at Counago & Spaves has thankfully alerted us to the Web presence of Frank Sidebottom who as some might remember, I'm looking your way newly found bro(s) Caddy and Bryne, as one of the characters of Oink. Frank should really do a duet with Artex Monkey!

*Christ! I thought this was spoof Web site but it's actually the official one. It looks like it has been designed by one of those ladies who are obsessed by unicorns a little bit too much.