Friday, August 28, 2009

Sugar Lumps

I know I'm late to the Flight of the Conchords love in but this song never ceases to make me bust my 'cannibals' laughing. I'm not even going to try to talk to ladies any more (plus ça change, plus c'est la même) I'm just going to learn this off and dance around....plink plink...

Thursday, August 27, 2009


The lime kinda likes the eager oral sex orange but it's had enough and is giving the poor wee orange the tap on the head to say, a la Gaff, "You did a man's job sir, it's too bad she didn't come, but then again who does....."

But the Lime loooves the comin cherry....

So yon Badbrute sent me a link via boing boing on the supposedly pornographic nature of the lovely wee Maoam sweets, with the hilarious missive 'Better find some new material Chief' ha ha, not all my material concerns copulating sweets.

I'm a purveyor of highly fizzy and sour sweets that most give up when they get to their early 30s, replacing such e-number madness with a number or e madnesses. I still eat this sort of shit and always laughed at the wrappers. It was included in my powerpoint comedy lecture on sex and superheroes, that the lovely Amy Wragg, Jim 'The Legend' Thompson, and Hannah Jones of the legendary Soapbox crowd in Norwich put up on youtube.

From the SoapBox Arts Festival, June 6th 2009 at Norwich Arts Centre:

This was part of the wider theme of my work pointed out by the Badbrute that my fine art works Which can be seen here have absolutely no subtext. I tie the Moaom stuff into comics and toys etc that can be read in a sexual way, hilarity ensues, but anything that has already been in the Daily Mail has a limited shelf life. I'll have to cut it from the act because I'll do it some time and people will think I was inspired by this shite in the Daily Mail rather than my own geeky loneliness.

As pointed out by Cakehead Loves Evil the Sun picked up on the story (with the hilarious title Get a room you chew) three day's after Miss Cakehead discussed the original letter to the Daily Mail.

Then the plot thickens as computer nerd, poet and damned evil gamer Mr. Stephen Hollywood alerts me to the presence of the below post implying that the whole thing is a publicity stunt. The fact that the complainer is the almost sitcomesque 'Stephen Simpkins' and the fact that, despite his horror at this 'pornography' (has anyone ever jacked/jilled one off to a sweet wrappers?) would lend this some creedence. As I mentioned to Mr. Hollywood, perhaps I could become a Haribo spokesperson, but then I would surely die from a Haribo 'Tangtastic' binge with a sour apple loop stretched around my wee lad while trying to fashion a autoasphyxiation noose out of jelly snakes.

Was Maoam 'carnal' complaint letter a publicity stunt?

Surely the whole tone of this letter was designed to kick up the kerfuffle it has:

"The other day, while doing our weekly shop, I bought for my two children Benjamin and Ofelia, a packet of Haribo Maoam lemon-and-lime confectionery." Benjamin and Ofelia? eating Moaoms? I doubt it. The letter in full is a great piece of fiction:

"The other day, while doing our weekly shop, I bought for my two children Benjamin and Ofelia, a packet of Haribo Maoam lemon-and-lime confectionery. It was only after I was leaving the checkout that I noticed the appalling illustration on the packaging.

This consists of a lemon and lime locked in what appears to be a carnal encounter. The lime, who I assume to be the gentleman in this coupling, has a particularly lurid and distasteful expression on his face.

I demanded to see the shop manager and during a heated exchange my wife became quite distressed and had to sit down in the car park.

I was told to register my complaint with the manufacturer. I'm glad I spotted this before my young children, who are both very sensitive.

My wife and I have always tried to maintain their innocence -- and to think our years of careful parenting could have been wrecked by, of all things, a sweet wrapper makes me livid.

I received a reply from the company saying that the wrapper design had been introduced in Germany in 2002 with a view to making the fruit figures 'more modern and lively' to 'better appeal to the consumer.' It said 'at no point was it intended to create sexual images.' It had been shown to a number of children and adults of different age groups, none of whom has made any comments referring to sexual content.

I consider this response to be less than satisfactory. As a member of our local church, I'm now urging other members of our flock to boycott Haribo products until this illustration is removed.

Pontefract, West Yorkshire"

Nice touch with the boycott ending, so now everyone is at least going to have a second look at these wee chews. Seems to be designed to provoke a Daily Mail readership.

Also interesting that he is from Pontefract, and parent compant Haribo happend to manufacture the Pontefract cake.

As a commenter on the Brand Republic piece says, someone had pointed this out in 2004 anyway:

Justinland: Fruity Snacks

Oscar Krisp: Stand-up Comedian - Audio Diary - 1 of 2

Whereas as I vent my spleen by venting my spleen, the great Marcus Keeley channels his bitterness into the character of -deluded stand-up comedian, Oscar Krisp

Oscar Krisp: Stand-up Comedian - Audio Diary - 2 of 2

Oscar Krisp, Stand-up Comedian

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Fringe Favorites 2009: Go! Go! Go! It's Caroline Mabey's Go Go Go Coffee Show...

I first saw Caroline Mabey at Edinburgh last year as part of The GCSE Revision Show, a great three hander along with Miriam Elia, and Seann Walsh. She also filled in a few of the Up the Arts slots that were on after us last year as her alter ego Helen Heels 'the land lady of the stars' of Sandy Hole guest house. As you can imagine one tires of the endless questions and cheap gags of some generic stand ups in ole Edinburgh so it's a great breath of fresh air to see something like Mabey's Go Go Go Coffee Show. Where some acts grumble about their time slot, Mabey has expertly tailored the show for 1.30pm and her enthusiasm really coheres the audience of various ages with animated clips, games, great jokes and silly hats. Who wants to be the harbour master? She has the sort of nervous energy combiend with great delivery and jokes that excellently teeter on the line between faux innocence and deliberately perverse that of course young Jimmny would enjoy. When some shamble around for 40 minutes mumbling guff and deludely call it a 'show', Mabey's is the real deal an hour you want to see again a few times, and if you are in Edinburgh there isn't much time! (it's not an nuclear attack or anything, it's just the festival will be over, the city will not cease to exist as the London press would have it: 'Edinburgh's nearly over!!!'.

Thankfully she is getting some good notices, a mention in the Guardian Guide, Bruce Dessau's Blog ("Imagine the slightly deranged offspring of a menage a trois between between Vic Reeves, Harry Hill and Floella Benjamin and you are getting there". ) Steve Bennett at Chortle. ("It’s unlikely you’ll find a show that mixes the unhinged and the fun in quite the same way, sending you out into the day with a satisfied smile on your face")

Check out her site here

Friday, August 21, 2009

Fringe Favorites 2009: Kabarett's Kleine Komedie oooo Laaaa dee daaaah!

This was in the lovely Voodoo Rooms, which at the right time would create an amazingly fun caberet atmosphere, but even at 6 O' Clock, Kabarett's Kleine Komedie rocked. Part of the great itsy collective it was a welcome break from the stand up and hear some top music emanating from classy, statuesque ladies in the form of the The La De Dahs who do 1940s style harmony covers of the likes of Radiohead's Creep.

Is like a funnier, smarter and less smug Sarah Silverman and also does a neat line in one of my favorite funny things: rocking out loads and going mental and then doing something really delicate like placing a chair on its side very carefully and slowly.

Ben Lurman continuing the musical theme there was the great Ben Lurman:

I suspect you may want hear the original?

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Fringe Favorites 2009: Dr. Brown in 'Behaves'.

Perhaps it was the stand up overload that Edinburgh provides and the fact that even for me seeing my comedy hero Stewart Lee provoked in me maximum respect at his technique but not the constant drain-like guffaws of the majority of the audience, but seeing something different immediately had me on the side of the drain-like. It was on my last mammoth day of show seeing from 10am to about 3am the next day that myself, George Quinn and Pete Maxwell encountered a certain Dr. Brown.

I suppose it's also a love of Tim and Eric too and instill in me the love of well executed awkward pauses and abortive attempts to say something, which Dr. Brown does for a marathon 10-15 minutes or so. Some don't like it, some do. It's a show where you genuinely don't know where it (or you) is going to end up, you could end up half naked applying sun lotion onto Dr. Brown's nipples. The assured acting and the world he creates means audience members just go with it to and extent that would be difficult for other performers. The fact that limply throwing a grape was the worst heckle anyone could muster shows the power of the performance, it must be very reliant on the types of crowd in on a daily basis but I would imagine most people into their comedy would go with it.

It was a tough venue too, The Globe is a sort of 1980s sweaty sports bar that was a reluctant host to the verious freaks and geeks of the fringe as the Nichol Edwards had to shut due to seepage.

There's some youtube clips but it doesn't do justice to actually seeing it:

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

"I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out"* Bill Hicks

Hello all back from Edinburgh safe and sound. Saw some great acts in Edinburgh but I firstly have to get rid of some bile that's stuck in my comedy if you'll excuse the following bitterness and (look above for the more positive stuff to come tomorrow).

Some people proudly say they are comedians, I'm like, well I've seen you stand behind the microphone and make some sort of gurgling noise and some people were bemused, but it's not the same as being a comedian.

You get this sort of shit over and over again....

MC: Whooo! give it up for emmm eerrr, don't know his/her name but I'm, emmm, err sure they're great....

this side of the room.... a...clap,

that side of the room
team b clap...clap,

[ clap, clap, clap, you fuckers even you don't like it just play along...clap clap clap until your hands hurt....every hour clap clap again....]

MC.... give a big warm welcome to:

[enter another bumbling 'comedian' looking very satisfied by the currently unearned clapping, in lieu of material we all get asked questions until will look like we are about to kill him and then a little half poo nugget of a joke might come your way if you put up with the interrogation, also it's good idea for the comedian to intersperse his own laughter continually, like a bad sitcom it will show the audience where to laugh because they have audacity not to laugh in the 'right' places, or ever]

......where are you from?, where are you from?, where are you from?,where are you from?,where are you from?,where are you from?,where are you from?,where are you from?
WHERE are YOU frooom?

any Scottish people in oooo...

any English people in ahhh

[maybe there might be more English people than Scottish people in and some sort of joke can be made at this point...]

anyone in from a working class area we can perhaps all laugh at ....

[but in an ironic way that so, so ironic in fact its actually just laughing at poorer people]

it's great to be here in what looks like.....Fritzl's house.....ooooo shocking?....oooo....something about Michael Jackson.....ooooo....edgy.....zzzzz

[no, as we've heard it 18 times already]

as you can see...a popular culture character that I think that you'll think I look like...[probably from Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings] has either let himself go or tarted himself up....or something

[probably a few more variations on 'I look like/think I look like but the popular culture reference is supposed enough to get laffs in lieu of actual resemblence, it sometimes doesn't need the popular culture cf 'I look like supply teacher' opening gambit of a well-known comedian]

'hello, it's great to be here in Edinburgh, isn't rainy?
isn't it?
isn't it?isn't it?isn't it?isn't it?isn't it?isn't it?

isn't it?

[if someone mumbles 'yes' at this point, you may get treated to something about a 'chav' stealing an umbrella or something, I don't know, I'm already dying inside]

ooooo I've eaten a fried Mars Bar and am going to die of a heart attack tomorrow....I'm only 47....I'll be the oldest person in Scotland....

[or something along those lines, vis-a-vis the Scottish moratality rate and love of deep fried foods]

have you read the paper today?
have you?
have you?have you?have you?have you?have you?have you?

[you may think a well placed 'no' might work but the bumbling oaf is way ahead of you]

well I've got a copy of today's paper I do! and there was a funny thing in it.....

do you want to see the funny thing?
do you?
do you?do you?do you?do you?do you?do you?
do you want to see funny thing?

[The comedian will then show you the "funny thing" is normally a pun or a photoshoped picture of a public figure as some sort of object or animal, this genre of shite can perhaps be best exemplified by Ricky Gervais showing a picture of himself in the Sun and reading out the sub-heading the comedian has just pointed and repeated a pun that a Sun subeditor made up and thought was funny....although there doesn't seem to be proof that the Sun subeditor came up with 'ipodge' perhaps it was all the creative invention of Gervais, but it hasn't stopped lots of comedians holding up whatever photoshoped shite that's on the front page in lieu of news to be held up in lieu of humour]

Then into the 'killer' material:
something like..... family background, race (it's alright to slag that race because I'm an eighth that/once met someone from that race), meeting a gay person (imagine that!), what their mothers/fathers/uncles/family members/conviently stupid mate/girlfriend says that was funny, chavs, gingers, australians (whatever group/race/nationality it's alright to appear to take the piss out of this week), stuff they saw in a television show/ad/film, paedos, buttplugs, Fritzl, Michael Jackson, implication that the comedian himself was abused.....only joking ha ha, wasn't that funny had you going, Jimmy Carr intonation, Ricky Gervais intonation, mild religious baiting, vague athestism, treating a mild answer back from the audience as a serious heckle and proceed with the 'your mum' stuff to cover up lack of originality and storm off....the end. forever and ever until Sept......

Anyway, the nadir this year was seeing a drunk comedian [in a paid venue late show] repeating jokes within the same set. Unintentionally funny of course, it does get a laugh in that the audience normally sighs or gasps at the repeated joke, and the comedian reads the gasp as shock and offence at his 'edgy' material about some shite and then audience has to shout: 'you said that already!' and in one instance, the comedian panics and goes straight into his other 'killer' line...the audience response 'and that too! fuck sake'....

Apparently there is still nothing funnier that, wait for it, people of the same sex who have sex or are in a relationship, any encounter with such people real or imagined will be the basis of 3-4, maybe more (god help us) minutes of comedy 'gold' (in the comedian's head) in reality it will be tedious and homophobic, but you know, people will laugh so that's ok...just a joke innit....

*See, these are called "quotation marks", you use them when you are saying something someone else already said, apparently there are still comedians out there that do not think they apply when doing a 'homage' of Bill Hicks, and say something like 'I'm going to hell...and you're all coming with me', or 'I am available for children's parties by the way'....I'm always toying with just shouting out 'Hicks!!' when I hear it, but face to face I'm very nice and supportive, it's only here in the dead of night that the bitterness comes out, gah!

Friday, August 07, 2009

Giggity Giggity Gooood: Belfast-Edinburgh-Dublin. 2009

There's nothing like a full satchel of stationary, It's business time!

Here's a list of the gigs I'll be doing if you are in Belfast, Edinburgh or Dublin on these days and what to see all new Jimmny rants!:

Friday August 7th Voicebox at the SafeHouse

With Marcus Keeley

Sunday 9th Sowerby and Luff's all Stars, The White Horse, Canon Gate

Monday 10th Verity Welch's Twisted Sister

Tuesday 11th Sowerby and Luff's all Stars, The White Horse, Canon Gate

Wednesday 12th Verity Welch's Twisted Sister

Thursday 13th Sowerby and Luff's all Stars, The White Horse, Canon Gate

Fresh Faces at the Fringe with Elsie Harris and Danny Worthington, will be popping and doing a bit during the first week.

Friends' top acts I'll seeing, more to added:

Paul Ricketts

Caroline Mabey:

It's Got Jokes In, 3.35 at Espionage Pravda

Then it's back home for:

Friday 21st August Comedy Dublin at the Ballsbridge Inn