Twitter twatter of tiny tweety top tips

Have been getting into Twitter a wee bit, like a total nowbiter, but am not totally convinced. Some things suit that short of a posting and some don't. My Twitter page is here. There's lot of grainy picture up a the minute of geeky bargains I've had. Strangely I can only tweet my uk mobile but can upload pics from the Irish one hence the useless pics, must find more interesting things to look at, undercrackers perphaps.

It's ironic that there's sites out there that allow people to do longer tweets? why don't they just start a blog? Or go the other way and start a program called 'Punctoplot' where you have to express your day using only punctuation marks or 'Syllibaba' where you can only use a syllable to express the mundanity of your existence...'blah', 'meh', 'argh' etc.

Anyway the main use I've found so far is to send top tips to Viz, it's good trying to get a joke across in such few characters, especially when you are trying to get something esoteric across. I like the tips for very specific groups of people but have an aversion to typing half the tweet in caps so that is curtailed.

It's hard to describe the best 'top tips' it's the one's that make a good observation or pick up on a scientific breakthrough or cult film reference and then debase in a purile way, my favorite one-two in this respect was the one about the human ear on a mouse's back and the suggestion that scientists should transplant a mouse's ear onto a certain part of human anatomy. My all time favorite though is:

'Don't answer the door. It might be burglars.'

Also great are the ongoing jokes of scale, 'half a boiled egg cut in half and the yoke removed makes excellent urinals for hamsters' and the old fun size bar making the eater feel like a giant schtick.

Forwith here are my viz top tip tweets

AGING MALE NOVELISTS: Write a book about an aging male novelist that gets off with a hot young woman, because like, we really need that.

HORROR FILM MAKERS: In lieu of genuine suspense, have a character saying goodbye and immediately getting run over by a bus.

HUMANS FROM TERMINATOR: SALVATION: Radiation sickness from the nuke at the start can be cured by simply ignoring it.

DRINKERS: Stick to drinking alcohol out of only one colour of bottle. When recycling you'll dispose of more bottles quicker.

FRESH PRINCE: You didn't need to stay in Bel Air for six years as those guys from the playground left after two months.

GHD Hair straighteners make ideal "mini-George Foreman" aka Gary Coleman grills for a single sausage or toast soldier.

BARCLAYS: Patronise your clients by assuming their poor lives will be enriched by a cheap plastic pen with "I'm Free!" on it.

BARCLAYS: why not call the bureau de change desk "holiday money" to ensure that your loyal patrons feel thick as well as poor.

GILETTE AD MAN: stop uncontrollably morphing into different people and maybe then you might not need 8 blades on your razor.

PEOPLE: Avoid heartbreaking relationships (and save time and money!) by simply not meeting anyone you like in the first place.

POSEURS:Claim to only like 'World CInema' and 'World Music' without admitting that ALL music and cinema comes from 'The World'

YOUTUBERS: Why not film a badly made spoof of the Mac Vs. PC adverts...that'd be just great.

JOURNALISTS: when writing about health care issues, use the metaphor that maybe the system itself is ill and needs a cure...

HIPSTERS: Give the impression you have the thinnest tie ever by making a tying motion in mid air in front of the mirror.

Twitterers: save up all your tweets for the day and write them in some sort of notebook on a daily basis to form a life story.

Television ghost hunters: why not add the prefix 'aspirant' to your job title until you actually catch some

Realous Zealots: why not be right about everything despite having no imperical proof based in physical reality via faith

ipod headphones make ideal cardio pulmonary resucitation paddles for comatose rotents

Ironically sexist comedians: if you want a joke about smartie tube-legged cats walking like robots check out some old Vizes

'Don't Answer the Door it might be burglars'...the genius of Viz

For me, Viz is kinda like South Park, once the media brouhaha kicks over they both quitely get on with producing really funny material under the radar.

I picked up the lastest copy of Viz for the train/plane journey home recently and laughed my ass off at the every page, letterbocks and top tips still do it for me and the random strips with minor celebs such as 'Tony Slattery and His Phoney Cattery' are great. Of course, the stand out is The Drunken Bakers by Barney Farmer and Lee Healey. Healey has a site with selected reprints. It's a surreal strip where time and sense are distorted like no other with a fine line in horrific depression.
It has been getting respectable press too, e.g. Steve Lowe's Why I Love the Drunken Bakers:

The essentials don't vary much: the average black-and-white, page-long episode sees a customer coming in with a simple request for, say, a wedding cake or some buns. With the best of intentions, the sweet-looking, white-haired pair head out back to gather ingredients and mix dough. But soon, one will quietly suggest a little drop of something - Drambuie or gin, perhaps - and the other will stoically agree. Before long, they're both staggering round a smoke-filled bakery surrounded by empty spirits bottles. Again. It's tricky to say what's so appealing about their slide from being worthy citizens to utterly wrecked lost souls.

In the lastest issue the board game called 'waiting for a parcel' and the 'we love eggs' page is genius, with eggs facts like ostrich eggs being perfect for making omlettes for the world's largest man, with the later fact that Calvin Phillips the world's smallest man used to dine on omlettes made from humming bird eggs, before he died from the world's tiniest heart attack.

As much as they were a dirty reposte to stuffy DC Thompson comics like The Beano and The Dandy, Viz does seem quint these days with references to 'grumble mags' like Razzle, but that's part of its charm.

The current Viz Website has a a submit form for top tips and letterbocks adding to the mystery of how much of said features are reader generated or written in house. I will always remember the top tip: 'don't answer the door it might be burglars'.

Here's some I submitted for the laugh:

Knight Rider Fans, whenever Knight Rider isn’t on, try watching Street Hawk twice for the same effect.

Young Twats. Try wearing Trilbies indoors to save people the trouble of talking to you and finding out if you are a cunt or not.

Ryanair Passengers. Recreate the mindset of a serial killer by flying in one of our planes in front of shaven-headed kids called ‘oliver’ that kick the back of the seat repeatedly, and getting offered Baveria at 3.50 and scratch cards from an eastern European air hostess who are exactly two thirds less attractive than you thought they'd be.

Jimmy Carr. If you’re ever stuck for material, just use the Top Tips joke about using smartie tubes on cat’s legs to make him walk like a robot, but remember to do a horrible face and robot arms when saying the line so Viz fans won’t get upset.

Alcoholics. Go to different off-licenses all the time so it doesn’t look like you drink as much as you do.

People. Avoid the pain and misery from the death of loved ones by not making any friends or girlfriends in the first place.

Calvin Harris. Why not just add ‘girls’ to the end of each line you write to give the impression that go can rhyme songs properly, You dayglo fuck.

Klaxons Fans on a Budget. Recreate the effect of dayglo clobber from Topshop by taking a normal hoodie from Primark, they’re only a fiver, rip it apart, sew it back together with neon bootlaces at jizz all over it.

Idiots. Recreate the experience of a lapdancing club by watching soft porn while employing some one to keep your arms by your sides at all times and charging you 10 pounds for a warm can of carling from your own fridge.

Modern People. Why no add insult to injury by having an ostentatious poker or gun belt buckle despite the fact that you jeans are hanging below your arse.

Daily Mail Readers. Why not never leave the house so you don’t have to meet any single parents or people of different ethnic backgrounds.