Does my gun look big in this?

Feck! Christmas is yet again creeping up on us like a black cat that rifles our pockets and plies us with booze. On Saturday I began to think about Christmas shopping and attempted some leisurely browsing in the various emporia of Norwich, bad move! I was slightly hung over after consuming some of Labhaoise’s boyfriend’s brother’s festive homebrew, ‘Good King Wencesles looked Stout’. The narcotic effects of homebrew had been proven previously when said brewer and Cambridge canoe maker fell asleep half way through a bottle of my ‘Lorcale’. He had repaid the favour in full as I dozed off after only a few mouthfuls of his Christmas concoction, half way through The Mystery of the Batwoman DVD. Needless to say I did not discover what the mystery of the Batwoman was, as I similarly do not usually discover the mysteries of nonbatwomen.

Anyway, the Cornish pasty eating shopping masses of Norwich can sense weakness and as nature abhors a vacuum any slightly fragile shoppers can easily get crushed. Especially in the Works, a place that is easy to wander into yet impossible to escape, one is trapped by their 'art' books section pondering whether to get a certain book in hardback that you already have in paperback, you never know when you might need a spare copy. Ducking into an arcade, I found solace in a toy shop, where, among the action figures and similar plastic objects of desire, I observed a large portly gentleman in a Punisher T-shirt, Black trench coat, and 'Frankenboots' (beloved of Goths). He was deliberating with his troll-like missus which big plastic gun he should buy. As far as I could gather, he was judging the plastic guns by such criteria as size, realism and what noise it made. I think one can a take a comic-inspired look slightly too far. God knows what vigilante-inspired sexual shenanigans this couple get up to behind closed doors? I shuddered to think but my bad aul brain pan was way ahead of me and I already had before I tried not to--suffice to say it wasn't pretty.