Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Carmen Electra's HyperShite!!

One of my missions at the bar is to have stuff playing on the TV that will make people drop their drinks in horror as they ask—‘What the fuck is that?’, it is my slight revenge for being forced to watch endless hours of sports, the bane of my life. Things I have forced patrons to watch include Sliders, Quantum Leap and Village of the Giants.

On Wednesdays, I always have the TV switched to MTV Dance at 12pm to observe the incredible (or is it intolerable, I don’t quite know which) ‘Carmen Electra’s Hypermix’. To those who have not experienced this hellish tableau, it consists of an hour of bad music played on a beach where scantily clad women ‘bump n’ grind’ with scantily brained men.

This could be the mating dance and subsequent dying throes of an alien race (lots of Zoidbergs, perhaps). Perky creatures of sinew and smiles clad in DayGlo bikinis shake it like the proverbial Polaroid picture flanked by trunk-wearing lumbering beasts of bulk and brawn. All this is overseen by Carmen (who puts in about 3 minutes of ‘work’ per hour), and DJ Scribble, who is safe from the horrors in his little bamboo paddock. In her dulcet tones, over trash techno Carmen hollers: “Welcome to the Florida Keys. Where it’s all about DANCIN’ and HOOKIN’ Up !!!”. The girls, at least, can dance, the blokes at these things all look like Frankenstein-created monsters, not noted for their dancing skills.

After the hypermix has done its turn, MTV Dance unleashes a daylong parade of stylish perversity. As a self-appointed monitor of the bizarre, I’m trying to figure out what’s up with this ‘perverse turn’ in modern dance videos. I can sense it’s probably something to do with a line of thinking that one can be as sexist as Benny Hill, as long as it’s done “ironically”.
I don’t know.
I lost my moral compass some time ago and then a taxi ran over it. As I have discussed previously, there is nothing like the surreptitious thrill of listening to the likes of Peaches on one’s Walkman while wandering around polite society, except perhaps foisting some of the following on the general public.

Michael Gray: I can’t wait for the weekend to begin
Benny Benassi: Satisfaction.
Eric Prycz: Call on Me
Armand Van Helden: My My My
Kelis: Milkshake
Khia: My Neck, My Back (Lick it)
Basement Jaxx: Plug It In.

Wouldn't you know, someone more qualified than I has already come up with a more comprehensive list of sleazy vids!.

I’m sure these videos are also meant to be shocking. Oh for the days when I could be shocked. Would that I had 'eye scrubbers' to erase the things I've seen...then I could go and watch them again.


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trollop23 said...

Sports fans would definitely scratch their heads at any episode of the ill-fated Max Headroom series. Or what about The Mighty Boosh?
You forgot to mention the George Hamilton-esque orange hue that a large number of the hussies sport on Carmen's show. Perhaps it's to camouflage the toxicity of their livers...
I, too long for the days when a racy tune or music video would make me blush. Do what I do - blame Madonna.