Monday, December 05, 2005

‘Slow Bus to Thetford’ Apocalypse.

The first time I flew, I looked around the plane and imagined what freaks would inherit the earth if some cataclysm occurred while we were in the air and the only humans left to repopulate the planet were in my flight. Mind you, I was on Ryanair at the time, which doesn’t hold out much hope for humanity. I know this sounds a bit like Lost (still haven’t managed to see any of it) but believe me I have been mentally preparing for apocalypse since 1989*. In this year, I bought Prince’s Batman soundtrack, a big hard-backed book of mysteries and a pop-up book of evolution. The mysteries book had some stuff about Nostradamus predicting the end of the world in 1997, so I mentally connect Prince and the end of the world. I mentioned this on the school bus and some Presbyterian started giving out to me because only 'the Jesus' knows the future!

I recently went to Cambridge and had to take a bus from Norwich to Thetford. (It was worth it, got to see my sister and got to Fopp to get this and this and Galloway and Porter where I go this). Lets just say that if this mobile plague-tin of freaks inherited the Earth, the human race's days would be numbered. You know when you’re on a bus and you’ve got your seat and see someone in the queue and you think, ‘that person looks fucking insane I’d wager he/she/it will happen to sit beside me’, this was a slow bus to Thetford so everyone was the most insane person you’ve ever seen. The one who took the cake, though, was an old woman with three teeth and three strands of hair, I shit you not. Thankfully she didn’t sit beside me, but I did get her granddaughter (I think, it could have been her daughter or sister…this is Norfolk) who was literally a sphere. For an hour she eat a seemingly endless supply of sweets and crisps from magical ‘bottomless’ Harry Potter bag while I tried in vain to move my elbows far apart enough to read my fucking comics.

*What’s your favourite potential apocalypse? I always have to go for a massive cosmic cataclysm, the whole solar system wiped out in the blink of an eye before we know what’s hit us, none of this Barefoot-Gen style scooping up your radiated ass skin with non-existent hands crap that would happen after nuclear war. A zombie attack would be my second favourite apocalypse. Sure you might get eaten but you’d have a lot of fun before you do.

3 comments:

Karl said...

I once speculated on what would happen if Norfolk was completely flooded, and all that was left was the highest point in the county. For some reason, I decided this highest point would be the grad bar - at which point a shudder ran up my spine. Okay, so rising sea levels due to global warming - not exactly apocalyptic, but scary nonetheless: especially since this fantasy of Norfolk being wiped out was conjured at the time when Dave Bugg's pub quiz was still running. Day 53 in the Grad Bar: the table quiz begins again; the same questions are trotted out. 'Can we have some quiet here!'

John said...

A zombie apocalypse surely doesn't count, because we'd all just carry on as normal once we'd been turned into crazed flesh-eating undead maniancs.

My favourite apocalypse is the one in the Bible but with Satan winning.

Joe said...

No, Karl: the highest place in Norfolk these days in the "sculpture" on top of the new mall. I'd like to think that it would be warning to any extra-terrestrial visitors sculling across a post apocalyptic North Sea not to resurrect our species...