You Bladerunner? The Defective Deckard Voiceover Version Part I

Hello! :), I'm Rick Deckard, I live in the future, it rains, but I have a cool gun and I get to have the ride...kinda...I think she liked it and then I fought some guy who was a robot, kinda...yo*

Amid studio fears that even the 1982 voiceover would still be too complicated for some audiences, studio bosses came up with the conceit that if Deckard was a replicant there might be some previous less intelligent copies of him knocking around that could do the voiceover for a level more suited to the instant thrills of the post-Star Wars sci-fi generation.

For the first time ever Time Life and Times of Jimmny Homunculus is proud to present part one of this unheard voiceover, this is best enjoyed whilst watching Bladerunner: the final cut. I hope you enjoy it. You don’t need to start the dvd just yet, he has to introduce himself first:


"Hi I’m Rick Deckard I live in the future, I wear a coat and eat noodles and sometimes bang ladies up against walls, but they seem to like it, but ,whatever, she’s a robot lady right? (shit I shouldn’t be giving this sort of stuff away so soon, forget it, until later, I told the guys in the suits I’d be terrible at this…anyway)

So it doesn’t matter, phew at least I’m not a robot, that would suck wouldn’t it? Or maybe it’d be cool, like that gold one that can’t use its elbows or the wee one with the midget inside it…anyway I’m here to explain some of the things that happened to me recently.

P.S. I’ll also make a few funnies along the way to lighten the mood, because you need a few laughs in movies so you don’t have to think too hard.

Don’t worry there will be violence, breasts and flying car things, so don’t get bored with all the talking stuff that makes your head hurt.

Quick it’s starting! There’s some sort of tree thing

Some boring writing about stuff, you can skip it doesn’t matter….

I’m Rick Deckard it's Los Angeles, November 2019, there’s a good chance or rain today with high probability of me getting my ass kicked…

Wow! those firey things look cool, there’s probably some wanky music happening right now but I’ll talk over it anyway, I’m not in the film yet but I’ll tell you want's going on in the meantime.

There’s a big prymid and an eye, with some fire inside it….that must hurt.

He’s a robot! There’s some guy asking boring questions with a bellows thing, he’s a crap Bladerunner,
Heh tortoise, even I know what a tortoise is, kinda.

He’s gonna get shot!


Bang!

he got shot! that crazy robot even shot his coffee

Hahe he got shot, crappy bladerunner I’m better.

Ah shhh! Here I am,

I’m Rick Dekard here I am wearing a coat, and reading the paper, I live in the future, can’t remember what’s in the paper something about the Harlam Heroes winning Death Race 2000 or something.

It’s raining

I’m going to get some food at this restaurant that sells food

I’m asking for 4 no two two four, I’m holding up my fingers
Some guy is poking me in the back, he’s in Battlestar Galactica now, it’s cool…

Don’t know what he’s saying some sort gibberish, it doesn’t matter, he probably forgot his lines, ah "Bryant" I know him he is a nice fat man and he gives me whiskey, he lives in a wee house inside a bigger house, we’re going there now in the flying car!!

It’s the flying car, maybe it’s got laser guns on it, that would cool,

no, it doesn't have laser guns on it ...:(

That Gaff fella let me take my noodles in the car, but he won’t let me press any of the buttons…drats

He’s got a funny hat, on, he’s funny.

Here's Bryant, hi Bryant! Ah he can’t hear me…

The The Defective Deckard Voiceover Version will continue soon....

He needs me because I’m a cool bladerunner

*Obviously I love Bladerunner, it’s the best way you can spend 117-118mins (depending on the cut you watching) apart from some drug-fuelled foursome with an asian lady, a black lady and a loevely transsexual, I imagine, but Bladerunner will have to do ‘until the mess get’s here’ in the parlance of No Country for Old Men.

Update:

Check it out, performed this live at Soapbox, Oct 7, 2008

Robert Neville days....

Enhance 224 to 176



Warning: There maybe spoilers if you haven't seen I Am Legend, or read I Am Legend, or seen Blade Runner or read Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep or read books or seen films, or basically were wandering around with cotton buds tapped to your eyes dribbling and not watching what films were at the cinemas and what books were in the book shops.



If I was to invent something to drive me crazy it would be Bladerunner coming out on dvd and I Am Legend being in cinemas at the same time there is not closer fictions for loneliness than this.

It’s a common theme of my life, and my work.

They’ve never a made a close adaptation of I am Legend, jesus, it’s an amazing book. I made jokes in my stand up about how Will Smith in the movie doesn’t want to ride the vampires, like he's been on his own for three years, we see no scenes of him wanking and even when he has a 19-year-old vampire strapped down and she's sedated and breathing heavily no action, Charlton Heston would have tapped that, in the parlance of our times....he's fucked monkeys I'd seen it in a documentary....

It’s all in the book at night, when Neville looks through his peep hole and the female vampires are taunting him. Can you imagine, sexy taunting vampire ladies, when you haven't have the ride for three years, I can, and he's the last person on earth, and it doesn't matter what he does...a novel about the last man on earth that can fuck and kill anyone he wants from 1954? I don't think they'd have Will Smith running around riding slow goth ladies and staking anyone in the heart who says different...

meanwhile his ex-best-friend Bud Cortman is banging on the door shouting ‘come out Neville’ while Neville stays inside and drinks whiskey and smokes. Thats the bit that kills me in the book, it's not the crazy vampires, it's that they can talk you wouldn't mind killing faceless monsters for three years but if they were banging planks against your door every night shouting in a crazy zombie voice for you to come out evry night? When would you crack? like if you'd been alone for three years and someone goes 'come out?!' what to the pub? beyond the blood sucking bit, you'd want to, there's someone out there that wants to talk to you least...

It’s fucking amazing,

A couple of days ago I had awful time, what I refer to Robert Neville Days, before Christmas for about a month and a half I had been working every day, at kitchen work and teaching, knowing that my dad was very ill. Robert Neville Days for me, and since then, mean that you want to stay in your room and not deal with anything in the outside world (be it outside you door, or Internet connection) because they are vampires and you are waiting for morning so you can wander around and kill them all, in the parlance of Neville, the bastards.

You feel like explaining to anyone who can be at all interested to ask that science fiction isn't some wanky laugh, orm silver space ship, it's that the loneliness of somthing like I Am Legend (the book, not the film with the wanky christian/village shite tagged on) or Bladerunner is the ultimate in loneliness, and loneliness and alienation and awfulness are as much science fiction to most that read it as zap guns and green ladies are as those who don't.

These fictions to speak to people like me (and maybe you), you can have your bibles or P.S. I Love Yous or whatever stories get you throught the night it doesn't matter these are amazing stories for the lonely, the melodrama for the teenage boy.

To be the last man on earth?
To be hunting and killing what you might be and what you might fall in love it...?

beat that Jesus...

you fecker
that'll teach you not to let me wank....

On the Edge of Blade Runner...pity it's not in the dvd set