Thursday, January 31, 2008

You Bladerunner? The Defective Deckard Voiceover Version Part I

Hello! :), I'm Rick Deckard, I live in the future, it rains, but I have a cool gun and I get to have the ride...kinda...I think she liked it and then I fought some guy who was a robot, kinda...yo*

Amid studio fears that even the 1982 voiceover would still be too complicated for some audiences, studio bosses came up with the conceit that if Deckard was a replicant there might be some previous less intelligent copies of him knocking around that could do the voiceover for a level more suited to the instant thrills of the post-Star Wars sci-fi generation.

For the first time ever Time Life and Times of Jimmny Homunculus is proud to present part one of this unheard voiceover, this is best enjoyed whilst watching Bladerunner: the final cut. I hope you enjoy it. You don’t need to start the dvd just yet, he has to introduce himself first:

"Hi I’m Rick Deckard I live in the future, I wear a coat and eat noodles and sometimes bang ladies up against walls, but they seem to like it, but ,whatever, she’s a robot lady right? (shit I shouldn’t be giving this sort of stuff away so soon, forget it, until later, I told the guys in the suits I’d be terrible at this…anyway)

So it doesn’t matter, phew at least I’m not a robot, that would suck wouldn’t it? Or maybe it’d be cool, like that gold one that can’t use its elbows or the wee one with the midget inside it…anyway I’m here to explain some of the things that happened to me recently.

P.S. I’ll also make a few funnies along the way to lighten the mood, because you need a few laughs in movies so you don’t have to think too hard.

Don’t worry there will be violence, breasts and flying car things, so don’t get bored with all the talking stuff that makes your head hurt.

Quick it’s starting! There’s some sort of tree thing

Some boring writing about stuff, you can skip it doesn’t matter….

I’m Rick Deckard it's Los Angeles, November 2019, there’s a good chance or rain today with high probability of me getting my ass kicked…

Wow! those firey things look cool, there’s probably some wanky music happening right now but I’ll talk over it anyway, I’m not in the film yet but I’ll tell you want's going on in the meantime.

There’s a big prymid and an eye, with some fire inside it….that must hurt.

He’s a robot! There’s some guy asking boring questions with a bellows thing, he’s a crap Bladerunner,
Heh tortoise, even I know what a tortoise is, kinda.

He’s gonna get shot!


he got shot! that crazy robot even shot his coffee

Hahe he got shot, crappy bladerunner I’m better.

Ah shhh! Here I am,

I’m Rick Dekard here I am wearing a coat, and reading the paper, I live in the future, can’t remember what’s in the paper something about the Harlam Heroes winning Death Race 2000 or something.

It’s raining

I’m going to get some food at this restaurant that sells food

I’m asking for 4 no two two four, I’m holding up my fingers
Some guy is poking me in the back, he’s in Battlestar Galactica now, it’s cool…

Don’t know what he’s saying some sort gibberish, it doesn’t matter, he probably forgot his lines, ah "Bryant" I know him he is a nice fat man and he gives me whiskey, he lives in a wee house inside a bigger house, we’re going there now in the flying car!!

It’s the flying car, maybe it’s got laser guns on it, that would cool,

no, it doesn't have laser guns on it ...:(

That Gaff fella let me take my noodles in the car, but he won’t let me press any of the buttons…drats

He’s got a funny hat, on, he’s funny.

Here's Bryant, hi Bryant! Ah he can’t hear me…

The The Defective Deckard Voiceover Version will continue soon....

He needs me because I’m a cool bladerunner

*Obviously I love Bladerunner, it’s the best way you can spend 117-118mins (depending on the cut you watching) apart from some drug-fuelled foursome with an asian lady, a black lady and a loevely transsexual, I imagine, but Bladerunner will have to do ‘until the mess get’s here’ in the parlance of No Country for Old Men.


Check it out, performed this live at Soapbox, Oct 7, 2008

1 comment:

Joe said...

Tremendous. Can you do the Blade Runner voice over as part of your stand-up routine (or did you already do that last night)?