Monday, January 31, 2005

Feck Valentine's Day...Part 1

Have you noticed a surplus of sickeningly pink plastic objects sprouting up around the place like the intestines of an as yet unborn monstrous (but cute) alien race? Can you hear a cloying gurgling noise that sounds like "I wuv ewe" in the distance? It's nearing that time of the year again that pisses off anyone with half a brain, St. Valentine's Day. As a happily single guy wandering around and minding my own business it is my duty, and of course pleasure, to launch a “Feck Valentine’s Day” campaign.

So for all you single people out there (and those in coupledom who are sick of all this commercial exploitation of your predicament), I’ll be posting some supportive rants to help us through this shitty time. To kick off the campaign, I have contacted Hallmark and other card companies with the following "Alternative Names for Valentine's", but they seem reluctant to take my changes ‘on board’ as the marketing fellas say:

· Plastic Shite Day
· Emotional Blackmail Day
· Sap-Fest
· Breeder Bonanza
· Fucker Festival
· Restaurant Exclusion day
· Let’s Just Be Friends Day
· Rejection Day
· Err, Emm I sent that Card as a Joke Day.
· Getting hit repeatedly with a Plank Day
· Crying alone in your own filth Day

So much cynicism in one so young!...'twas not always thus, send SAE for full story of heartbreak...if you could be arsed.


badbrute said...

Hey dude, that's like a really negative attitude to Valentine's day. Hey yeah we all know that it's really commercialised and stuff, but like that's SO not the point. Come on, what's so wrong with a day about LOVE and being close to your other half? I mean, come on, how much more cynical could you be, man? I guess the reason you are single is that you've got this like crazy negativity vibe going about things involving emotional intimacy and stuff, yeah? At the end of the day, seriously dude, it's not the cards, flowers, chocolates and cuddly toys that count - it's having another precious body to cuddle up to and gag while you butt-fuck them with your 15" spiked Anal Invader. Peace out. XXXX

Lorcy said...

Aha I see the baaaadbrute is living up to his name yet again.

Fishpimp said...

>I wuv ewes?

You've been hanging that Sheep-shagger Corneilious too long.

RP said...

Completely agree. If it makes you feel any better, my wife and I ignore this retarded holiday like we ignore something like Kwanzaa (not to impune Kwanzaa, mind you). We just refuse to partake in this unrepentant exercise in capitalism. But I guess we can let the chavs have there fun. After all, that's probably the only time the chavettes get anything resembling romance in their lives.