Tuesday, January 11, 2005

My ‘vice equilibrium’ is all out of whack…

Howdy all, I’m back in the blog saddle again after a spell in rural Ireland (dial-up land, where being online is announced by a demonic screee eeee eeeep noise, a bit like the prehistoric
Acorn Electron
or Sinclair tapes.

I am also recovering from the insane stamina required to survive the alcoholic content of an Irish Christmas. It’s not just enough to be drinking, oh no, one must be drinking a beer, a wine and a brandy and/or a vodka and/or a whiskey all at once, while singing...forever...well until about 6am, although, as evidenced by the photo below*, myself and the Badbrute did manage to stay up until about 8-9am on New Year’s Eve/Day—even the Christmas aftershave is in danger at that point.

Anyway, after all that liquid excess, (or perhaps it was turning 29?) a very disturbing thought entered my head...why don’t I just quit drinking? For an Irish person, this is like saying...why don’t I just cut off my arm for a laugh, although I’m sure some Irish people have cut off their own arm for a laugh after lots of booze. The problem with giving up booze (apart from the general social outcastery of it all) is that it would upset the delicate balance of my ‘vice equilibrium’—a kind of reverse ‘healthy food pyramid’. I was a man of four simple vices (Amber Leaf roll-ups, alcohol, caffeine and sleaze). Having given up the little roll-up fellas and contemplating giving up booze, that would leave a ‘vice graph’ entirely made up of just caffeine and sleaze. I don’t think Norwich would be able to cater for my bizarre appetites. I have complained to anyone who’ll listen previously about the lacklustre state of Norwich’s few-and-far-between sleaze emporiums. I once went into one of St. Benedict Street’s so-called ‘adult shops’ and innocently asked where their DVD section was (for Film Studies research purposes of course)...they didn’t have one,I was told, If I wanted to buy dodgy DVDs, I would have to go to Great Yarmouth!! Great Yarmouth!! What is this?, the 1970s? am I going to be sent out back to watch a 8mm loop of Bernie Winters introducing topless ladies at Raymond’s Revue Bar?** As any well-meaning citizen would, I did write a letter to my local Porn Ombudsman (as I have done on numerous occasions). She has not written back as of yet, and I’m beginning to think she may not even exist. Look after your bad habits folks, that’s what they're there for...to prevent worse ones. I will keep you posted on my attempts at 'healthy living', in body perhaps, if not in mind...

* As you may have noticed, a family member in his infinite wisdom has given me a digital camera for Christmas. Expect many odd images, although I will stop short of a digital recreation of 'Mick Hucknall's Pink Pancakes'.
**As bizarre as it may seem I have actaully seen pictures of this, although I am unaware whether or not Snorbitz was in attendance.

No comments: