Friday, May 27, 2005

The Cruiser Kabuki starts to crack....

In my role as geek PhD I do have watch some pretty ropey films...(Supergirl, Batman and Robin, The Phantom) but I feel for two of my colleagues 'HH' and 'RN' who have to watch Tom Cruise films over and over. I mean, my favorite Cruise opus is Minority Report, and that's only because I get to see Peter Stormare take out his eye balls.

Anyway, 'RH' has alerted me to this link where it seems being a grinning mook that we all have to like...seemingly by law is taking its toll. I thought I'd have to wait longer for the cracks to show in his gurning emotional kabuki of a face...I imagined Hollywood Babylon-style revelations 20 years hence of dead rent boy/prostitute mishaps that were made to go away and blamed on poor Robert Downey Jr. or something.

God knows what him and that Katie Holmes one get up to, I've taken the liberty of imagining a scene between them, with apologies to Little Britain's stage hypnotist Kenny Craig:

A Tale of Tom and Katie


EXT. DAY. Hollywood. Tom Cruise, a 40-something actor, (who is beloved by everyone and is the best actor ever) sits with Katie Homles, (not a bad actor, but suffers from being the fantasy gurl-next-door of 40-something actor types*) on a poolside chaise long or something....

Tom (steely blue eyes peering into the soul): We should really be together forever...or at least until after summer, I mean I'm in War of the Worlds you're in Batman Begins, it makes perfect sense(ehem...financially)...I mean, sorry what I meant to say was I wuv ewe.
Katie: emmm
Tom: was like I said to Rebecca De Morney on the set of Risky Business...
Katie: Rebecca De who? Risky what?....
Tom: emmm
Katie: ummm
Tom: look in to my eyes, not around the eyes, look into my eyes...and the teeth, don't forget the teeth, the smiley smiley teeth
[clicks his wee paw]*click*
you're under..."I'm not a mid-life crisis fading actor, cultist and possible steely-eyed killer, I'm an all-American cheeky boy next door and savior of the whole world...on numerous occasions...and I wuv ewe..."
*click* and you're back in the room...
Katie: emmmmm

*jeez and older, just remembered old 'parchment straining to cover clockwork powered features' Michael Douglas in Wonder Boys.


RP said...

No kidding. I've been trying to figure this one out for days.

I tried to do one of those "trackback" thingies between this post and the one I just wrote, but it didn't work. So:

RP said...

Oh, and by the way... sorry we didn't make it to your 'appening last night. Due to reasons that I can explain later (or you can ascertain from Project: Expatriated), we weren't feeling very sociable. Were having one of those "what the hell are we going to do with our lives?" moments (and it still hasn't really passed, actually).