Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Superman Returns....to the drawing board hopefully.



Superman Returns is good and the 147 minute running time does fly by (heh!) quite painlessly, but watching it on DVD and taking notes like the dweeb I am has produced more niggling questions that some of you out in the geek-o-sphere might be able to help me with. It seems that no matter how high profile an action movie is there is still a tendency to let logic out the door, and anyone who questions it gets told 'look it's a decent Superman movie whadda want!', well maybe one that made more sense.

I call this the Batman-Skateboot Conundrum, I can suspend my disbelief that character like Batman exists within his fictional universe but when he just happens to have ice skates in his boots when he fights Mr. Freeze in Batman and Robin (1997) when he has just found out about him in the car on the way over it really annoys me. So either he has the skates in his boots all the time on the off-chance of meeting an ice based villian or he has multible boots in the boot of the Batmobile! anyway, that's an argument for another day, onto Supes....

The timeframe of Kypton exploding and the events of the movie. We can probably expect, or be forced to accept, that the technology of Kypton is suffciently advanced and to do things we can't comprehend. But there is supposedly a several thousand year gap between the explosion and little Kal-El getting to earth. The time frame makes sense in terms of making Kypton far enough away from earth not to be detected by humnaity, but this distance makes the likelihood of a craft that can stay on course and keep the infant Kal-El in suspended animation for that long mindboggling. Surely there would be some psychological/physical ramifications from spending 'several thousand' years in a little capsule.
Oh, and then Superman can make the round trip in Five years! Does he not need some sort of rest or sustenance? what kind of packed lunch to you take into space?

Kyptonite We know it's a just a plot device to make Superman vulnerable and to help along as HH would say the PFF quoitient of the movie, which is fecking high enough already, but how exactly does it affect Superman?

It seems to only affect him when he touches it, and then he's fine if he stays a little bit further away from it, it's kinda like characters closing that big metal door to keep the scary ice away in The Day After Tomorrow. When there are traces of it on the structure Luthor is on, Superman is immediately powerless and all those bad men (they were dark clothes just so you know) start beating the shite out of him (so Christians can get their surreptitious S&M rocks off?). So getting far enough away from it allows Supes to fly again and get power from the Sun (surely making him Ra more than the Jesus) fine, then he heads back toward the structure with no ill effects and lifts the whole fucking thing out of the water, close ups of his hands show there are far more prominent peices of Kyptonite all around him yet he can fly the whole thing into space when previously he couldn't even fight off Kumar (an Indian missle expert, you gotta love Hollywood) and a guy with a clown on the back of his head?

Luthor's Plan Using the crystals, Luthor plans to implant them in the sea and grow a new continent. The fact that this new continent will be entirely made up of icy crystals seems not to bother him, he still thinks it will be desirable, even though he has comepletetly obliterated most of America, whose gonna buy his shitty ice houses? What cartographer made all those maps for him and was he/she not a bit suspicious? What 'pleasures' did he show poor old Noel Neill?
His henchmen. There is a vague explanation that he met all his henchmen in prison, but surely there should be some chemistry between these goons? for a director as smart as Singer it's a surprisingly dumb movie dialogue wise, especially when you have the great Parker Posey on board, do these hench men ever have conversations? Do they never question what's going on? Why do they hate Superman? Did he put all of them away? Do all criminals have an a priori hatred of Superman no matter what their crime or how they got caught? What is the 'clown gang' that's mentioned briefly as a news story, sounds a bit Batman Forever if you ask me. What is it about DC Comics and clown henchmen, it works when they are the Joker's henchmen but why does nearly every Batman villian The Penguin, Riddler, Two Face, Mr Freeze have clown henchmen as well? fucking clown henchmen, they really grind my gears.

Other minigripes Doesn't Superman piss you off when he goes on about smoking? like when he keeps blowing out Lois's fag (incidentally doesn't her tiny wee head and toothpick neck make the cigarette look like a length of pipe). What does he care about smoking, he could smoke 1,000,000 fags and be ok. Plus the cabbie's cigar sets off the gas explosion and the henchman who tries to grab Luthor's cigar and gets immediately chrushed. Speaking of him being a dick, it's not really fair on the dog when Clark Kent throws the base ball into the horizon....

I'm sure there's loads more, but I'll leave that to other Superman Returns nitpickers: Cinematical, Peter David, astronomy nitpicks. Oh wow, Ghost Rider's out soon, I'm sure that'll make loads of sense....



3 comments:

trollop23 said...

That whole movie made me grumpy. I couldn't even rent it after I saw it in the theatres because there were so many holes and ridiculous elements to the plot that I couldn't bear to watch it a second time.
I suggest you rent the animated Ultimate Avengers 1 and 2. They have strong stories, good characters and the extras on the DVD are interesting and informative. It'll help wash the bad taste of kryptonite out of your brain!

Lorcy said...

indeed, bought an ebay copy of Ultimate Avengers and was impressed but haven't had time to watch it all, I think the best Superman stories on screen have been the Justice League Unlimited ones, A Better World etc. Anything were Superman turns bad or gets killed or something is always more interesting than him sneaking into kids' bedrooms and moping around the place for ages!

trollop23 said...

I've got to say, I never really got into Superman, although I really dig the Bizzaro concept. Do you get that awful show Smallville in your town? It's so bad yet addictive!
My youngest is a big fan of the Justice League cartoons so I've developed a healthy respect for DC but my heart will always belong to Marvel. I love, love, love, the Hulk! I also really enjoy the new She Hulk stories. There's just something about a hot green chick with a law degree that makes me happy....
I love anything Moore has done, too - his Swamp Things rocked!
You also dig on Underground comix, I see. They're so great!