Monday, October 17, 2005

A big bit of tofu shaped like a human head?....

There’s a thin line between having an interesting life and just fucking up a lot and making the best of it.

The advantages of kitchen portering are:

1. Working with great people in horrible situations, it's like being an army or something, you will kill for these people. I've wanted to walk out so many times but I couldn't do it to the next poor bastard that would have to do my work in the immediate interim. I have previously posted on the greatness of work humour. This week involved doing impressions rampant rabbit vibrators like in a kind of salute by wobbling one's head and flicking one's hand around as if to simulate the clitoral simular part. I did mention that you could swallow loads of marbles to simulate the beads, but it fell on deaf years my suggestion in the kitchen to the question 'what vegetarian special should we have?'
and me saying...

"Why not a big bit of tofu shaped liked a human head?!?"

2. Extra money for obscure and erotic items and bizarre endeavors.

3. A finely tuned and deep-seated hatred of the rich, those who do PhDs or MAs because they don’t really know what else to do and their parents are gullible enough to pay for it....three years and counting at the grad bar...three years and counting on hearing exactly the same arguments and creative writing novel pitches: (year 1) ahh it's about Gauguin from the point of view of his mistress (year 2) it's about Toulouse-Lautrec from the point of view of his mistress (year 3) It's about Picasso from the point of view of his mistress...

4. Learning more about lesser-known Norwich. Like such top shops as Black Lace, a fine fetish shop around the corner from the resturant where I work. They had a flyer in there for Zoo '4 piece vocal harmony group', these guys need to play at my 3oth birthday, or funeral, whichever comes first. Yeah the manga enter page looks vaguely impressive, but click on 'enter' and see what these mooks really look like.

5. Swearing: the stress of kitchen life means that I'm constantly going ballistic with Irish and/or made up swear words as more and more dirty dishes arrive in the 'hoist of doom' …ahh for bollix’s sake…cunt nuts! Cocking fucking hell!! shitbox mcgoolgle fuck-knocker, ahh you fucking prick bastards...etc etc.


Caddy Powers Jr said...

Don't worry Jimmny, it'll all be worth it. One day when you're a respected member of your chosen field, all these escapades will make your biography actually interesting.

In fact just from reading you blog, I have a desire to write this work myself. I have a genius idea ... it'll all be from the perspective of your mistress

Lorcy said...

"day seven.....Jimmny ranted about She-hulk yet again and looked at porn until he passed out...then he woke up and pretended to write, then he watched some shite 1980s movies, then he tugged his benson until nothing came out but gas...then he ate some chips and blubbed a bit.." it's pretty much like that every day.

Caddy Powers Jr said...

Ah yes but from the mistresses perspective all this is interesting. For example does she view your affection for the She-Hulk or your own benson as threats to her own self worth? Would you rather take the She-Hulk or your own benson to dinner or on a cruise over her?

Everything from the perspective of a mistress is better!