Thursday, July 12, 2007

not the bees! NOT THE BEES! my eyes! MY EYES!

I renaged, on two counts, one on not blogging, and two, on seeing The Wicker Man , what can Isay, I was weak, The Wicker Man is not only one of my favorite films but one of the best films of all time, so I was incurably curious about the remake. I knew that there was no way U.S. producers would allow the main character in a movie to be a virgin but making the community a matriarchy means that if you want an action hero running around and clocking people in the gob and everyone in charge is a woman then you are going to have Nicholas 'GhostRider/God I wish I remembered Leaving Las Vegas and Wild at Heart more clearly but you've obscured them with many many many shit movies that make even Vampire's Kiss look good' Cage...(that's his official name too) going around punching women in the face. He even drop kicks lovely Leelee Sobieski in the stomach, punches a women to steal her bear costume and "bike jacks" a lovely school mistress and makes his slow getaway over uneven ground in a comedic moment worthy of Father Ted.

One of the lunkheaded elements is that the bee-allergic Cage, just happens to get trapped on an island whose main industry is.....bee husbandry, in a feat of non acting Cage's character is put in a bee helmet and some CGI bees attack him and one can almost imagine Hollywood's top woman-hater Neil LeBute going , 'right there's bees attacking you, express this with 'acting' and Cage just shouts 'arggh the bees, not the bees', and he goes 'they're attacking your eyes' and Cage, quick as a whip goes, 'my eyes! not my eyes!'

Anyway, seeing the Wicker Man was like seeing your best friend pummelled in the face with a brick.

1 comment:

trollop23 said...

Cage certainly anally invaded a brilliant original - and he didn't use any lube!
I couldn't believe how bad that movie was. My teen and I started watching it but by the time we were 30 minutes in, we put the dvd on fast forward so we wouldn't have to hear him talk.
The ending was pathetic, the acting substandard, and the plot so convoluted and unlike the original that it really was like a parody of the original Wicker Man.
Sing cuckoo...