"I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out"* Bill Hicks

Hello all back from Edinburgh safe and sound. Saw some great acts in Edinburgh but I firstly have to get rid of some bile that's stuck in my comedy hole....so if you'll excuse the following bitterness and (look above for the more positive stuff to come tomorrow).

Some people proudly say they are comedians, I'm like, well I've seen you stand behind the microphone and make some sort of gurgling noise and some people were bemused, but it's not the same as being a comedian.

You get this sort of shit over and over again....

MC: Whooo! give it up for emmm eerrr, don't know his/her name but I'm, emmm, err sure they're great....

this side of the room....

..team a...clap,

that side of the room

team b clap...clap,

[ clap, clap, clap, you fuckers even you don't like it just play along...clap clap clap until your hands hurt....every hour clap clap again....]

MC.... give a big warm welcome to:

[enter another bumbling 'comedian' looking very satisfied by the currently unearned clapping, in lieu of material we all get asked questions until will look like we are about to kill him and then a little half poo nugget of a joke might come your way if you put up with the interrogation, also it's good idea for the comedian to intersperse his own laughter continually, like a bad sitcom it will show the audience where to laugh because they have audacity not to laugh in the 'right' places, or ever]

......where are you from?, where are you from?, where are you from?,where are you from?,where are you from?,where are you from?,where are you from?,where are you from?

WHERE are YOU frooom?

where

are

you

from?

any Scottish people in oooo...

any English people in ahhh

[maybe there might be more English people than Scottish people in and some sort of joke can be made at this point...]

anyone in from a working class area we can perhaps all laugh at ....

[but in an ironic way that so, so ironic in fact its actually just laughing at poorer people]

it's great to be here in what looks like.....Fritzl's house.....ooooo shocking?....oooo....something about Michael Jackson.....ooooo....edgy.....zzzzz

[no, as we've heard it 18 times already]

as you can see...a popular culture character that I think that you'll think I look like...[probably from Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings] has either let himself go or tarted himself up....or something

[probably a few more variations on 'I look like/think I look like but the popular culture reference is supposed enough to get laffs in lieu of actual resemblence, it sometimes doesn't need the popular culture cf 'I look like supply teacher' opening gambit of a well-known comedian]

'hello, it's great to be here in Edinburgh, isn't rainy?

isn't it?

isn't it?isn't it?isn't it?isn't it?isn't it?isn't it?

isn't it?

[if someone mumbles 'yes' at this point, you may get treated to something about a 'chav' stealing an umbrella or something, I don't know, I'm already dying inside]

ooooo I've eaten a fried Mars Bar and am going to die of a heart attack tomorrow....I'm only 47....I'll be the oldest person in Scotland....

[or something along those lines, vis-a-vis the Scottish moratality rate and love of deep fried foods]

have you read the paper today?

have you?

have you?have you?have you?have you?have you?have you?

[you may think a well placed 'no' might work but the bumbling oaf is way ahead of you]

well I've got a copy of today's paper I do! and there was a funny thing in it.....

do you want to see the funny thing?

do you?

do you?do you?do you?do you?do you?do you?

do you want to see funny thing?

etc.

[The comedian will then show you the "funny thing"....it is normally a pun or a photoshoped picture of a public figure as some sort of object or animal, this genre of shite can perhaps be best exemplified by Ricky Gervais showing a picture of himself in the Sun and reading out the sub-heading ipodge.....so the comedian has just pointed and repeated a pun that a Sun subeditor made up and thought was funny....although there doesn't seem to be proof that the Sun subeditor came up with 'ipodge' perhaps it was all the creative invention of Gervais, but it hasn't stopped lots of comedians holding up whatever photoshoped shite that's on the front page in lieu of news to be held up in lieu of humour]

Then into the 'killer' material:

something like..... family background, race (it's alright to slag that race because I'm an eighth that/once met someone from that race), meeting a gay person (imagine that!), what their mothers/fathers/uncles/family members/conviently stupid mate/girlfriend says that was funny, chavs, gingers, australians (whatever group/race/nationality it's alright to appear to take the piss out of this week), stuff they saw in a television show/ad/film, paedos, buttplugs, Fritzl, Michael Jackson, implication that the comedian himself was abused.....only joking ha ha, wasn't that funny had you going, Jimmy Carr intonation, Ricky Gervais intonation, mild religious baiting, vague athestism, treating a mild answer back from the audience as a serious heckle and proceed with the 'your mum' stuff to cover up lack of originality and storm off....the end. forever and ever until Sept......

Anyway, the nadir this year was seeing a drunk comedian [in a paid venue late show] repeating jokes within the same set. Unintentionally funny of course, it does get a laugh in that the audience normally sighs or gasps at the repeated joke, and the comedian reads the gasp as shock and offence at his 'edgy' material about some shite and then audience has to shout: 'you said that already!' and in one instance, the comedian panics and goes straight into his other 'killer' line...the audience response 'and that too! fuck sake'....

Apparently there is still nothing funnier that, wait for it, people of the same sex who have sex or are in a relationship, any encounter with such people real or imagined will be the basis of 3-4, maybe more (god help us) minutes of comedy 'gold' (in the comedian's head) in reality it will be tedious and homophobic, but you know, people will laugh so that's ok...just a joke innit....

*See, these are called "quotation marks", you use them when you are saying something someone else already said, apparently there are still comedians out there that do not think they apply when doing a 'homage' of Bill Hicks, and say something like 'I'm going to hell...and you're all coming with me', or 'I am available for children's parties by the way'....I'm always toying with just shouting out 'Hicks!!' when I hear it, but face to face I'm very nice and supportive, it's only here in the dead of night that the bitterness comes out, gah!