Saturday, May 06, 2006

Aural Pleasures: Bad, is there such a thing as aural voyerism?

God bless these headphones. They're like an aural version of Videodrome (check out this wikipedia link, it has the great bit of trivia "Barry Convex", is a reference to a convex lens" who'd a thunk it)...anyway.

So I’m listening to Elvis’s ' one night of sin' on my iTunes Party Shuffle there’s a wee glitch on the wireless cans and, I shit you not, I start to pick up whatever porn satellite station somebody next door is watching. This is great because I get to listen to English porn without having to watch it! I thought for a moment this was some sort of aural flashback/hallucination to something I had watched in the past or something that was ‘ahem’ accidentally put on my computer by bad porno pixies but (for once!) was not the case.

This dude or lady (who am I kidding, it's a guy) keeps flicking....the channels. It took a while to wait for a station ident and then this voice like Jayne Middlemiss pipes up

‘an wee can guuarnatee a ‘hole night o’ red hot action that ken reely hit ‘de spot'

Is this the spot of my brain that’s having a fucking headache listening to this gutteral whine? Because it's that the one this Red Hot station is hitting: the following is my 24-style real-time attempt to keep up. As this is UK muck it's all girl on girl so there actually is dialogue, not just some guy in tube socks and a pony tail going 'oh gawd, oh gawd, oh gawd' like some one's shot him in the arse with a tranquilliser gun. My so-called critical analysis is in brackets as it should be.

Man this is priceless, there’s this guy on the phone to two ladies (I presume they’re enjoying some sex toy of some sort) and he’s going:

‘could yew mention me wife’s name…while yew doin’ it….dem tit’s are luvvly'.

God, it’s like listening to Vic Reeves as Barry White…'that's great man...'

I’m not one for banning porn, but English porn should be, leave it to the Americans, they're good at it (ooh faint praise).

Whist!** he’s changing channels, I’m hearing bad dance music…might be a chatline ad

she's reely is a dirty college girl inn’t she’

I’m hearing panpipes for a second now bad dance music again now bad guitar music, God, he has got a short flarn* attention-span, he must be young as he hasn’t yet settled into a mature avenue of peccadilloes. He’s moved to music channels, now it’s Steve Harley & Cockney Rebel’s 'Come up and See Me and Make Me Smile' (oof! that must have ruined his *mood*)...he's back to the flarn.....

'you've got georgous you do sit ups? (how does that affect the georgosity of the bosum?) mmmI luv' yer arse...your breath's so minty it's so hot (is this in an aesthetic or an actually burning way?)

ohh some piano music, must be some classy lady love happening it feel so good don't stop...
Voiceover (from someone that sounds like Jade Goody): keep watchin' fem to fem night on Playboy TV...

Oh no, he's flicked back to that phone in thing where bad orgasm acting is punctuated with shouts not of passion but Dave? Dave from Enfield? are you there? Honestly the guys who ring in seem seriously confused and apathetic like they thought they were ringing into a model railroading show or something, they're like 'em yeah I'd like to eh...em.. er...put...that there', what are you talking about railway couplings or something?. emmm thank you so much for calling....

What! there's a guy calling from Galway called James, but he's not Irish though, in answer to the question 'are yew horneey?' he anwers...'yes, incredibly so...' James is *finished* and one of the ladies goes 'I remember the first time I was fucked in the class room, it was sooo sexy' (what? what the fuck!) Now there's some goon called Dave on, god he's a loon, 'yeur clit is so good' he says (good at what?) then he gets all flustered and says he's going to ram his clit up her pussy!! Another chump is piping up (barely) and say she wants a dominatrix. One of the models goes You best have your cock inside your hand boyo! (who is this? some sort of dominatrix Tom Jones)

It's just finished, thanks be to fuck, one of the model's goes "See yew next week for another Essex TV Live!" (is there anything in that program title that would make you watch it)
My fingers cannot type this shit fast enough, it's unbelievable how humans ever actually managed to populate the earth.

Conclusion 1, Comfort Stand Records' Wakka Chikka Wakka Chikka: Porn Music For The Masses Volume 1 is the only good aural version of po-nag-ra-fy.

Conclusion 2: The world is doomed! doomed! I tell ya.

*It’s Bobbity Bob Bryne’s phrase but I can’t stop using it.


Caddy Powers Jr said...

During the last general election I spent all night watching election results with copious amounts of alcohol (even I admit that this is a strange way to spend a night) but was than horrified to find that I missed out on Red Hot's election coverage. Why wasn't I told they were covering it?

Apparently it was much like the Beebs version only Jon Snow was replaced by a porn model sans clothes. Caller input was welcome but perhaps not so helpful to debate considering one of the guys who rang up started to talk to the girl and instantly climaxed - which he loudly told to the nation.

I understand the point of watching Red Hot is self gratification but surely you may want to make yourself seem a bit more capable. It is easy to fake over the phone.

It sort of struck me as the exact opposide of the Richard Prior sketch of what happens when you finally sleep with a woman you really fancy but come too soon.

clamnuts said...

British flarn is a funny thing. I can handle the odd Brit that pops up in a US blue if she's not over the top but I have some exclusively
Brit stuff and it's woeful. Man, you gotsta see Fucked in Ireland, first major hardcore done over here and you think its iffy seeing some cockney rebel gettin done in the bum for fun, wait till you see a yungwun from Ballymun. Horrible.

Lorcy said...

that's the funny thing the english girls who appear in American or European stuff are great, they actually talk and are very funny like Roxy Jezel