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From the Desk of Mel Columcille Gerard Gibson

"Howdy Sugar Tits and Toffee Knobs...."

Just a little note to encourage you all to see my movie Apocalypto if you haven’t already, it’s great and a lesson to all of you that insist on following heathen ways: you’re destined to have your home pillaged, your women raped, be painted blue and yer gizzard torn out by a man in a scary mask up a pyramid thingy. Don't say I didn't warn ya. The Catholic faith doesn't have any gorey blood sacrifice at all....well maybe it does a bit, but it's proper blood sacrifice with a cross and stuff and no blue paint...maybe some annointing oil, but no blue paint, so it's the one true blood sacrifice ya hear. Oh and spears...see we're civilised use utensils for our torture not our bare hands.

Apocalyptois a realistic and historically accurate story about semi-naked heathens who go around beating the shit out of each other and eating tapir balls, seriously man, I went over to darkest Mexico and saw if with my own eyes. Thank God the Catholics came over there and civilised the place or you and I would have to eat tapir balls every day, think about that the next time you’re in McDonalds! (or maybe not it could well be tapir balls).

Hey ladies, Apocalypto is for you to! I care about you ladies, I’m real gentlemanly like. You ladies should stay out of trouble, that’s why the main female character spends most of the film down a dark hole, pregnant and taking care of babies the way god meant it to be so men can get on with hunting raping, fighting and killing, it's for the best you'd only get in they way with your fancy jewellery and stuff.

And check this out, those old heathens were totally shitting themselves over some vengeful deity that will kill them if you don’t do what he says...wait a minute.

Your pal in Christ

the
Melster