Saturday, July 08, 2006

The Wit and Wonder of Norwich

When you skulk around Norwich as much as I do, and you happend to have a wee policeman-style notebook about your person as I happend to do, it's tempting to use it for more than writing down quotes from Trancers III * like noting down conversations I overhear on the highways and byways of Norwich. Like these two jokers, a couple walking towards The Waffle House:

Barefoot girl: If you go to the Waffle House, you expect waffles..."
Mook boyfriend: "You do expect waffles"

Next up was a couple I was walking behind across from the Theatre Royal.

She was a statuesque German girl in a pair of hot pants that could literally stop all wars on the planet if they were filmed and projected on giant plasma screens suspended from diribles hovering across the problem spots of the world, I am not exaggerating, I nearly went blind on the spot. Anyway she's with some English guy and I'm thinking to myself, what scintillating conversation is he coming out with to capture the attention this sexbomb:

"yeah...ummm...the parking in this area is very reasonable...."

What the fuck, the parking this area is very reasonable!! why the fuck aren't you two home fucking? It is like Alan Partridge rants on the pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre, only in reality and ten times more depressing. That guy is probably at home now drinking some Adams (3.7 percent wow!) and watching a documentary on steam engines while she is flicking herself stupid and he's going 'ummm I think I might watch the special Late Night Gardeners' World and he's reading the synopsis:

"In this last show before the summer break Monty, Joe and Carol make a virtue of the later time slot by looking at evening gardening as well as preparing Berryfields for the summer break."

most shows 'make a virtue of the later time slot' with gratuitous sex and violence not 'preparing Berryfields' but he probably thinks it's a great idea.

And finally, there's the lost kitten poster attached to posts around Unthank Road:

'Help I'm Lost! I'm a kitten and my owners really want to find me, will you look in your garden or shed for me"

Now I'm a total cat person, I mean look at this fine cat we have at home (it's got one eye and half an arse, hardcore cat, it 'got in a fight'). But cut the middle class talking through your pets crap. Just say say your cat is lost don't write a fucking poster from the cat's perspective. My reaction to this poster is not, wow I must look out for that cat, but sorry my feline buddy, i'm ignoring 'your' little poster why?

A: You're a cat!
B: You're lost: how the fuck did you find a digital photo of yourself attach it to a poster and type it out with your wee lost paws.
C: You're a fucking cat!!

What am I gonna do, if I find this cat and say, are you the cat that wrote that poster? do you want to use my computer to write a 'found' poster to your deluded 'modern parents'.

It's like those parents that write letters from the persepective of their kids so it gets on TV shows and it's like 'hello I'm am two years old and I really love Blue Peter and watch it every day from my Fisher Price gym' because they didn't get a letter onto Blue Peter.

There is obviously great thinks about Norwich, on the same day I got Volumes 1 and 2 of Vintage Thurber (1974 editions with dust jackets) at a church book fair for 50p each! (score) I seem to be the only one pleased about this but they rock!

*Jack Deth (Tim Thomerson): "You're a big man around here Godzilla...I'm impressed..."
Shark (R.A. Milailoff): "Compared to you I'm big everywhere..."
Jack deth: "I don't know what you need more, a personality or a bullet in the head...."
Shark (in a robotic voice): "I'"

and Jack deth: "You'll see me again Alice, you're the best thing that's happened to me in two centuries".


Joe said...

Honestly Lorcan, what do you expect outside two such monuments to outre existence as...ur...ur...the Theatre Royal and the Waffle House!? The Waffle House is patronized entirely by 16 year old girls from Mount Pleasant spending their pocket money and trying to look sophisticated. Oh, and some of the most moribund looking "dates" I've ever had the pleasure to spy upon.

Cheers for coming on Wednesday, and for the presents...


Miss Amanda said...

Once upon a time, before I left the wonderous city of Norwich, I was walking on one of the side streets off Unthank and saw a lost pet sign. I had to stop and ask aloud "Are you fucking kidding me?", not because it was written from the pet's perspective (which, I think would be more like "Do not help me! I'm finally free from my oppressive masters"), but because this lost pet was a turtle.
Yes, someone, somewhere in Norwich, lost their pet turtle and is calling on the kindness of their neighbors to look out for some small green slow moving thing that may or may not be living in their yard.
It was, without a doubt, the dumbest thing I had ever seen.