Wednesday, November 24, 2004

(Chav) Love Hurts...

I was in the gym the other day —I go occasionally in an attempt to curtail the ravages of my dissolute lifestyle—and saw a delightful young Norwich couple that would be known as ‘chavs’, in the parlance of our time. They had lovely matching love bites. These weren’t just matching, they were uncannily identical: in size, consistency, colour and position. How was such arcane magic achieved, I wondered? Did the first biter have a go, then, as the first love bite formed into a nice purple blotch, trace over it with tracing paper? Was this painstakingly achieved outline then placed on the neck of the second bitee so the second biter can have a go? Was a stopwatch used so that the consistency was just right? Anyway, the sight of this couple with their sports accessories, distinctive jewellery and barely disguised violence toward each other had me thinking that once you become aware of Burberry hats and clown pendants they become ubiquitous. Clown pendants are insane—they’re like action figures dipped in gold. A Stephen King novel about a haunted clown pendant that chokes its owner cannot be far away. I saw a shire horse pendant yesterday and imagined a demented ‘clown riding a shire horse shooting at a rag doll with two jewel encrusted gold Uzis’ pendant…must call Argos and see if they're interested.

What about us geeks? Where’s our pendants so we can ride the crest of this cultural chav wave. Fear not dear reader(s)*, I have taken it upon myself to design an exclusive range of ‘Geek Pendants’, see below and be the envy of your lab/library/science fiction book club.

*Delete as applicable.

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