Prelude, back in the days of Donkey Kong, Superman III and Acorn Electrons, there was a sordid pocket of geekdom where one imagined having some lady love with a lady robot (listen to him! Like this was some sort of nationwide thing and not yet another personal peccadillo). What were we to do with films like Blade Runner, Cherry 2000 and Weird Science, which was on once in Ireland and my mam sent be to bed and wouldn’t let me see it, in retrospect a good decision. Anyway, she did let me stay up and watch David Cronenberg’s The Fly the night before my Leaving Cert English exam, which is what I attribute categorically for getting an A1 in it....anyway some current ennui...
Along with the auld podcasts, I'm loving the Myspace thwang*. It does allow one to keep in touch with old pals like the Dawn of the Replicants lads Roger Simian and Mike Small. It also allows one to project the impression of, you know, having friends. One of the sideeffects of Myspace is 'friend' requests from supposed ladeees. These messages appear to be randomly gendered horrorgubbins from fat sweaty bastards with too much time on there hands that will robably sell you panites down the line for like £5 a pop, proabably, I don't know the current rate of excahnge for auld ladies' drawers these days. I don't know waht women on Myspace have to put up with, probably fat sweaty bastards who don't have the decency to pretend to be hot bisexual/single/rich/models who are inexplicably single and wanting to meet cantankerous shuts ins like your dear narrator.
I thought I might do some textual analysis** of these 'requests'
First up, there's Janey with, count 'em 14 'i's
hello sweet how u doin am janey from usa livei n alaska,i saw ur profile and must tell u that i love u ,baby am singel seaching for my lifepatner ,am 32 years old ,am carring loving truthful ,i heat lie coz i have been hurt before by my own boyfrirend i dont know if ur intrested in meeting me this my mail adress firstname.lastname@example.org,hopeto hearfrom u soon ....janey
She's 'singel' and seeks a 'lifepatner', whatever that is, despite the fact that has a 'boyfrirend'....hope not to hearfrom you soon janey
Next up there's Rose 234, who sports a lovely see-through blouse, what a nice name! Is she one of the Wexford 234's? I can't wait until I hear the patter of tiny feet of all the little 234 McHomunculoids we might spawn if she wasn't a robot lady:
am rose from usa.. am 26 years old... i we like to known you more... then this..i really love the way you perform on your profile.i we like to meet you.....i want you to meet me...on yahoo messager...this is my id email@example.com.. am glad from you...i really like you speck.. i love you too..you are too cute man i we onlin.. so fine cute add me bye...see you.. nice to meet you there..
I/we would love to meet you too because that yahoo id 'allhuman' really sets one's mind at rest. I love the way I perform on my profile too, although it's mostly eating 10p 'Nobbiy's Crisps' from Budgens and listening to the 'Spaced' soundtrack. I think I really like your 'speck' too but I don't know if we're talking about the same thing...
*I was going say the ole Myspace yoke, but I did not want to keep the the slang too Irish, 'yoke' being whatever random thing you have at hand but can't think of what to call it, like 'that yoke over there' although it did become slang for 'Es' as in 'get that yoke down yer neck' and 'those yokes were a bit dodge last night'.
**hey, it's my only marketable skill, I have to make it sound like looking at things and saying things about them is some sort of skill.