“If your mom’s a vampire, and your dad’s a Frankenstein, how come you’re a werewolf?”

Back in my day, they used go on about films making people violent, like as if you’d go out and kill someone after seeing Driller Killer. I have just watched the 12a feature Van Helsing, and it make me violent, if I ever see director Stephen Sommers in the flesh, I would love to lamp him a good one square in the chops. As anyone who knows me would attest, I am not a violent man but the butchery of all my favourite old horror films in some sort of cgi timeless, “if it’s European it must be fictional and old” style wonderland nearly made me puke. How can you spend so much money and still make a film shitter than most of the films I normally watch? There were so many moments where I said to myself “they can’t do something so cheesy”…”oh my god…they just did”. Every 45 seconds of every minute of this movie cried out to be a story arc of a sequel that will never be made. They should concentrate on making the other 15 seconds of every minute of the damn movie be like the movie that’s actually fucking happening. Thank god I didn’t spend more than 99p to rent the fucker. God, (and I only capitalise it because it’s at the start of a sentence), how low can you go when you’re plagiarising The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

I mean that’s the problem, I can handle a piece of shit if it’s made of rubber, but a piece of shit that's cgi?

Sorry, the hot water’s gone in my place and I’ve been having cold showers for the last two days…it makes one a mite tetchy.