Thursday, August 11, 2005

Jimmny's video rap sheet...god help me eyes...

I chose various shite packages of VHS 'greatness' for various reasons. Now find out why, with great actual back-of-the-cover quotes© where applicable! Also, to the chagrin of the Word 2000 spell check, I have retained all the grammatical mistakes in a (sic)-stylee. Any perspective screenwriter or, I don’t know, The Wachowski Brothers, may want to take note, in case they have ‘unconsciously’ plagiarised them all.

Because I genuinely wanted to see them (gawd help me soul)
Mom and Dad Save the World. Years ago, I used to stay up until 3am and watch shite TV (plus ca change). One of the shows I loved was America’s Top Ten which showed loads of U.S. film clips of trailers of top films that would soon be on UK and Irish screens, but of course, in the case of this fine Howard the Duck-style shite-slab, they ended up being sold years later for 50p in closing-down video shop, and being bought by a gibbering Irish lunatic.
Enemy Mine. “ENEMIES because they were taught to be. SURVIVORS
Because they had to be”. I now own, and for 50p!, one of the first videos I first ever rented… that passes for achievement in my sad shitbox world.
Black Moon Rising
What the dillio? Tommy Lee Jones in an action style thriller written by John Carpenter and featuring a Knight Rider-style car, how could I not, and for 50p!
“In every good, there is evil. In Holly Gooding there is something worse. Much worse…”
Monolith “The Power to Destroy Worlds” (only got it because it's sci-fi and it had Bill Paxton in almost starring role).
Xchange “Out of bodies. Out of time”
The Wizard of Speed of Time.
Saw a clip of the ending of this flick years ago and for 50p it’s worth it to own the finale, not the rest, though, ohh the 1980s…they could get away with anything. This does have a trailer for Ghost Chase, on it though. This one of Roland Emmerich’s first US movies it look awful. My friend Pete looked it up on imdb while were were watching this and I said, I bet it has a rating of 2.8, sure enough it did, what kind of shit super-power is that! Being able guess shite movies imdb ratings.
I could claim patriotism with this one, but I chose it because it seemed to have lots of nudity of gore before I found out it filmed and set in Ireland: “ Beware the beast within…Returning to his parents’ ancestral home, Colum Kennedy (Allen Scott) discovers an Irish village populated by animalistic shapeshifters…” I could laugh in a disparaging fashion at this plot, but I wrote a similar horror novel about mutant cows in Co. Cavan called “Cannibull” I would claim it’s ‘lost’, but it’s just shite.
Scanner Cop “Imagine a cop who could read your mind and then blow it away”
Scanner Force “Scanners against scanners…the battle for total control has begun…within seconds…the fear…the panic…the agony”
Darkman II: The Return of Durant “Vengeance Strikes Hardest in the Dark!”
Dollman “Thirteen inches…with attitude”…”He was the toughest, baddest cop on planet Aturus. But when a high-speed space chase lands him on eath and right in the middle of a gang war, Brick Bardo (Tim Thomerson) is in a class of his own. He’s thirteen inches tall, armed to the teeth and getting meaner by the second…”

Because they are regarded as good films, or least, half-decent ones,
After Hours
Exit to Eden
Guily as Charged
Lord of Illusions
Mortal Combat
Resident Evil
"A secret experiment…a deadly virus…a fatal mistake…"
Strange Days
-December 30th, it the end of the world or the beginning of a new one? Lenny Nero (Ralph Fiennes) stalks the streets of Los Angeles, a street hustler, an ex-cop, a seller of broken dreams. (all well and good, but the last time I checked, new year’s eve happens on December 31st!)
-Superstar Clint Eastwood is back in what the Daily Mail called “an undeniably tense thriller.
Trouble in Mind
Wise Blood

Because they featured statuesque warrior women. This, as any regular reader* of this site will know is own of my main perversions and peccadilloes, forwith:
China O’Brien
Dancing at the Blue Iguana
-Exposing their bodies…hiding their souls!
Red Sonja
-Two legends unite to defeat the greatest evil on earth.
Terminal Force.
-Laura(Brigette Nielsen) is a battle hardened warrior from a distant world sent to Earth to search for the mysterious Fire Crystal, key to all creation and the only hope of saving her planet from the armies of cruel invader Kyler…Amid incredible time-travelling and visual effects sequences, the two become locked in a battle with cops, the Mob and the enraged Alien, while the fate of two galaxies hangs in the balance. In a time of death-defying danger, may the Terminal Force be with you!
To The Limit
-When Frank Da Vinci’s (Joey Travolta)** wedding day turns into a massacre, he finds himself in the middle of a war between rogue CIA agents and the underworld, The mysterious Collette (Anna Nicole Smith) has the key to unlock dangerous secrets—but is she a trustworthy friend or a deadly enemy?
[P.S. this scant plot synopsis is bolstered with the following titles in large letters to coax the cock-stroking wee lad into purchase: “Guess? Jeans supermodel and 1993 Playmate of the Year” and “The newsworthy 5’11” beauty fills the screen with her presence”.

Because they featured Time Travel or Parallel Dimensions
Last Lives
“On the run from a parallel universe, only one man can stop them…time is running out!”
“They thought they had no future…but now they’re in it!”
TimeCop “ Turn back the clock…and you’re history”…In the year 2004, time travel is not only a reality, it’s an opportunity-for criminals of the future to alter the past for profit and power.
Time Runner
“From the creators of ‘Xtro 2’ and ‘Shadowchaser’ come this amazing ‘Terminator’-style sci-fi thriller, starring Mark Hamill from ‘Star Wars’ and ‘Bladerunner’s Brion James. (what a fine use of ‘quality by association’)
“Jack Deth is back…and he’s never even been here before!”
Trancers III
“Time waits for no man...Deth Lives”

Because they featured robots or cyborgs:
Death Machine
“In subterranean level 10 of the Chaank Corporation Building there are 23.2 billion dollars in bonds…an in vault No. 10…”

Project Shadowchaser
“Man created him, now man is the enemy. Project Shadowchaer. Billion dollar brainchild of military scientist Joseph Kinderman (Joss Ackland)..The dream—to create a perfect synthetic warrior. The reality—a deadly one-man war machine. Intelligent. Indestuctbale. Out of control…(but aren’t we all)

“EVOLVER is at the cutting edge of robotics, an incredible ‘smart’ robot that grow faster, stronger and deadlier with every duel it plays. Originally designed as a highly intelligent killing machine, programmed to infiltrate enemy lines and eliminate ithout prejudice, it has been transformed into a state-of-the-art games machine”…err I can see where the problem may arise.

Nemesis 2: Nebula
Los Angeles 2073 Ad. It has been 7 3 years since the CYBORG race won the Global War. The surviving humans have become their slaves. A resistance scientist has created a super DNA gene, which will produce a powerful mutant human. The child will be the first of a new generation capable of destroying the CYBORGS.

Ghost in the Machine
“Last night a serial killer died…His body was laid to rest but his soul has come on-line. Free to continue this reign of terror by using electronic circuitry, the serial killer’s next target is the unsuspecting Terry Munroe (Karen Allen) and her teenage son. Their only chance for survival is with the help of a brilliant computer hacker…”

Because they were set in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, my favourite time and geographic period.

Salute of the Jugger
-In a futuristic world of the 23rd century ravaged by long forgotten wars, there is a violent and lethal game played by warriors known as ‘Juggers’. Exiled by the all-powerful league, Champion Jugger (Rutger Hauer) and his team of gladiators roam the scorched wilderness challenging all comers to savage combat. But to regain their honour, they must re-enter the League and beat the elite team.
The ultimate game is about to begin.
And winning means more than honour Far more. Today the prize is survival!
(The L.A. Times called it “Relentlessly Brutal”… was there ever a better compliment)

The Survivalist
-The Time: Somewhere in the future
The Place: United States of America
The Event: Nuclear Devastation.
…You can destroy a man’s country and pull his family apart-but you can never kill his spirit.

Future Sport
“In 2025, a revolutionary sport is the only way to stop a revolution.”

Hey guys, want to come round mine and watch some videos…hey…where’ya going?


*I’m fooling myself that I actually have regular readers, they are, no doubt, at least mentally, irregular at best.
**Like that’s a guarantee of quality.


Caddy Powers Jr said...

Hey, I like Enemy Mine.

Okay I'll be quiet now as my childhood fondness for cheesy films has obviously caused me to violated my good taste.

Also, Dollman. Isn't that copyright infringement? I'm sure there is a DC superhero of the same name.

Lorcy said...

I love Enemy Mine, especially the bit where the guy's ear get's cut off and the birth scene, very poignant. Check out this entry of the international superhero site for the many 'Doll'-themed superheroes.