You Bladerunner? The Defective Deckard Voiceover Version Part I

Hello! :), I'm Rick Deckard, I live in the future, it rains, but I have a cool gun and I get to have the ride...kinda...I think she liked it and then I fought some guy who was a robot, kinda...yo*

Amid studio fears that even the 1982 voiceover would still be too complicated for some audiences, studio bosses came up with the conceit that if Deckard was a replicant there might be some previous less intelligent copies of him knocking around that could do the voiceover for a level more suited to the instant thrills of the post-Star Wars sci-fi generation.

For the first time ever Time Life and Times of Jimmny Homunculus is proud to present part one of this unheard voiceover, this is best enjoyed whilst watching Bladerunner: the final cut. I hope you enjoy it. You don’t need to start the dvd just yet, he has to introduce himself first:


"Hi I’m Rick Deckard I live in the future, I wear a coat and eat noodles and sometimes bang ladies up against walls, but they seem to like it, but ,whatever, she’s a robot lady right? (shit I shouldn’t be giving this sort of stuff away so soon, forget it, until later, I told the guys in the suits I’d be terrible at this…anyway)

So it doesn’t matter, phew at least I’m not a robot, that would suck wouldn’t it? Or maybe it’d be cool, like that gold one that can’t use its elbows or the wee one with the midget inside it…anyway I’m here to explain some of the things that happened to me recently.

P.S. I’ll also make a few funnies along the way to lighten the mood, because you need a few laughs in movies so you don’t have to think too hard.

Don’t worry there will be violence, breasts and flying car things, so don’t get bored with all the talking stuff that makes your head hurt.

Quick it’s starting! There’s some sort of tree thing

Some boring writing about stuff, you can skip it doesn’t matter….

I’m Rick Deckard it's Los Angeles, November 2019, there’s a good chance or rain today with high probability of me getting my ass kicked…

Wow! those firey things look cool, there’s probably some wanky music happening right now but I’ll talk over it anyway, I’m not in the film yet but I’ll tell you want's going on in the meantime.

There’s a big prymid and an eye, with some fire inside it….that must hurt.

He’s a robot! There’s some guy asking boring questions with a bellows thing, he’s a crap Bladerunner,
Heh tortoise, even I know what a tortoise is, kinda.

He’s gonna get shot!


Bang!

he got shot! that crazy robot even shot his coffee

Hahe he got shot, crappy bladerunner I’m better.

Ah shhh! Here I am,

I’m Rick Dekard here I am wearing a coat, and reading the paper, I live in the future, can’t remember what’s in the paper something about the Harlam Heroes winning Death Race 2000 or something.

It’s raining

I’m going to get some food at this restaurant that sells food

I’m asking for 4 no two two four, I’m holding up my fingers
Some guy is poking me in the back, he’s in Battlestar Galactica now, it’s cool…

Don’t know what he’s saying some sort gibberish, it doesn’t matter, he probably forgot his lines, ah "Bryant" I know him he is a nice fat man and he gives me whiskey, he lives in a wee house inside a bigger house, we’re going there now in the flying car!!

It’s the flying car, maybe it’s got laser guns on it, that would cool,

no, it doesn't have laser guns on it ...:(

That Gaff fella let me take my noodles in the car, but he won’t let me press any of the buttons…drats

He’s got a funny hat, on, he’s funny.

Here's Bryant, hi Bryant! Ah he can’t hear me…

The The Defective Deckard Voiceover Version will continue soon....

He needs me because I’m a cool bladerunner

*Obviously I love Bladerunner, it’s the best way you can spend 117-118mins (depending on the cut you watching) apart from some drug-fuelled foursome with an asian lady, a black lady and a loevely transsexual, I imagine, but Bladerunner will have to do ‘until the mess get’s here’ in the parlance of No Country for Old Men.

Update:

Check it out, performed this live at Soapbox, Oct 7, 2008

Robert Neville days....

Enhance 224 to 176



Warning: There maybe spoilers if you haven't seen I Am Legend, or read I Am Legend, or seen Blade Runner or read Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep or read books or seen films, or basically were wandering around with cotton buds tapped to your eyes dribbling and not watching what films were at the cinemas and what books were in the book shops.



If I was to invent something to drive me crazy it would be Bladerunner coming out on dvd and I Am Legend being in cinemas at the same time there is not closer fictions for loneliness than this.

It’s a common theme of my life, and my work.

They’ve never a made a close adaptation of I am Legend, jesus, it’s an amazing book. I made jokes in my stand up about how Will Smith in the movie doesn’t want to ride the vampires, like he's been on his own for three years, we see no scenes of him wanking and even when he has a 19-year-old vampire strapped down and she's sedated and breathing heavily no action, Charlton Heston would have tapped that, in the parlance of our times....he's fucked monkeys I'd seen it in a documentary....

It’s all in the book at night, when Neville looks through his peep hole and the female vampires are taunting him. Can you imagine, sexy taunting vampire ladies, when you haven't have the ride for three years, I can, and he's the last person on earth, and it doesn't matter what he does...a novel about the last man on earth that can fuck and kill anyone he wants from 1954? I don't think they'd have Will Smith running around riding slow goth ladies and staking anyone in the heart who says different...

meanwhile his ex-best-friend Bud Cortman is banging on the door shouting ‘come out Neville’ while Neville stays inside and drinks whiskey and smokes. Thats the bit that kills me in the book, it's not the crazy vampires, it's that they can talk you wouldn't mind killing faceless monsters for three years but if they were banging planks against your door every night shouting in a crazy zombie voice for you to come out evry night? When would you crack? like if you'd been alone for three years and someone goes 'come out?!' what to the pub? beyond the blood sucking bit, you'd want to, there's someone out there that wants to talk to you least...

It’s fucking amazing,

A couple of days ago I had awful time, what I refer to Robert Neville Days, before Christmas for about a month and a half I had been working every day, at kitchen work and teaching, knowing that my dad was very ill. Robert Neville Days for me, and since then, mean that you want to stay in your room and not deal with anything in the outside world (be it outside you door, or Internet connection) because they are vampires and you are waiting for morning so you can wander around and kill them all, in the parlance of Neville, the bastards.

You feel like explaining to anyone who can be at all interested to ask that science fiction isn't some wanky laugh, orm silver space ship, it's that the loneliness of somthing like I Am Legend (the book, not the film with the wanky christian/village shite tagged on) or Bladerunner is the ultimate in loneliness, and loneliness and alienation and awfulness are as much science fiction to most that read it as zap guns and green ladies are as those who don't.

These fictions to speak to people like me (and maybe you), you can have your bibles or P.S. I Love Yous or whatever stories get you throught the night it doesn't matter these are amazing stories for the lonely, the melodrama for the teenage boy.

To be the last man on earth?
To be hunting and killing what you might be and what you might fall in love it...?

beat that Jesus...

you fecker
that'll teach you not to let me wank....

Holy Fucking Christ....

Sombody somewhere nominated my blog, my blog, written by the monged individual above, somewhere for something:

check it out here.

Sci-Fi has been talent agency spoof (Kropserkel.com)

e-migrate, must make up some more words!

Check it out, mentioned in a post a while back that 'e-migrate' should be a term for when yourself and a group en masse move from one social networking site to another, like from myspace to facebook. It got excepted must put more up like, Admiral then President Thomas 'Tug' Benson, Lloyd Bridges's character in Hot Shots, like i've just tugged my Benson, or he's a right Tug Benson. Hot Shots remember that, remember when parody films had an internally conherent logic and were like, you know, funny, not just a string of recognition and bad jokes.

Comedian - a movie trailer for Jerry Seinfeld w/ Hal Douglas

'no I like it here...'

On the Edge of Blade Runner...pity it's not in the dvd set

Comedy MySpace

Hello there, I've just set up a comedy myspace. I hadn't really bothered with Myspace for ages having e-migrated (is that a word yet can I coin it?*) to Facebook, so there's just a list of upcoming gigs at the moment, might do some youtube rants on the Webcam later and put them up.

*Doesn't seem to be so I have! (pending editor's review) ah the joys of the Internet.

Fist of Fun Live

Check it out! Stewart Lee's website has a video of their live Fist of Fun Video along with all of Fist of Fun and This Morning With Richard Not Judy...joy

Yes, this Norbit...Oscar-Nominated Norbit....

And I thought the Oscars were in enough trouble already with the writers strike and all, but we now live in a world where Norbit can claim to be 'the Oscar-nominated Norbit' ...just in case you tried fooling yourself into thinking it was some unknown French film called Norbere or something... it's this Norbit

I'll have to look it up, but is this a world first that something get's nominated (eight times!) for the Razzies and the Oscars in the same year? Just in case you fooled yourself into thinkings it's film called Norbitz IV from a parallel dimension, no it's this Norbit....

Just in case you feel you've had a Philip K Dickian schziod episode trying to undertsand how something can be deemed the worst and best at the same time, let me repeat...it's this fucking Norbit...

A film that seems to be mostly about how fat people are funny but fat women are funnier and fat black women are the funniest of all, but it's humour of a sublime nature if said fat black woman falls on top of things repeatedly. I think it was Mark Twain who came up with that aphorism.

..or it could have been a slug on half a discarded dustbin lid, I'm not too sure, I always get those two confused...

Of Mystery and Mooks!

Look at the state of yew! as we would say in Ireland in my head I just stay 'state!' whenever I see such a mook...

"approvalhems" Paul Rudd's great turn as 'Alias' seduction master

In an ill-advised move I caught most of The Rules of Seduction on Channel 4 last night. Chillingly misogynistic in their 'philosophy' these 'pick up artists' or pua's make up for it in some of the most hilarious outfits this side of Tokyo subculture squares. The first mook Darren was an awful Russell Brand alike who had spent all his money on pick up seminars. Their main goals seemed to be how many girls they can harass and how quickly they can get contact details. It's sad to see likeable geeks immediately looking like cocks with the simple addition of sunglasses and a cowboy hat. But that's not enough, the Americans are obviously way ahead in this sort of frat boy idiocy check out (through your fingers): The Mystery Method oh an VH1 have a reality show based on these mooks Screen Wipe where are you to take this cocks down!

but the costumes are hilarious:

From Hustle and Cash Flows great post on this idiot. Oh wow your fake eyes are hyptotizing...

Yo what's with the googles homes, are you a bad Mad Max villain, are they for looking into girl's souls?

Laugh Out Loud January 21 2008

Tom Moran's other half Jemma has taken some great shots of the last Laugh Out Loud night, which went really well despite being statistically the most depressing day of the year and myself and Tom not feeling the best. It was the first time doing stand up since the Laugh Out Loud christmas special so it was good to get back on the comedy horse so to speak and do well.

The Asylum...

In the fine tradition of Roger Corman style knock-off and cash ins, The Asylum has been pumping out poor relations of current Hollywood blockbusters but what they lack in money and special effects knowhow and stars they make up for in bonkers titles.

Here's TransMORPHERS(2007):




Other gems include

AVH: Alien versus Hunter
I Am Omega (2007) a kinda I Am Legend

Monster (2008) their version of Cloverfield

full list of titles here

Wiki entry here

Zig and Zag do Patricks day

hawld yer whist...captain shamrock

Poor auld Seinfeld, poor auld Pat (in the brains department)

Not poor in the monetary sense obviously, but his enthusiasm for Bee Movie meant that he had to endure, in the parlance of Irish media, "insuferable arseholes" first there was Larry King




Then there was Pat "the plank" Kenny, a certain dumb riffer pointed me to the existence of this clip and then the man Linehan put it up on his blog, altogether now...Seeefeeeld or whatever, what, like giving Seinfeld a Superman action figure is a big great gift? he's proabbly already got about ten of those dolls...did they really scour Dublin for such and item or did they just go into the nearest toyshop and get one. When have we had elephants?, I presume Kenny is thinking of Dumbo, "not having known bees intimately" wtf!!

biggest stand up and sitcom star in the world and Kenny has no clue who or what (or dare I say it*) he is!?...



*"and she did, and she's here, and she' gorgeous"...see how Gaybo (the main proper Late Late Show host did it!) bit of background, Pat Kenny once referred to Dana International as "he, she, or it"



part 2




and for the laugh (excuse the politically incorrect imagery):

Oooh...

I may have done a little poo of excitement despite my best efforts....

Roger A. Trevanti Explains The AMPTP's New Proposal

Happy Birthday Caitrin!

It's my sister's birthday so here's some Killers videos she might like and some old pictures she mightn't but I think they're really nice...especially the one of her laughing at something, can't remember what, and it might have been the ginger beard and proof that I made someone laugh...once.

Another slice of Garfield slagging,

found by Brenda, cheers, from the great Achewood

You're not one of them...

How can you refuse a comic with the tagline:

The Good News: Superheroes are real.

The Bad News: You're Not One of the Them.


official site here



read the first issue along with a load of other image titles here.

After the great Invincible, you need seriously moxie to do a similar 'my parents are superheroes but I'm not yet...or am I?' book but this is a more complex book with Alan-Moore-esque retro-style sections ala his run on Supreme
Nice article on related complicated messes
Much as I love the whole superhero meta-post-moderno-world-where-superheroes-are-real schtik it never really progresses much further than Watchmen. You have you Batman type, your Wonder Woman type your Superman type etc. and becomes a nerd parlor game for those who haven't parlors to guess the in-jokes. When somthing like Invincible or Grounded comes along it's fun and great for the first few books, but their popularity mean that they surprisingly quickly get weighed down with their own continiuity, gawd I sound whingey, I do enjoy these books but how many Squadron Supreme knock-offs must we suffer as background characters in these books.

Thanks bastard internt...

for realising another dream I didn't realise I had, a site of live action versions of Garfield strips with accompanying music tracks!!

I Want More Porn ( Original Song ) Tom Willett

A message from future Jimmny when he moves to America, lives in a RV and gets a new accent

Stand Up Madness explosion, Laugh Out Loud, Earlham's Dirtly Little Secret, Smoking Mic...

A new year, a new chance for people to hear me tell embarrassing stories of geekdom, teenage bullying, dead seagulls, pornography, She-Hulk...you un/lucky* people
First up is Laugh Out Loud a the Rose on Monday January 21, 9-11pm. Laugh Out Loud Myspace

Tom Moran MC
Andy Leitch
Giles Derrington
Christian Ancliff
Lorcan Mcgrane
Jon Brittain
John Kearns

Then It's The Workshop/Earlham's Dirty Little Secret on January 30th:

MC Carrie Anne Guthrie
NORMAL FOR NORFOLK
Andy Palmer,
Kirsty Hudson
and other great supporting acts


Then the beginning of Richard Melchior's Smoking Mic comedy tour on February 4th:

With

Richard Melchior, Jonathan Brittain, Dan McKee, Greg Powles and some ranting Irish geek


Smoking Mic Comedy Tour

Thursday 14th Feb:York Tavern, Norwich

Saturday 16th Feb: Kings Head, Dereham

Wednesday 20th Feb: The Swan, Loddon

Thursday 21st Feb: White Hart, Swaffham

Saturday 23rd Feb:London Tavern, Attleborough

Tuesday 26th Feb: Railway Tavern,Holt

Wednesday 5th March: White Horse, Trowse

Saturday 8th March: Silver Fox, Taverham

Thursday 20th March: Queens Head, Wymondham

Wednesday 26th March: Fisher Theatre Bungay


they had a press shoot on sunday that I couldn't make because I was making roasts

but if I had been available, here's how it might have looked

Smoking Mic...dare I say it...Smoking Mick?...

*delete as applicable

Three Great Virgina Plains

Peanuts....peanuts....peanuts....

You had me at Kinegad..Diet of Worms

Not that they'll need the exposure after been mentioned by the legend man Linehan, but I'm loving the video work of Diet of Worms, their Dublin Stories is great Office-esque in a good way skillfully observed character comedy. Especially episode 9: Orflaith (it's a lot classier when you spell it that way) & Vincent does for Temple Bar what Nathan Barley did for Shoreditch



"There's no reason why I left Kinegad"....

Their site is here
and their blog has loads of great comedy clips.

They'll definitely be in my next top ten Irish Comedy heroes!

The Feminists and Fancy Dancer

Whilst doing this post on I Am Legend a while back I found the great blog Posthuman Blues via which I found io9 Strung Out Science Fiction and this great post on The Feminists:

He must escape or die.. . . Almost instantly the shrill sound of a whistle broke to his right and a street guard stepped from a doorway, struggling to free her rifle from her garments. "Male Pig!" she screamed. "Halt!"

Welcome to the world of The Feminists, a pulp novel published in 1971. It's the story of cubicle drone Keith Montalvo, who has been caught consensually slipping the pink torpedo to a female co-worker. Unfortunately, it's 1992 and the Big-Sisterish "Committee" has outlawed all unauthorized heterosex, and his crime is punishable by death. Peek below for the cover in its full, unexpurgated glory.

This of course is a great excuse to to share some of my bad pulpy covers over at the old lost stepchild of the Jimmny Homunculus 'empire' The Culture Cocoon

First up The Deviates:

Next up The Sexual Outlaw!

And my personal favorite, The Fancy Dancer...are you a fancy dancer? have you had a fancy dancer in your home? has a fancy dancer asksed you bring a parasol or some perfume on a flight to Stansted?....

My Damn Channel

Whilst looking at TomGreen.com, (his show has been syndicated for TV! congrats) and caught Andy Milonakis who was in one of my all time fave guilty pleasure movies Waiting in a quasi Jay (of Jay and Silent Bob Fame) style role.



He's currently on great online comedy site MyDamn Channel which also includes some great videos see below!

It's no Tim and Eric but it's ok...

Ma in Refugee Care !!

I got an email in my disused UEA account saying "MA in Refugee Care" [click on pic to read] and my first thought was eck! where is she? lets save her. (or him obviously, but my first thought was a sexy prisoner of conscience prisoner lady ala Caged Heat, crossed with the Derrida documentary...






but on further inspection it was a course where you can do an MA in Refugee Care...oooh...

Bye 2007! Bye Shitty Year...

Off you pop...in the bin...

Clerks 2 LOTR Vs. Star Wars scene - good quality

"What the fuck happened to this world..."

Southland Tales -

bonkers

Southland Tales - official trailer

A Buckeroo Banzai: Adventures Across the Eighth Dimenion for the new Millenium...not that anyone (but me maybe) wanted that...

SHROOMS TRAILER

come to Monaghan...

Late Night Irish Smaltz

clovers aren't shamrocks, how many fucking times....and don't get me started on 'green white and gold'

It may surprise regular Jimmny reader/s*, but I ocasionally get a bit dewy eyed about not being in Ireland, not in a Frank McCourt-ack-me- life's-been-shite- and-I-had-to-eat- coal-and got-sent-to-America-in-a-box way but in a genuine love of proper Irish culture like Flann O'Brien, Patrick Kavanagh, and Podge and Rodge. (and other auld heroes of comedy)

To hear some of the old and not so old Irish songs, I make the mistake of going to youtube where you can hear many a fecking idiot butcher them either visually or orally

Check this not bad version of Raglan Road, (in song) but check out the woeful video. Want more, again an ok version but bad auld pronuncian of Pacric Kaaavanaagh

But these guys take the biscuit for a stab at Hills of Donegal, keep going lads, bang that wee drum thing you have and someone will get up and dance as it seems to be 4am at a wedding.

While I'm at it, this is what happens when you type in 'Irish Stand Up' into youtube. Jesus.

must balance this though there's

Whipping Boy's When Were Young.

A House Endless Art

Toasted Heretic Galway Bay to Los Angeles

*Delete as applicable

omega man trailer

I Am Legend Trailer 2

I am Legend

Was looking up stuff on I Am Legend and check it out above ! The first adaptation of Richard Matheson's 1954 Novel is public domain.

The Last Man On Earth (1964)

Although it may seem cheesy on first look, this is haunting in parts, especially Morgan's workman like and resigned day-by-day genocide, in the new movie, we getting the feeling that Neville is methodically working through each city block to find survivors but in this version it is more explicit that Neville is making sure all the infected are dead with the ensuign detriment to his mental health. The perverse enjoyment of being the last man on earth and having free reign on all of earth's art and technology is present in all, with the payoff of loneliness is the core of the story of myself and manya geek no doubt, of surrounding yourself with books, movies and music.

The Omega Man (1971)

Part of what I call Heston's "I saved the past, now I'm going to save the future you damn dirty cinema goers" (along with Planet of the Apes (1968) and Soylent Green (1973) ) Heston's Neville gets his monstrousity across a bit but he can't really express the loneliness and paranoia...the PHONEs aren't RINGing. My favorite bit is when he watches Woodstock over and over again and goes 'best GODdammn movie ever'. Like I was buying the existence of modern vampires okay, but the idea that he watches Woodstock every day stretches credulity. This sees a contiuation of a quasi-subplot of Heston movies: having a love interest that's a racial or exotic other, althought Rosalind Cash in the Omega Man give him more of a challenege than the scantily clad and mute Nova (Linda Harrison) in Planet of the Apes.

Get your lips off of me you damn dirty ape!...

ladies , the way Heston (and come to think of it Mel Gibson) like 'em:

scantily clad, in a cage, can't speak.

I don't think Heston every really wanted to leave the planet of the apes, you can shoot what you like and all the women who are intelligent look like monkeys and all the ones who can't speak are beautiful. If Heston had revived a 19 year old scantily clad vampire yoke and it was all heavy breathing and tied to a bed and almost cured, you'd know he'd be on top of it quicker than on a beach strewn with a hundred Statues of Liberty.

I Am Legend (2007)

Which brings us to the great I Am Legend. As in keeping with Hollywood's 'Sexzel Washington Paradox' good male black characters never get to have sex cf Denzel in the Bone Collector or The Siege but bad black characters get to ride all round them cf Training Day. There's also the paradox of this type of Richard Matheson or Philip K. Dick fiction of the 1950s and 1960s, paranoid, ambiguous characters, which Hollywood has trouble making into action movie leads.

Smith does a great job of expressing the loneliness and paranoia but there is less of the implication of the Neville character actually being a monster to the 'still living' faction of humanity that he is slowly destroying day by day, absent from the current adaptation, which reduces some of the dramtic core of the book. It's great to see decent science fiction with a darker edge on the screen though.