The adventures of Mucky Metal and the Porn Ombudsman.
Buy this teenage wank....
and get this free!!
In the university newsagent there's only three comics stocked: 2000AD, Judge Dredd the Megazine and Heavy Metal. For some unknown reason I picked up Heavy Metal in the hope that it had more stand alone stories. I hadn't read it for years and immediately felt like a mucky 14-year-old idiot. Thanks Heavy Metal. I'm just removed from the whole idiom of female characters in comics turning into leather-booted devil things with wings and that for no reason. The ads were good though.
I'm weak and was swayed, like so many times previously, by the 'bumper pack' magazine mentality. Current issues of Heavy Metal are bagged with an old back issue of Heavy Metal so it was like extra value, which as soon as you buy it you realise is not extra value but less space in your 'library'. For once the magazine I couldn't see was the better one (this only makes sense If you are familar with mucky mag-selling practices of British newsagents, call your local 'porn obudsman' for advice on the mucky mag choice that is right for you, don't get duped into buying 'Razzle' when it is sandwiched between two copies of 'Nugget' ). I used to joke about the porn obudsman and wrote some notes for an 'adventures of the porn obudsman' short story in the style of that noir-spoof Garrison Keillor story about the arts adminstrator, but now I find there already is a Utah Porn Ombudsman. Her name is Paula J. Houston, and far from being a consumer avenger for the common or garden pornnoisseur she wants to stop porn, kinda like a bizarro version of Watchdog where they don't want you to have consumer 'satisfaction' :
Proclaiming the occasion "historic," Mark Shurtleff,[Attorney General for the State of Utah]promised that "I, for one, will not allow pornographers to hide behind the First Amendment," and advised porn purveyors that "I'm coming after you, Paula's coming after you."
I'm fooked, she's after me! Quite a funny opinion piece on this story here, which also mentions whether naked mannequins are obscene!
If that's not bad enough, I have also seen both of the Heavy Metal movies too. The first one Heavy Metal is ok mostly because of the cult comedy cast, but Heavy Metal 2000 is pretty terrible despite having Michael Ironside and Julie Strain onboard. I've also seen Lady Death, I have to occasionally innoculate myself with Bisley-lite wank fantasy art to stop a full outbreak of Nacrol-ness.
P.S.
Kevin Eastman and Julie Strain !
Paul W. Anderson and Mila Jovovich !
See chubby geeks can end up with statuesque adult movie/action movie stars, it's very common, along as the geek in question has a made a few million dollars and is a director, and not someone who buys Heavy Metal and wastes the time not only to read it but to write about in on a blog.
to quote Mark Corrigan from Peep Show: 'It's what men want and we shouldn't have it'
or
Jeremy Osborne: [masturbating while looking at Mark's "Fantasy Figure Modeller" magazine] [thinks]
Jeremy Osborne: I'm a dirty hobbit and she's a sexy elf so she might be... "Oh! You dirty hobbit. Take off my bodkin and my jerkin." "Oh, yeah... pixie ears. But that sword." What if she was a hobbit slayer? I'd just use my enchanted amulet. "Yeah. Yield to me, hobbit-slayer. You will touch my magic cock."
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