Saturday, April 22, 2006

They call me Mister T!! I pity the the fool that's gonna write a blog post on me!

I always felt there was something up with Mr. T, I know it's hardly a surprising announcement, I mean who didn’t. I remember a babysitter of ours years ago telling us that Mt. T had had a heart attack carrying all that jewellery around and his twin brother took over the Mr. T role. The Internet seems to have no record of this urban legend so she must just have been fucking with me. This seemed like a travesty when I watched the The A-Team, (but Hannibal's a cactus how can he smoke a cigar? etc) It did occur to me that I had never seen the "T" out of character anyway so it didn’t really matter whether or not his twin brother replaced him. When I first saw Mr. T being interviewed ‘out of character’ (if such a thing is possible) all he could talk about was how his main aim in life was to grow up and get rich so he could buy flowers and dresses for his mother.... and protecting 'the kids'.

In Sub-City I got some old copies of Wizard (1 euro each!) and I open the June 2005 issue 194, on page 42, and see Mr. T saying the same thing "I am nothing but a big, overgrown, tough mama's boy". He was interviewed because he had a new comic out and tries to be tougher than superheroes (no one seems to have the heart to point out to him that superheroes are fictional and everyone is "tougher" than a wee piece of paper with some people drawn on it). Anyway Mr. T comes across as just creepy, you know how it is when you hear people giving out about paedophilia just a little bit too much and you’re thinking ‘why is that guy always going on about it?’. I mean, I don't think about paedophillia at all if I don't have to, why is it always family values right-wingers that keep bringing it up!? Anyway in response to a question along the lines of ‘so why the new comic’ T hold’s forth:

"Superheroes are not challenged. When was the last time Superman was in the classroom telling the kids don’t do drugs? When was the last time Batman or the Flash went to a hospital to visit kids sick with cancer? Mr. T does that all the time. I’ve been around for 20-something years doing the same things; reaching people, touching people, feeding the homeless, clothing the naked. We tell our children don’t talk to strangers, and everybody knows any time a guy is wearing a mask, he is up to no good". (my italics)

This interview is a total fluff piece but Mr. T, "T", the T, Tster, el TiTirino if you’re not into the whole brevity thing, is intent on ranting and implying that superheroes are kiddy fiddlers, like way to go Mr. T, way to win over the Wizard crowd. In response to the innocent question ‘Are you going to promote your comic at conventions’ the T answers:

When you go to the conventions, they’ve got a guy dressed up like Superman, another guy dressed up like Batman, another guy dressed up like the Masked Marvel*….you know what I mean? You don’t know who is in there. It could be a child molester! But you know who Mr. T is. We know where he comes from.

Yeah I know who Mr. T is, he's a guy in dungarees who can't can't talk for more than 2 minutes without talking about flowers, his mam's dresses or kiddy tamperers. He has managed to convert his over the top toughness into the single-most creepy thing in the world. In conclusion, I don’t pity the fool, his jingle jangle** tinkly winklies are nice and all I just think he tries to be so wholesome to what he thinks the white mainstream media will like he ends up seeming unhinged-and he never refuses a sup of milk even when it is pumped full of date-rape style drugs...does he secretly know it's in there every time?

*Props on the obscurity Mr T.
**There’s a thought, maybe he’s Jimmy Saville’s long-lost son!!


Aunty Helpful Dictator said...

I have only one thing to say to you:

Quit your jibber-jabber!

Lorcy said...

I can always quit my jabbers but my jibbers be givin' me gyp.