mad tv - lost
the plane the plane! the plane is in the ocean
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Lorcy on Lost with Lee
As mentioned earlier, I got to do a great podcast for Channel 4 Radio with Iain Lee the other week. It's up on the site now! check it out, you can either listen as a streaming mp3 or download it in iTunes by subscribing with the bit of code on the 4Radio site. It was a funny and bizarre day after surviving sleep-deprived bus lust, the studio The Sound Company was well cool with big silver ashtrays that weren't just decoration, although the copious Amber Leafs and black coffees did not help my vocal 'stylings'.
It's on episode 20 'Two for the Road' which was a great episode to talk about.
Everyone was really cool, the producer Annabel, Iain Lee, Paul the editor of The Lost Magazine and the cantankerous 'Geeky Tom'. You no doubt know Lee from seminal The 11 O'Clock Show. He currently does Celebrity Soup on E! and a show on LBC, he also has a blog
Delirious lust bus boink
So last week I went over to London to do a Lost with Iain Lee, details above. I worked Monday night in the Rose and got the 5.45 bus from Norwich's futuristic bus station to get to central London. Unfortunately, this ridicious hour of the morning often entails the auld monring horn, which is dangerous affliction to have in public. This is exentuated by my views of hot fashionable London ladies, I kept boinking my head against the window in delirious lust. I saw a lady who was wearing a velour hodded cat suit and a bara, that was it! and this was at like 9am. I had to text top bros Bad Brute and Bob Bobbity Clamnuts for advice:
Badbrute: "Get a shot of you and the Lee for the blog, and leave the babymothers alone with your ravenous gaze"
and
Bob Clamnuts:" Fake arm in ur coat, real hand down the trews"....
Buying The Vice Guide to Sex Drugs and Rock and Roll hasn't helped either...
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Friday, August 25, 2006
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Pat the Plank: The Real Partridge
If you are from Ireland or have seen any RTE, you may be aware of Pat Kenny, Ireland's own Alan Partridge, without being a self-referential postmodern comic creation--it's all pure Pat baby.
He took over from Gay Bryne on Ireland's permier Friday night chat show, the Late Late Show. Whereas 'Gaybo' had the Parkinston common touch Kenny is eternally uncomfortable with the sort of 'scum' that pay his wages by making him popular.
Once on the toy show he introduced a scantily clad model dressed up as Lara Croft to two 8 year olds who were busy playing the game and didn't share Pat's lust for the tart. They were playing on a big arcade style yoke and Pat let her quietly sneak up behind them and she scared the shite of them. All the while Pat was making these facial gestures the poor wee scrotes as if to say 'hey, wink wink, like what you see fellas?'
Myself and top Dublin novelist The Community at Large I learned of this great Kenny story. Pat Kenny's wikipedia entry got vandalised, see they say 'vandalised' I say 'improved', check this piece of comic genius:
Nickname in college was “The Plank” because of his tendency to ‘get wood’ at inappropriate times. Is reported to have bedded over 40 show girls.
Was once a trainee priest, but was forced to leave the seminary over allegations of sexual relations with a nun.
Was once suspected of being “The Midnight Commando”, a Batman-style vigilante who fought night crime in late 1970s Dublin Once claimed to have travelled to space in “a giant hat”.
No-one believed him. Except Sven.
Was recently associated with huge shipments of rhoyhypnol into Ireland Sleeps naked in a polythene bag which he believes gives him great sexual prowess.
Hobbies include bending hot ones into unsuspecting interns. Reputed to have introduced the phrase “sweating like a rapist” into the vernacular after using it while he thought that the mike was off on his morning radio show.
Likes to get bonged up when he has some free time. Is very superstitious and insists on eating a newborn baby mandrill before each episode of the Late Late Show.
Has been known to do his weekday radio show in the nude on occasion.
Avid music fan who has a record collection of over 120,000 albums.
His lifes ambition is to meet and interview Mr. David Hasselhoff.
listen to him not getting a pun (I couldn't get it either, someone explain to me Gavin Henson must have being riding some one called Church? oh Charlotte Church, the other guy helpfully fills in the blanks, see I know nothing about footballers) but Kenny's pause is great and him giving out about his 'scum' listeners.
Kenny article on the Alan Partridge site
oh and check out their great clip of another real Partridge uncanny...dan Dan DAn! DAAN DAAAAN!! ...um he has't heard me....DAAAAAN!
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Lorc's lovely London loot!....
The Fetish Fact Book by Paul Scott :Bloomsbury Waterstones Remainder, £1.99
The Rough Guide to Superheroes: Fopp Tottenam Court Road, £3.00
Houdini Tarzan and thd the Perfect Man. The White Male Body and the Challenge of Modernity in America by John F. Kasson, Bloomsbury Waterstones Remainder £3.99
Excelsior! The Amazing Life of Stan Lee by Stan Lee and George Mair, The Comic and Book Exchange (Noting Hill), £1.50
Sex: Take a Walk on the Wild Side. Masterpieces of Erotic Fantasy Photography by Tony Mitchell, The Book Warhouse (Notting Hill) £5.99
oh and 50 comics for £5.00!
walking around London like a sweating sleep-deprived maniac...priceless
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
More Media Whoredom imminent
After my bit on BBC Three's When Comedy Changed Forever* and then the Woman's Hour thing on female superheroes and a bit on NewsTalk106 FM's Sean Moncrieff's show, I am going to London in about 3 hours (5.45am bus!) to be on Channel four radio's Lost show with Iain Lee.
It's a good show, I hope I can be 'Lost obessive' enough to contribute, whatever, it's an excuse to go London where I'll be checking out the Notting Hill Comic and Book Exchange (recommended by my bro Dr. Fabian Ironside )and Mega City Comics in Camden and of course a wee perverted look around SoHo like my previous London trips.
*These guys from Murfia Productions came to Norwich and interviewed me in my room, if you've ever been allowed in the 'batcave' this is a brave move, for about an hour and a half in what I thought was a great bit on how much Vic and Bob meant to me and my friend and their place in alternative comedy. When I was finished, the cameraman goes 'Is that an Oscar (c) ?' I went why no, it's an erotic bronze depicting cunnilingus....this may have meant that the bit was never used, but I will never know because I didn't see it because I didn't have freeview at the time and I didn't know anyone whose seen it all the way through.
Monday, August 21, 2006
Freeview follies...
With freeview one is only one minor micro nudge to wasting at least another hour with repeats and guff but I do like:
Quantum Leap, the Lost of its day perhaps? when will poor Sam get home, who knows? but it doesn't stop him jumping into Lee Harvey Oswald or Marilyn Monrue's chuaffuer, thanks be to christ they wrote in that whole 'can only leap into times within his own lifetime' stuff or they would have him jumping into Hitler just as he's about to sign some Auschwitz thing, and Sam would go 'oh boy!' and then Al would pop up and say he was in Auschwitz and he knew where some door was and Sam would be there going 'But Al, maybe I'm here to stop Hitler doing bad things?'
8 Simple Rules I love the fact thev'e ditched the whole (for Dating my teenage daughter) subtitle, (come on, it's not Sledge Hammer!: The Early Years) this abbreviation makes it easy for me to come up more interesting subtitles in my wee noggin like 8 Simple Rules (for riding my teenage daughter) and 8 Simple Rules (for diddling with my daughter) etc., you get the gist. What the fuck are these rules anyway?
1. Wear a leather biker jacket to seem cool.
2. Be sexual in a strictly nonthreatening way
3. Fancy the blonde one and then decide you prefer a bit of ginger.
4. Not say anything to Lela from Futurama about her dead husband (the one who isn't Locke or Ed O'Neill).
5. Make a mildly suggestive face when you appear at the door.
6. Think that you might fancy a bit of blond or ginger but then vear more towards the mature charms of the Segal for comedic purposes for one episode.
7. Use dating 'the teenage daughter' as a ploy to get closer to the pre-teenage son.
8. Arrive masturabting at the door and hit poor John Ritter/James Garner/David Spade/whatever father figure they've cast this season square in the pupil...
I see now why I never actually picked a lady up from her house for a 'date' in my so called youth.
yer nuthin' but a sex mechanic....
Here's where freeview follies go ballastic. So after work I have a few pints with Joe at the Eaton and at home end up watching Tales of the Unexpected and it's an episode with two great actors Rod Taylor (you know from Time Machine) and Cyril Cusack (you know from Fahrenheit 451 and every worthy Irish production ever). Taylor plays an uppity yank* who picks up Cusack playing a Northern Irish pickpocket who dares him to go as fast as he claims his big beemer can. I won't give it away but the ending as it's... unexpected...but I was struck by the similarity between Cryil Cusack and James Young. If you are from Northern Ireland (or like me from Ulster) you will know 'Our Jimmy' one of Northern Ireland's foremost comedians who made a career out of doing old lady impressions (like Les Dennis but a billion times funnier). wait 'll tel ye...
So because of the vague likeness I had a spurt of late-night Norwich-based nostalgia and started watching Our Jimmy on DVD. I had to text and call The Badbrute, and just as he quoted the 'sex mechanic' bit it came up on my screen. Amazing. He alerted me to immediately watch Babymother on Channel 4, and, my god it was amazing, not for the movie which seemed ok it had Don Warrington in it, but there was a bewildered stringy middle-aged woman trying to sign for the deaf by communicating a London junglist style mash-up and ghetto barneys amazing, it's being recorded for prosterity, or until me and the da brute can enjoy it over over a few beers.
Speaking of that fine brutish man, his new phone-pod allows him to blog pics so check tis fine pic of himself and wee Brian 'enjoying' a hooray for'wankaaas' Pete BB party in the manner of condemned prisoners...
I think James Young is one of the best Irish comedians of a certain type and era (I'm not speaking of our fine alternative stand-up tradition, Ardal O' Hanlon, Sean Hughes, Dylan Moran, Dara O' Briain and god help us Ed Bryne whenver he can stop saying anything other than the 'Kearfone wearhous' ) but the ones that are broadly popular like Richie Kavanagh**D'Unbelievables, Conor Galeen (couldn't find any Web site for him) and Brendan Grace
*apologies to our American friends but can't think of any other way to describe the certain kind to American who has vague Irish roots and comes to Ireland to wreck our heads about how great everything over there is,
my favorite joke about this scernario is of an Irish-American and and Irish guy driving around Ireland and the American complains about the car being too small and how cars in the states are the size of trucks and then the road gets small and winding the American complains about the roads and says how the freeways in the states stretch on like fields and the they come across a Donkey in the middle of the road and the Irish guy gets out of the car and shoots it in the head and says 'These rabbits are getting fucking huge' ....
send in elaborations, i know it's old joke but it's my favorite 'reductive national identity' joke.
**but what's under his white gloves? it is like the ultimate mystery of Irish society why does Richie Kavanagh have those white gloves on all the time, it's like the Irish hand version of V for Vendetta, we will never know what lurks beneath his gloves. I'd like to think that he once cut some semi-naked pictures out of the Sunday World once and his dad found them and he threw them in the fire and wee Richie tried to retrieve them and he burnt his hands and then couldn't wank and then inflicted us all with 'aon focal eile'...it's a just a theory.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Wonder Woman Casting
If you haven't heard yet, it has been annouced that Morena Baccarin will play Wonder Woman in Joss Whedon's Wonder Woman film adaptation (props to the amazing HH making sure I mentioned this and that monkey PK for sending me the above pic). Although checking imdb, her statue has gone from "announced" a few weeks ago to "rumored" so who know?
I think Baccarin's a great choice, she'd got the geek kudos from Firefly and Serenity and even steels a film in her bit park in Rodger Dodger, she's also born in Rio so has proper Amazonian roots and I think can carry off hard-assed action and naive that suits Wonder Woman. I wish Hollywood had the guts to cast Gina Torres though, and a strange part of my being thinks Chyna would do a good job.
Although you can't go wrong with this great Wonder Woman fan film "Battle for Justice"
Back to the auld sink rinky dink....
It may be shite work, it may be hard work, but if you have kitchen experience you'll never be short of a job or a few extra shifts. The pub I work in does sunday roasts and last sunday I found myself back doing a kitchen porter shift. It's weird after over six months I still got quickly into the rhythm of kitchen work along with the angst and pulling faces when someone asks you to do stuff that's unrelated to washing dishes, not because you don't particulary want to do the other stuff, it's just that no one understands that if you don't keep washing dishes everyone's fucked but because your job is perceived as invisible they don't let you get on with it.
Anyway it was a good laugh to do it for a shift and not be trapped at the kitchen sink for six months. I forgot the fun of walking home lokking like you've pissed yourself becuase your covered in cold water from above four kness to below your nippets. Male readers may know the effect of cold water, it creates a sympton know as 'sink riny dink' where it almost disappears into your abdomen, and you have the coax the little fella out with booze and porn, well that's my excuse anyway.
If anyone is keeping track(i know i'm not) , here's a post of when I last last started kitchen porter work and here's a bookend post of when I quit my last ktchen portering job after lots of Jimmny whining of getting wet and being treated like shite (oh and narrowly missing getting fired by a manger woman who had the horn for firing poor smucks like your's truly*).
*Despite the fact that I've left the that place the manger woman still doesn't talk to me, I still get on really well with everyone else in the place apart from her and occasionally call round. I recently called in to the place and checked the kitchen wasn't busy before I called in, despite the fact that she hadn't been in the kitchen all day she just happens to come into the kitchen when I'm there and gives me a bollicking because I'm not insured to be there and then gave all the kitchen guys a bollicking as well, that's what you get for calling into see friends....
Saturday, August 12, 2006
So wanking ladies are like snow flakes....
It's a tough job but somebody's gotta do it, I could say, but no one's gotta do it, but I'll act like they do, and give you some quotes from: Masters and Johnson on Sex and Human Loving
William H. Masters Virgina E Johnson and Robert C Kolondny. Mcmillian London (1986) a book I read today for my 'Spider-Man and wanking' chapter (working title)
with my 'textual analysis' in italics:
"Masters and Johnston noted that no two women they studied had been observed to masturbate in exactly the same way. Even if the general pattern of physical self-stimulation was similar, the timing, tempo, and style of each individual's were unique. While men, in general, have less diversity and more "sameness" in their masturbation patterns, individual embellishment or idiosyncrasies exist here too" (p.289) [So women are the wanking musical geniuses dainty harpsicord players and men are monged session musicians tugging away like brutish apes.... fair enough I suppose...forgot, Slipknot are men, aren't they? under the masks who can tell?]
"A complete catalogue of the varieties of techniques used in masturbation could fill a full-length book and would probably be boring reading." (p.290)
[to who? I'd feckin' read it, this line reminds me of Bill Hicks' great bit on Basic Instinct:
'all the lesbian sex sequences were cut out of this film because a test audience were.turned.off.by.them man is my thumb not on the pulse of America, I don't want to seem like randy pan the goat boy but, eh, it was the only reason I went to see that piece of shit movie, ya know. If I had been in that test audience, the only one protesting out the front of the film would have been Michael Douglas demanding his part be put back in....yeah you get to see her pussy for one eighth of a second...you know there's movies you can rent...nothing but pussy, did ya all know that? one eighth of a second of plot the rest.... pussy, the numbers are exactly reverse, one line of dialogue "I'd like to see your pussy"
[on sex dolls] (p.294) "These devices can be used with lubricating lotion or cream and may also have features that add vibration or heat to the experience. It must be pointed out that these devices are not always manufactured and may pose some physical risk if they go haywire"
[What! do these guys think 1970s sex dolls have some sort of Westworld consciousness? not even Real Dolls, so I'm told, 'go haywire']
Reading this next, so I'll keep you posted on any interesting quotes, it's a tough job....
Friday, August 11, 2006
And people give me grief for watching too many shite movies...
but at least I don't put them into action! Is is just me or does today's "London Terror Plots" story with lines like "these are ordinary liquids but mixed together in the right amounts could be made into explosives" not remind you of the Joker's plot in the 1989 Batman movie? and that's not even starting on V for Vendetta style 'we have found the terrorists' style rethoric...England pervails...God I wish the Day Today was still going, these news guys are itching for carnage, getting experts to surmise how horrific it could have been.
Don't forget!: go fuck yourselves!...
Our university intranet's current front page always gives me a laugh:
"DON'T FORGET! Exclusive use of Zest for conferences from July 1 to September 9. July 1 to September 9 Full details of opening times are displayed in all the catering units."*
This cunting thing happens every summer, the university hires out the main cheap hot food canteen for sole use of voucher-carrying conference attendees. Literally, our scant money is not good enough for them. You can't go in with money and buy a meal, you have to have a voucher. So you're getting into a world of pain financially and emotionally (I know I know there are lots of good bits, but go with for the purposes of the next few lines) and then you can't even eat at the place where you are studying because the college is preferring the package-holiday style business of conferences over their own students.
*or resturants as we used call them in my day, i.e. a few years ago.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Because those pesky robo-zombie-nazis don't kill themselves you know....
Have been at a loss for a good Xbox game in ages (since Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory) and thought the Batman Begins game would fill the sneaky sneaky shooty shooty void, no such luck. I don't know what it is but they never get Batman games right (I tried in vain to play this pile of digicrap). Batman has such great scope for a game but the Batman Begins one isn't it, everything is two clunky one would think firing barangs would be fun but all that happens is a batarang icon apprears and you press a button and it automatically hits the target. Planning to trade in the bat-bobbins for Black or Far Cry.
Anyway, a mre £1.99 in cash coverters hooked me up with Return to Castle Wolfenstein. Wolfenstein is of course, id software's prototype for Doom and the like. I enjoyed this much more than Doom 3, it's got more outdoor sequences, more sneaky sniping and a great range of crazy and historical weapons. It does give you a banging headache with all the bullets flying everywhere and Nazi's shouting 'schnell!' all the time, which is nifty inbuilt feature to stop one playing it too long at one sitting.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Sunday, August 06, 2006
V for Value search: with guest poster: Lorcy the Consumer Monkey.
My misadventures at buying V for Vendetta on DVD in the form of Morrissey the Consumer Monkey. (The following post refers to Vic Reeves Big Night Out, but the reference is not absolutely necessary as I think putting my face on a toy monkey is funny enough?).
Jimmny: Oh hello, my little investigative chum, you've been trying to buy a film today.
Lorcy The Consumer Monkey: Oh hello Mr. Jimmny, yes I have been trying to buy a film I thought I wouldn't like but then I saw it and I love it now it's called V for Vendetta.
Jimmny: So what's it's about?
Lorcy the Consumer Monkey: It's about this bloke in a mask that blows up buildings and that and kipnaps a lovely lady and shaves her head but she don't mind coz like he's got loads of books and that he uses alliteration and stuff.
Jimmny: I can see how that might appeal.
Lorcy the Consumer Monkey: Yes it does appeal Mr. Jim so I had to buy it really early after it came out even though it'll be about 2p in HMV in a couple of months.
Jimmny: so anyway do the consumer bit, how much did is cost.
Lorcy the Consumer Monkey: Well it's an interesting story Mr. Jim, interesting to me at any rate coz it was like loads of different prices for no apparent reasoon.
Jimmny: well get on with Lorcy so I can get to bed and cease with this tiresome charade.
Lorcy the Consumer Monkey: Ok Mr. Jim, well in HMV the one disc version was 15.95 and the two disc version (excuslive) was 19.99, in Virgin the one disc version (and they only had one in stock) was 19.99. In WH Smith it was 13.97 for the one disc version and in Borders it was 15.99.
Jimmny: So where did you get it then...
Lorcy the Consumer Monkey: Well in Tescos of course, for 12.97 and spent the rest on wine and padded envelopes to send some books about cats back to to my mam.
Jimmny: So this whole post is all about you buying a DVD after walking all around Norwich?
Lorcy the Consumer Monkey:Well yes Mr. Jim I got to look at some microgoths and got some comics out of the Forum on the way like.
Jimmny: God I hope there's something more entertaining coming up on Novelty Island.
Lorcy the Consumer Monkey: So do I see ya now, byeee, I'm off to watch V for Vendetta see ya byeee....
Friday, August 04, 2006
Do do do doooo do.do.do.do.do do.plink. Freeview follies
If you couldn't guess, above is my typographical rendition to the theme of Dream On. Along with Sledge Hammer, Dream On was one of my favourite shows from a misspent youth of being a TV-junkie teen and not just because it occasionally showed bosumed and fostered my bizarre chrush on Wendie Malick (she 56 now! and in Just Shoot Me! a rare programme that echoes the thoughts of its viewers). Anyway Dream On was a great show where in a pre-Ally McBeal stylee main character Martin Tupper's emotions were represented via vintage TV and movie clips. Badbrute has a particular love of the wee cowboy jumping up and down firing his six-shooters and going yeehah! to denote arousal. There were even immiators not only miss McBeal but Herman's Head with Yeardley Smith lattery Lisa Simpson in the role of the sardonic secretarty.
Freeview is like crack though, a friend 'EB' has just moved into the house and bestowed on our house of geek a freeview box, handing that remote to me is like allowing a crack addict to live in that drug factory that Robocop blows the shit out of. Not only repeats of Lost but Curb your Enthusiasm and The Daily Show. I finally get to see Charlie Brooker's Screen Wipe which is great, YouTube is groaning with Brooker but see above for the first bit of the first episode. Only on TV tonight, Time Trumpet has already made it as it has garnered a You Tube Spoof!
Hey it's not all drek, the Mark Lawson interview with Clive James led me to CliveJames.Com where his 'In the Library' Web-interview series is an amazing online streaming interview series filmed direct from his library.
And the amazing Emily Bouff is still on TV (one of the presenters of Bits the best video game show on TV ever!), unfortunately it's on Quiz Night someoen save Bouff! she should be spearheading Channel 4 comedy or something by now!!
'Do not get out much?'....Out of the mouths of babes
Last week I taught a few summer schools on the pretenious title "Up Up and Away! Introduction to Cultural and Media Studies through Superheroes". They were great kids, (in mind I kept say 'Yes, The Little Lebowski Urban Achievers and very proud we are off all of them). It was basically my usal gibber gabber with powerpoint and discussions. I randomly selected about 30 comics at random and getting the kids to analyse them. It was good fun (although one kid spilt his lemonade on an issue of Firestorm: The Nuclear Man No. 25, but that's no biggie it only cost 25p, it was weird seeing kids trying to get to grips with The Heckler and Captain Atom. A black guy happened to get Truth, Red White and Black and was sayign he thought it was reallt racist. He had a point, it was a storyline that imagined it the Captain America experimetns really happened if so, in the manner of the Tuskegee Experiment they would try the super soldier serum out on African American frist hence Truth, the first black Captain America) is left-wing and admirable bu thtey did get Kyle Baker to do it . Now Baker's a great artist, but I can see how his exaggerated and cartoony style could be misconstrued.
There was on funny Vicky Pollard/ Lauren moment with a girl from Hackney who comes into the room and sees me in my Batman T-shirt and just goes:
'What, did you just wear that because you're doing superheroes stuff?'
'Do you just stay in all the time reading comics?'
'Do not get out much?'
my only answer was a mumbling 'yell emm I get out a bit...'
never a trueer word spoken....
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