Tuesday, April 01, 2008

The Life and Times of a Stand Up Comedian

Apologies to all Irish people ever, I was away from home, they made me do it etc...

wha?


Tom Moran and Myself




A St. Patrick's Nun....


Or 'I hope that fucking Irish cunt doesn't come back on' as some lovely man said in Swaffham.



‘In terms of labor relations, the basic problem with living your life is that it’s on-the-job training and by the time you get some skill at it, you are permanently laid off’ Harlan Ellison


Do stand up comics sleep every day until 4pm and stay up until about 5am every night because they are stand up comedians or do they become stand up comedians because this is what they do anyway. Near the start of my act I normally start like this:

Hello there, thank you, it’s great to be here, I’m a lonely comic book geek, so it’s just nice for me to be out of my room
Where myself and an executive committee of action figure make very many important
Decisions like telling google not to filter my image search results
If I type in ebony I don’t want to buy a coffee table

In Dereham one women when ‘what’s Google’

And there’s some other bits, can’t repeat here, but I worked it into the act and go, 'I can only assume Dereham's top mathematian and for her Googol is synonmous with the number that's a 1 with a 100 zeroes after it'

But I have started adding in : ‘I know I’m a stand up comedian now, I smoke too much, wank too much, drink too much and sleep every day until 4pm….mind you I did all these things before hand but now it’s called research’

It’s been bit insane since I got back from Krakow I have been either teaching or gigging or working in the bar/kitchen. It’s been surreal and great and horrible in equal amounts it’s strange the thrill of the gigs go well and back to the same lonely room with about 2-3 of elation to deal with. Most of the easter time has been spent watching Firefly, which I first discovered one Christmas and now feel the urge to watch it at Christmas and Easter, it’s all too short when you watch it in 1-2 major crazy sessions.

So my internet went down because I couldn’t pay it, no internet?! It’s like having no right hand, come to think of it actually, It’s like the opposite of that. Will sort it out and be online and active soon. It’s hard to do proper long personal posts these days. These days I’m teaching at the art college doing kitchen bar work and doing stand up on average about 2-3 times a week, sometimes more. The first Smoking Mic tour is technically over but we’re starting a new one on April 10, see the press pics above, not really it's from St. Patrick's day, and tour dates along with all my upcoming dates above.

What the hell has happened to late Night TV



Even with freeview, there’s not much on past the 4am mark, always a turning point for me round about 4-5am whenever puppets start turning up, it’s bad news when it all goes from comedy to education when all that’s left if BBC news 24 which does have some comedy like when archbishops and popes and the like start talking about embryos and stem cell research, when they are wearing glasses and…ahem appearing on television, no science involved there of course. Surely an ex-member of the Nazi youth would be down with lots of experiments involving embryos. Where's the balance? I want a molecular biologist on with his/her opinion on the colour of Jesus's pants.

Other than that there’s Floyd on the Fjords and Taste, the two guilty pleasures of latenight TV. Had a discussion with Rich at work my co-chef and unfortunate listening post to most of insane rants during shifts, I like staying up until 5am and he likes cooking so he did see these shows, but I think he sees them at normal hours not on the 5am repeats. I saw Floyd cooking some goose monstrosity and what looked like a bathtub boiling with lots of pale meats and sausages, that all looked like the ‘baby’ at the end of Alien: Resurrection.

Although Taste has a hot presenter her borderline racism is quite funny, whenever a food expert from an ethnic minority comes on she’s like a lunatic, ‘now this daal isn’t too hot is it?’ etc., as if to assure all concerned that whatever dogs these experts are cooking will be alright for a usual Sky Three audience.

Ah I miss Troma’s Edge TV and the Trip, not to mention Vids and Bits. With No Internet my film watching has gone back to pre-information super-procrastination highway levels. Easter was only made bearable by watching Firefly and Serenity a bit too much and these flicks:

Bug
Like great, old Twilight Zone episodes, 1970s horror, like Bug, which this isn’t a remake of but thought it was before I found out more about it, even things like the David Warner movie Nightwing, that crappy low budget end of horror set in remote motels in the American south or even elements of Psycho along with Phillip K. Dick-like paranoia. Ashley Judd is a revelation and Michael Shannon is a twitchy genius.

Stardust
Alright apart from that unicorn shot that Matthew Vaughan is suitably sheepish about as it's almost identical to Bladerunner's, which Jane Goldman is oblivious to, had to go back to the commentary on that particular bit because I wanted to see what he said, he said as a filmmaker he was embarrassed about it. Bob's a highlight but all I could think about was fucking unicorns and the idiots that like them so it kind of cancelled itself out.

American Gangster
Good but they were a little too anxious to have Crowe and Washington as buddies, Chiwetel Ejiofer as always was great. Was left feeling though that someone who becomes a gangster kingpin couldn’t have been so cuddly surely he did some horrible shit that we’ll never find out about, and as soon as it started I knew ‘Across 110th Street’ would appear on the the sound track and of course it does.

In a Lonely Place
Great always good to take a classical Hollywood breather in amongst contemporary stuff, Bogart and Gloria Grahame are amazing in this and it’s underrated masterpiece.

Aliens
Much as I love the Alien box set the Aliens disc has an awful habit of always going straight into the James Cameron commentry, if I hear the words ‘hey Jim Cameron here, the version of Aliens you are about to see if my favorite’, madness will ensue.


Oh and Grindhouse, I did stay true to my previous rant and did not see Grindhouse until I saw the whole thing properly, and caught the double bill at a late show at the Odeon, where we’re doing a comedy night this Friday. I did like it, Planet Terror more than Death Proof, but the Vanishing Point references and the appearance of the great Zoe Bell made it so worth it. As a crap movie geek, I may have mentioned it, the injokes in Grindhouse are amazing, just to see Michael Biehn and Jeff Fahy (the terrible twins of straight to video crap of the 1980s on one screen as brothers was amazing) As always with anything from Tarantino since Jackie Brown, if you’re a 14-year-old boy, you will probably think this is the best film ever, and definitely one for those that like arses.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

bye Arthur C. Clarke...



The Sentinel, the short story that 2001 was based on was one of the first proper science fiction stories I read, and Arthur C. Clarke was one of the best creators of believable science fiction worlds. I always loved his three laws, especially the third one:

1. When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.

2. The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible.

3. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.



I also love: "The truth, as always, will be far stranger."



Although for laugh out loud hialarity you can't beat his diary while working with Kubrick:



May 31. One hilarious idea we won't use. Seventeen alien, featureless black pyramids riding in open cars down Fifth Avenue, surrounded by Irish cops.



July 9. Spent much of afternoon teaching Stanley how to use the slide rule -- he's fascinated.

July 11. Joined Stanley to discuss plot development, but spent almost all the time arguing about Cantor's Theory of Transfinite Groups. Stanley tries to refute the "part equals the whole" paradox by arguing that a perfect square is not necessarily identical with the integer of the same value. I decide that he is a latent mathematical genius.


July 12. Now have everything -- except the plot.



October 17. Stanley has invented the wild idea of slightly fag robots who create a Victonan environment to put our heroes at their ease.



December l0. Stanley calls after screening H. G. Wells' Things to Come, and says he'll never see another movie I recommend.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

The John Kerwin Show - Elliott Gould interview

just caught the end of Who? on TV Eliot Gould since seeing The Long Goodbye at college, good interview, once heard he got some sort of mental health problem rap in the 1970s I thought jeez you might as well hand out speeding tickets at la mans

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Whoa, Robert Loggia!

BANNED Pres. Bush Interview

i love this so much

Luke Kelly - Raglan Road - 1979

Ian Paisley Heckles the Pope (1988)

Bye Ian! you'll be sorely missed, if only for comedy value...

Yer Having a Laf Final, tomorrow at the Golden Star 9pm

Howdy just a note to say that I'll be performing the final of the Outline/Golden Star's Yer Having a Laf Final tomorrow at 9pm some details below, the monthly heats were good craic.



Here's soemthing that always makes me laugh a screen grab I did from Dominion: Prequel to The Exorcist, where the priest comes across a subterrean chapel....that looks a bit like a bosum...hehe sorry, it was in my pics file for years and never got to use it...

Friday, March 07, 2008

Youtube Hecklefest II



A while back, before I had been doing stand up long I just used to type in 'heckle' onto YouTube just to see when, how and where other comics got heckled, like a sort of an inoculation for being heckled just to see where people went wrong and did a post on it here. I still do it now before every gig when I feel like I'm going to puke, like a sorta ritual. When I looked up wikipedia for the same term I got this quote for getting rid of hecklers...supposedly, from Dane Cook

Comedian Dane Cook was heckled on his album "Retaliation", in the middle of a joke about Burger King, where the heckler yelled, "Make it happen, man! Make it happen!" Dane replied, "Shut up! You're ruining the show for everyone around you. Don't do that." The heckler kept going, and Dane replied, "Shut the fuck up, or I'll have you kicked out of here!"

What wacky comedy fun folks...here's some more


I haven't been heckled so far, but I feel, looking at these clips, heckling normally happens when someone is extremely arrogant and they cannot conceive that someone might think they were shite, it's like in their bizarre brain parallel dimension, no could ever conceive of them not being funny, while everyone in the world is going 'please! for the love of god stop now!' I have some examples:


Ian Paisley Heckles the Pope.....I know it's not stand up comedy per se, but it is comedy, he told them he was going heckle! and he had loads of posters in his pocket...and then he claimed they attacked him, ah poor auld popey, and you've left us with the that nazi guy from toy story....

You Insufferable Arsehole...I couldn't resist (thank you very much ) the best heckle ever, but you have to understand ...who Pat Kenny is, learn from here and here and here and here....and here...

Craig McLachlan's stand up, phew....this is tough to watch, first up he's trying to stand up to a football tv show crowd before ever doing it before with jokes that are all based on his previous neighbours success, but god, this is funny for all the wrong reasons....

Biceps: we have to include this mook, he cannot believe his homophobic views might get challenged by an audience member and his arms are meant to be some sort of hilarious comeback...and lest we forget very close to Richard Pryor's getting beaten up by the folks bits....'look at my biceps you think i can't meet a girl...' yeah you could meet a girl but she may want to kill you...meet doesn't really have the same meaning you think it does.

Lest see the heckler beater's shall we

You can't beat Mitch Hedberg

or Arg Barker

Meskie! Polish tobacco review....

One of the pleasures of being in Poland is being able to smoke inside (plus all the warnings are in Polish...they might say something nice) , also the fact that nearly everyone you meet smokes too, my cohorts Nathan and Owen took the sensible route of buying huge amounts of things like Camel and Davidoff cigarettes, I stupidly, tried to buy the cheapest. When a tobacconist in Krakow makes a concerned face when you ask for 'Meskie' and says 'Strong?!' you'd best listen, I did not, and thought it would be fun to do a budget polish cigarette review by taking various webcam pics acouple of nights ago ...it wasn't, observe:


*shudder*

First up, it's Casablanca, tips for visitors to Poland 1. don't buy tobacco based on liking the film, obviously the creator of these badboys doesn't remember what Humphrey Bogart died of and 2. don't buy them because the are 7.40 złoty which is about 2 pounds. They taste like bark that is on fire and are now hidden away in a shelf for dire emergencies, or whenever I want to look at the packet.

Second worst, Meskie....Meskie...ah dear, they are stubby wee cigarettes because, you can't actually finish one, they aren't cigarettes that'll kill you, yeah, they will, but they also immediately make you feel like you want to be dead...


ahh eck!....

oh dear, that's about as much as I can handle

Next up Rockets, ah Rockets, these were Okay, but only after Cascablanca and Meskie! these were about 1 pound a pack and alright. I dropped my pack somewhere while gigging, if anyone finds them, they can keep 'em...


Next up Domingo, I have actually finished this pack, they were probably as bad as Casablanca, but they were vanilla flavoured, would probably be best used in Shishas but it was alright



In conclusion Rockets and Domingo were joint winners, but they were all pretty horrible....

bye....

Monday, March 03, 2008

Jon Brittain - Chortle Student Comedy Awards 2008

Laugh out Loud stalwart and my cohort in the current Norfolk comedy tour trenches Jon Brittain wows them at the Sheffield heat of the Chortle student comedy comedpetition

Sunday, March 02, 2008

comedy bio

honking on a smoke pipe in Krakow, more pics and laffs to follow:



Had to write a comedy bio for the current tour, don't know if this will do, any suggestions welcome, does this cover it?





Lorcan McGrane is an Irish comedian based in the UK. He came from the rural Irish village of Rockcorry, Co. Monaghan to Norwich to write a PhD called “Superheroic Bodies: the Corporealities of Contemporary Film Superheroes”, along the way he has worked as a barman, kitchen porter and chef. Stand up allowed him to combine the geeky knowledge of academia and the humour of bar and kitchen work. Tales of his trials, tribulations and unhealthy obsessions with fictional Amazonian superhero ladies can be found at The Life and Times of Jimmny Homunculus (jhomunculus.blogspot.com). Beginning stand up in 2006, he has foisted his perversions and peccadilloes on an unsuspecting public with surprising success. Lorcan’s stand up is a mixture of bizarre stories of his times in rural Ireland, Belfast, Dublin and Norwich and his ongoing obsessions with sci-fi, relationships, porn and comics and the surprising connections between them all. He is usually to be found pottering around second-hand bookshops, comic shops, charity shops and dodgy bookshops (or would do if Norwich had any decent ones). He has been hailed as a chronic masturbator, but he is actually really good at it. Lorcan has performed in most of the clubs in the burgeoning Norfolk comedy scene, including Laugh out Loud, Earlham’s Dirty Little Secret, The Salt Box Comedy Club, Smoking Mic Comedy Club and the Outline/Yer Having a Laff competition, (in which he was a 2007 finalist, forthcoming final: March 13, 2008). He has also performed at the famous Battle of the Axe night at the Ha Penny Bridge Inn, Dublin.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

The Embargo Can be Lifted....







hahhahahh hheeee etc...




We're ready for our close up Mr. Welles.....

Like there ever was an embargo, I just want to feel like I'm a media network or some shit. Anyway, stop the presses! we're taking our stand up show to Edinburgh. Tom Moran, Jon Brittain, John Kearns and Myself will be performing our show, "Don't Rub Your Funny on Me" at the Standing Order (It's a Wetherspoons) in Edinburgh as part of Free at the Fringe. We're on every night 9-10 from July 31-August 31 with more slots besides, we all can't wait. It' won't make us famous or anything but it'll be seriously fun, so if you happen to be in Edinburgh you can hear our comedy rants for free and at a reasonably priced Wetherspoons!! So if you you want to see us in Edinburgh come up, and it'll be in a room in a Wetherspoons for free with cheap booze and expensive gags, well some of 'em are cheap.

names wise I typed up some ideas, some good, some not so...

Straight outta Norwich
Live from the means streets of Norwich
Alright boi
John, Jon, Tom and Lorc
Don’t Rub Your Funny on Me
The First Kings of Norwich
Laff Nelsons
Pun’s Labyrinth
Punshine
Norwich Parcan (John Kearns's came up with this, I had to look up parcan, it was a clever pisstake of Cambridge Footlights)
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (I liked the idea of it just being the name of a crap movie rather than a pun on a movie, also a kinda injoke with me and Tom on his 'love' of Doug Jones)
Funtastic Four: Rise of the Morning Duvet (Tom's)
Is that supposed to be funny
Funny, Peculiar.
Desperately Seeking the Ride
Foursomes and Moresomes
Inbred Space
The Pun Ultimatum
No Country for Old Jokes
Flyer Idea either, a photoshop job or us in cowboy hats and sheriff’s outfits with the requisite hairstyles (I left this in my list of titles it was deamed quite unweildly for a flyer title)
Their Will Be Jokes
East Anglian Promises

But the whole doing film puns on films that are out now but might not be current this July might've been a problem. Just after a great night at Laugh out Loud, at the Rose, it's the first place I ever did stand up and always the best, the audience is really friendly and you get to try new things, and then you find out what's good, whereas the more the frightening places you feel like just going for the tired and tested stuff. Today I read my favorite bits from Brenda Love's Encyclopdia of Bizarre Sex Practices here's her blog I'd recommend to anyone just for the great illustrations.

Such tales from the Norfolk tour, in Swaffham there was about eight people in the audience and they dwindled to four when there was a fight outside the pub, there was some idiot sitting on s tool shouting shit the whole show, in the interval he was telling racist jokes. For the second half me and Jon came out to join audience and he just goes "I hope that fucking Irish cunt isn't coming back out", must but that up on the blog as a review. I was round the corner going 'yeah that irish bollix, coming over here and stealing our broadband! that fucking Irish cunt', really loudly in cunting Irish accent, ah well, he's still in Swaffham and I'm in Norwich stealing his broadband (I would say stealing his women but we only saw about three all the time we were in Swaffham)

Friday, February 22, 2008

You'll Believe a Man can Cry....over wee lego snodules...


Ah this is a tough post to write, this time last week I wrote the most heart-felt post ever for Bob Byrne's of Clamnuts Mister Amperduke and then tried to embed his great trailer for the book and it deleted the whole post at about 4am! so it took a while to get back to it.



Anyway, we'll begin again as us Amperduke-like guys have to...



One the highlights of going home and doing the stand up was meeting Bob again and him giving me a copy of his long awaited graphic novel, Mister Amperduke. As he had said, don't flick through it, you spoil it, and he wasn't wrong I read it about 5-6 six times within the first few days of having it. Part of the back blurb 'Mr. Amperduke offers a new mode of visual storytelling' might seem pretentious but it's true, you read it once, quickly, to get the story but you immediately want to read it again to get the nuances. It is truly a novel in that you understand each main character's points of view and see their development. There's a great story in Tequila No.1 where I really got Bob's comics on a more emotional level, he has a tale of being stranded after a nightclub not being able to get home, it's called 'Say a Prayer for Me' and there's a bit where he makes a makeshift bed in a roll of insulated pipe in a bin and sleeps for a bit before a cabby picks him up and doesn't charge and just says 'say a prayer for me instead' the first time I read it and saw an image of him asleep in a bin with a teddy, I thought 'how did he get that teddy', but when I read it again I realised that the teddy was made from some of the insulation from inside the bin, it's that sort attention to detail that really rewards the reader in Amperduke.


As regular readers of this blog will attest, I have been singing yon Bob's praises since I've met him. There's a certain relationship that you immediately have with a fellow Irish comic book geek, you have the same shorthand, you've been to the same shops, you only need to say something like 'you remember yer wan who worked in Forbidden Planet', and memories of teenage lust and loneliness that are evoked (honestly if that redheaired girl with glasses who worked in Forbidden Planet only know how she was fuelling the lust fantasies of the whole country's comic book geeks, but I digress) .

But there's genuine feeling here, I first finally met yon Bob at the Birmingham International Comics Show and to be honest the highlight for me wasn't getting to see Mike Mignola or some shit but sitting outside the place having a fag with Bob where he layed down some personal shit that I couldn't imagine but a while later, and the shit that's happened to me, I totally understand and the connection between personal and creative work becomes more clear to me when I get older. It might sound wanky or whatever but but I think about my dad every time I go on stage, thinking, feck, he'd like this joke, he'd get it, no one else he or I know might get it, but he'd get the humour. Such a sense of loss is all over Amperduke, his back story what the rest of the world doesn't understand but he does and us, as readers do,



A certain amount of trepidation did fill me bones when I got my copy, maybe it wouldn't be that good? Even if it wasn't good, I'm sure I would have written some sort of review, but seriously, Mr. Amperduke will blow you away, I was amazingly surprised at how good it was. I was just proud to know someone who created someone like this. Hence the reason for trying to write a long and proper academiwank review of the whole thing.


I suppose the best place to start is from Bob's heart-felt introduction:

The most rewarding part of making this book was how I only realised what this story meant to me when I was over three-quarters finished drawing it. Yep, it's about Lego men battling a monster, but the themes that just smacked me in the face wasn't the wrongs of Man playing God or Technology versus Mother Nature but how easy it is to overlook another's private misery. We are largely incapable of recognising or relating to another's apin, the hidden agony when somebody's world end; that the world has ended millions of times, it's ending right now as people all around you lose a loved one or see their dreams die, yet the larger world continues untouched or impaired'



It's hard to know where to start, but I think the whole crux of a lot of Bob's work is the dicotomy between what is supeficially a cutsie Richard Scarry type world of busy little creatures going about their business and the dark humanity that lurks underneath. In a nutshell, I suppose, Amperduke is set in a parallel dimension where, instead of train sets, kindly grandfather's create intricate worlds of living lego men, called snodules. As the first incarnation of Amperduke explained, although they look like lego men there is a wretched wee living creature living inside each of these lego men. Due to an unfortunate slight and misunderstanding Amperduke's grandson 'Scampi' throws a crazy unstoppable bug called a 'Nechradon' into this amazing world and it causes relentless horrific carnage that Amperduke cannot stop. In this world Scampi pits crazy insects against each other in a sort of horrific real life Pokemon brawl.

I suppose some of the roots of Amperduke are in thing's like Mbleh!'s Clamland, the Richard Scarry business the neglected child in the person of poor wee Herby, and it's probably not mistake that Herby and his horrible uncle appear in a window of a shop in the first Amperduke story, other Bryne motifs are there in Amperduke like a poor wee snodule wearing a Devo hat.

Shit, better do this properly academiwank style first up themes: Death is a big one here, I suppose, as it is a theme in normal life, just the meaningless deaths of the snodules and how horrific the relentless rampage of the Nechradon is. For the reader the death of any wee snoodle means something, as it should, but for the world at large within Amperduke's world it's just a stupid hobby and this stuff is meaningless. I think this book will speak to any geek, how to the world at large it's just a crappy juvenile hobby but to you, when you're into it feels like life or death. Maybe it's just me but loneliness is also a huge theme. The tragedy that get's caused here from smalls slights and miscommunications in everyday life that we think nothing of but might affect people so much, Mr. Amperduke's story in this respect is amazingly well told, the balance between our obsessions and family and other relationships and how they might jarr against each other. There is so much more themes-wise: Individual frailty, like wee snodules before they get their shiny happy exteriors fused on; the loss of the feeling of design and a kindly old bloke looking down on us and sorting everything out; how sucha simple gesture from him like some 'tic tics' or a smile changes the snoodle's whole day; how misunderstandings can be sorted out over time.

Style wise, and I'll really be seen to be blowing smoke up yon Bob's ass (as our American contemporaries say) but Amperduke does have elements of Maus (the tragic feeling that anthropomorphism can provide) and Watchmen, the use of small regulated panels that erupt in moments of climatic action. There I've said it, it's that good. It's comperable to Watchmen and Maus, you can fight me in the car park later if you disagree...

in conclusion, after you read Mr. Amperduke, never will phrase 'Sniff Sniff' feel you with such terror again

love and snoodles
and congrats again Bob

Love
Lorc
x

yeah, check out these coupla geniuses*

*or genii if you've been watching QI or some shit

Monday, February 18, 2008

fox news lady slip up

hahaha it's the war on terror....on fox news..

Hello Dereham...and good night...







So we started the Smoking Mic tour of Norfolk towns this week and it's been a quite an eye-opening experience already. We started on home turf in the York Tavern in Norwich, which was a great night but then we moved onto the darkside...Dereham, which will probably be our toughest gig. It was is the King's Head hotel, see pic above, which was a kinda Fawlty Towers/Duty Free sorta place, we walked in with families and kids and stuff and going oh jeez.

Part of the fun of this though is travelling in a car and talkin guff, myself and Jon Brittain can slip quite easily into long geek conversations, my end of such is mostly rants on Superman Returns, Spider-Man 3 and X-Men III, a trilogy of darkness that has cast a pall on every fanboys life. It's what I like about Jon's comedy too, we are similarly geeky and analytical about both comedy and comics, it should make sense, you craft joke and when faced by the mooks of Derehem it's tough but we can still do it, even if they aren't listening or don't care.

One of my funniest moments in retrospect (but not at the time, where I was shiteing myself) was when one of the organisers Richard came out after his set and went 'they don't like swearing, anything about religion or sexual content', and I'm looking down at my set thinking, I might as well go 'Hello Dereham...and good night....' but I think my stuff went ok, there was one table interested they had ordered food and all I could think of during my set was 'mmmm chips thye have CHIPS' they were into it. Not like the other side of the room a group of large local Norfolk munters, in the parlance of our times. Even when I was doing a joke about Google image search they were talking amongst themselves going 'Google? what's he talking about?' I know my stuff's geeky but, it's not the most obscure of references. Here's the 'joke':

'thank you, it's great to be here, I'm sort of a lonely comic book geek, so it's just nice for me to get out of my room, where I make many important decisions, like telling Google not to filter my image search results. If I type in 'ebony', I'm not looking to buy a coffee table...'

It was a good experience though, sticking with my routine and the one's who get it and are listening like it, and others don't that's ok, and what was I gonna do...go 'hey this place look's like the set of Duty Free!...hey where's Keith Barron?...' Apologising to one side of the room, going 'apologies in advance but here's more about me being a pervert' and the other side of the room are going 'bring it on...more filth', it's weird. What I've noticed as well is female audience members have no problem with frank sexual discussion it's the blokes that are squirming and can't handle it...must remeber that. Out having a cigarette afterwards with one of the couples from the good table, I mentioned worries of the porn content and she said said 'I didn't think there was sex or porn stuff at all, 'what's a BJ?'' and the bloke was there like 'that's all it was about'.

The other organiser Greg Powles set the tone really right, he works for North Norfolk radio and can really get the local knowledge and tone right with innuendo, but once I come on and discuss sexuality frankly (but not using swear words, I use 'feck' one and that's it). You realise that when you doing a joke like:

I'm really into diverse sexualities, but when you talk about sex changes, there's always some fat bloke going...'if I had a sex change I would stay in all day and wank play with my tits', and I'm like...'that's what you do anyway, you don't need a psychologically difficult and expensive operation for that...'

you are ocasionally talking to some fat bloke who says exactly that, in our case it was a large grumpy mook called 'Jeff', who sort of cult figure for the night because of his extreme fat grumpiness, and also becuase Jon has a joke about a friend called Jeff, whenever we had a break or whatever everyone would go 'hey we have wait for Jeff, he'd love this' . At the end we were all getting a clap (or two) and Jeff walks in and solemnly gives us all the finger and sits down, heres to you Jeff, come to Derehem and see his comedy some time!

Sunday, February 17, 2008

up to my old tom green late night skype calling tricks...





I'm at about 33 minutes in, bad sound but I'm going on about how DOA is one of the best films of all time!

to quote the Badbrute: 'Undercrackers'
to quote Holly Valance: 'do me up'

lorcs
x

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Q: Who are Standup Comedians?




A: People who are smart and stay in their rooms and have found that they have the ability to endear themselves to people for short periods of time 10, 15, 20, minutes an hour, an hour and a half tops, maybe.

They slowly realize that a fulfilling life involves endearing yourself to people for periods that are longer, more like days, weeks, years, a life time, that sort of thing.

This fact makes them go back to their rooms where they try to figure out how this could be possible.

The answer to this is not doing stand up comedy, by which time they also realize that this is the only thing they now know how to do.

Then, they either then a) die b) become unfunny or c) live long lives…often the same thing and then die but their previous funniness has been erased by their subsequent life and unfunniness.


As they get lowered into the grown they say 'hey! what's up with this lining, this isn't what I asked for'...to an unappreciative audience...of three.

Charlie Rose - Colin Farrell

'poetry is kinda my diary but I don't journal...really?' You write a journal Farrell you don't 'journal'.

'howya i'd love to ride ya'...it's not really a poem is it..colin and who's the grumpy guy

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Lorcy's Dublin Stand Up Debut...

Hooray, my name up in lights, well a poster anyway, so it's still good.

Lorcan McGrain! gah! ah well

Battle of the Axe is one of the oldest and best known open mic nights in Dublin and I had a slot on Feb 7th that was a great experience to do. It was a tough gig for me, I was at home for dad's month's memorial mass and got the word to the slot. So after a bus up from Monaghan wasn't in the best mind set to do it, but it was good experience for doing a set whatever way you feel. It was great to see my homies, Danny, Claire and Fin and Karl and comics genius Bob Byrne. Tony the organiser was cool and it was good to see how the Dublin comedy nights are going.

Here's a youtube of it, you can tell by my terrible 'eh...eh' style delivery I was more nervous than my English gigs, also stuff that killed over here went down less well over there, but viewing the clip I was barrelling through it pretty crazily, where even I don't know what I'm saying,





My homies Danny, Fin and Claire looking sad...

Ha! just kidding it was all an elaborate ruse...


A certain Dumb Riffer and myself.



An here he comes young Mr. Clamnuts himself.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

'Don't Answer the Door it might be burglars'...the genius of Viz


For me, Viz is kinda like South Park, once the media brouhaha kicks over they both quitely get on with producing really funny material under the radar.

I picked up the lastest copy of Viz for the train/plane journey home recently and laughed my ass off at the every page, letterbocks and top tips still do it for me and the random strips with minor celebs such as 'Tony Slattery and His Phoney Cattery' are great. Of course, the stand out is The Drunken Bakers by Barney Farmer and Lee Healey. Healey has a site with selected reprints. It's a surreal strip where time and sense are distorted like no other with a fine line in horrific depression.
It has been getting respectable press too, e.g. Steve Lowe's Why I Love the Drunken Bakers:

The essentials don't vary much: the average black-and-white, page-long episode sees a customer coming in with a simple request for, say, a wedding cake or some buns. With the best of intentions, the sweet-looking, white-haired pair head out back to gather ingredients and mix dough. But soon, one will quietly suggest a little drop of something - Drambuie or gin, perhaps - and the other will stoically agree. Before long, they're both staggering round a smoke-filled bakery surrounded by empty spirits bottles. Again. It's tricky to say what's so appealing about their slide from being worthy citizens to utterly wrecked lost souls.

In the lastest issue the board game called 'waiting for a parcel' and the 'we love eggs' page is genius, with eggs facts like ostrich eggs being perfect for making omlettes for the world's largest man, with the later fact that Calvin Phillips the world's smallest man used to dine on omlettes made from humming bird eggs, before he died from the world's tiniest heart attack.

As much as they were a dirty reposte to stuffy DC Thompson comics like The Beano and The Dandy, Viz does seem quint these days with references to 'grumble mags' like Razzle, but that's part of its charm.

The current Viz Website has a a submit form for top tips and letterbocks adding to the mystery of how much of said features are reader generated or written in house. I will always remember the top tip: 'don't answer the door it might be burglars'.

Here's some I submitted for the laugh:

Knight Rider Fans, whenever Knight Rider isn’t on, try watching Street Hawk twice for the same effect.

Young Twats. Try wearing Trilbies indoors to save people the trouble of talking to you and finding out if you are a cunt or not.

Ryanair Passengers. Recreate the mindset of a serial killer by flying in one of our planes in front of shaven-headed kids called ‘oliver’ that kick the back of the seat repeatedly, and getting offered Baveria at 3.50 and scratch cards from an eastern European air hostess who are exactly two thirds less attractive than you thought they'd be.

Jimmy Carr. If you’re ever stuck for material, just use the Top Tips joke about using smartie tubes on cat’s legs to make him walk like a robot, but remember to do a horrible face and robot arms when saying the line so Viz fans won’t get upset.

Alcoholics. Go to different off-licenses all the time so it doesn’t look like you drink as much as you do.

People. Avoid the pain and misery from the death of loved ones by not making any friends or girlfriends in the first place.

Calvin Harris. Why not just add ‘girls’ to the end of each line you write to give the impression that go can rhyme songs properly, You dayglo fuck.

Klaxons Fans on a Budget. Recreate the effect of dayglo clobber from Topshop by taking a normal hoodie from Primark, they’re only a fiver, rip it apart, sew it back together with neon bootlaces at jizz all over it.

Idiots. Recreate the experience of a lapdancing club by watching soft porn while employing some one to keep your arms by your sides at all times and charging you 10 pounds for a warm can of carling from your own fridge.

Modern People. Why no add insult to injury by having an ostentatious poker or gun belt buckle despite the fact that you jeans are hanging below your arse.

Daily Mail Readers. Why not never leave the house so you don’t have to meet any single parents or people of different ethnic backgrounds.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

You Bladerunner? The Defective Deckard Voiceover Version Part I








Hello! :), I'm Rick Deckard, I live in the future, it rains, but I have a cool gun and I get to have the ride...kinda...I think she liked it and then I fought some guy who was a robot, kinda...yo*



Amid studio fears that even the 1982 voiceover would still be too complicated for some audiences, studio bosses came up with the conceit that if Deckard was a replicant there might be some previous less intelligent copies of him knocking around that could do the voiceover for a level more suited to the instant thrills of the post-Star Wars sci-fi generation.

For the first time ever Time Life and Times of Jimmny Homunculus is proud to present part one of this unheard voiceover, this is best enjoyed whilst watching Bladerunner: the final cut. I hope you enjoy it. You don’t need to start the dvd just yet, he has to introduce himself first:


"Hi I’m Rick Deckard I live in the future, I wear a coat and eat noodles and sometimes bang ladies up against walls, but they seem to like it, but ,whatever, she’s a robot lady right? (shit I shouldn’t be giving this sort of stuff away so soon, forget it, until later, I told the guys in the suits I’d be terrible at this…anyway)

So it doesn’t matter, phew at least I’m not a robot, that would suck wouldn’t it? Or maybe it’d be cool, like that gold one that can’t use its elbows or the wee one with the midget inside it…anyway I’m here to explain some of the things that happened to me recently.

P.S. I’ll also make a few funnies along the way to lighten the mood, because you need a few laughs in movies so you don’t have to think too hard.

Don’t worry there will be violence, breasts and flying car things, so don’t get bored with all the talking stuff that makes your head hurt.

Quick it’s starting! There’s some sort of tree thing

Some boring writing about stuff, you can skip it doesn’t matter….

I’m Rick Deckard it's Los Angeles, November 2019, there’s a good chance or rain today with high probability of me getting my ass kicked…

Wow! those firey things look cool, there’s probably some wanky music happening right now but I’ll talk over it anyway, I’m not in the film yet but I’ll tell you want's going on in the meantime.

There’s a big prymid and an eye, with some fire inside it….that must hurt.

He’s a robot! There’s some guy asking boring questions with a bellows thing, he’s a crap Bladerunner,
Heh tortoise, even I know what a tortoise is, kinda.

He’s gonna get shot!


Bang!

he got shot! that crazy robot even shot his coffee

Hahe he got shot, crappy bladerunner I’m better.

Ah shhh! Here I am,

I’m Rick Dekard here I am wearing a coat, and reading the paper, I live in the future, can’t remember what’s in the paper something about the Harlam Heroes winning Death Race 2000 or something.

It’s raining

I’m going to get some food at this restaurant that sells food

I’m asking for 4 no two two four, I’m holding up my fingers
Some guy is poking me in the back, he’s in Battlestar Galactica now, it’s cool…

Don’t know what he’s saying some sort gibberish, it doesn’t matter, he probably forgot his lines, ah "Bryant" I know him he is a nice fat man and he gives me whiskey, he lives in a wee house inside a bigger house, we’re going there now in the flying car!!

It’s the flying car, maybe it’s got laser guns on it, that would cool,




no, it doesn't have laser guns on it ...:(

That Gaff fella let me take my noodles in the car, but he won’t let me press any of the buttons…drats

He’s got a funny hat, on, he’s funny.

Here's Bryant, hi Bryant! Ah he can’t hear me…

The The Defective Deckard Voiceover Version will continue soon....

He needs me because I’m a cool bladerunner

*Obviously I love Bladerunner, it’s the best way you can spend 117-118mins (depending on the cut you watching) apart from some drug-fuelled foursome with an asian lady, a black lady and a loevely transsexual, I imagine, but Bladerunner will have to do ‘until the mess get’s here’ in the parlance of No Country for Old Men.

Update:


Check it out, performed this live at Soapbox, Oct 7, 2008


Robert Neville days....



Enhance 224 to 176



Warning: There maybe spoilers if you haven't seen I Am Legend, or read I Am Legend, or seen Blade Runner or read Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep or read books or seen films, or basically were wandering around with cotton buds tapped to your eyes dribbling and not watching what films were at the cinemas and what books were in the book shops.



If I was to invent something to drive me crazy it would be Bladerunner coming out on dvd and I Am Legend being in cinemas at the same time there is not closer fictions for loneliness than this.

It’s a common theme of my life, and my work.

They’ve never a made a close adaptation of I am Legend, jesus, it’s an amazing book. I made jokes in my stand up about how Will Smith in the movie doesn’t want to ride the vampires, like he's been on his own for three years, we see no scenes of him wanking and even when he has a 19-year-old vampire strapped down and she's sedated and breathing heavily no action, Charlton Heston would have tapped that, in the parlance of our times....he's fucked monkeys I'd seen it in a documentary....

It’s all in the book at night, when Neville looks through his peep hole and the female vampires are taunting him. Can you imagine, sexy taunting vampire ladies, when you haven't have the ride for three years, I can, and he's the last person on earth, and it doesn't matter what he does...a novel about the last man on earth that can fuck and kill anyone he wants from 1954? I don't think they'd have Will Smith running around riding slow goth ladies and staking anyone in the heart who says different...

meanwhile his ex-best-friend Bud Cortman is banging on the door shouting ‘come out Neville’ while Neville stays inside and drinks whiskey and smokes. Thats the bit that kills me in the book, it's not the crazy vampires, it's that they can talk you wouldn't mind killing faceless monsters for three years but if they were banging planks against your door every night shouting in a crazy zombie voice for you to come out evry night? When would you crack? like if you'd been alone for three years and someone goes 'come out?!' what to the pub? beyond the blood sucking bit, you'd want to, there's someone out there that wants to talk to you least...

It’s fucking amazing,

A couple of days ago I had awful time, what I refer to Robert Neville Days, before Christmas for about a month and a half I had been working every day, at kitchen work and teaching, knowing that my dad was very ill. Robert Neville Days for me, and since then, mean that you want to stay in your room and not deal with anything in the outside world (be it outside you door, or Internet connection) because they are vampires and you are waiting for morning so you can wander around and kill them all, in the parlance of Neville, the bastards.

You feel like explaining to anyone who can be at all interested to ask that science fiction isn't some wanky laugh, orm silver space ship, it's that the loneliness of somthing like I Am Legend (the book, not the film with the wanky christian/village shite tagged on) or Bladerunner is the ultimate in loneliness, and loneliness and alienation and awfulness are as much science fiction to most that read it as zap guns and green ladies are as those who don't.

These fictions to speak to people like me (and maybe you), you can have your bibles or P.S. I Love Yous or whatever stories get you throught the night it doesn't matter these are amazing stories for the lonely, the melodrama for the teenage boy.

To be the last man on earth?
To be hunting and killing what you might be and what you might fall in love it...?

beat that Jesus...

you fecker
that'll teach you not to let me wank....

Holy Fucking Christ....


Sombody somewhere nominated my blog, my blog, written by the monged individual above, somewhere for something:

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

e-migrate, must make up some more words!


Check it out, mentioned in a post a while back that 'e-migrate' should be a term for when yourself and a group en masse move from one social networking site to another, like from myspace to facebook. It got excepted must put more up like, Admiral then President Thomas 'Tug' Benson, Lloyd Bridges's character in Hot Shots, like i've just tugged my Benson, or he's a right Tug Benson. Hot Shots remember that, remember when parody films had an internally conherent logic and were like, you know, funny, not just a string of recognition and bad jokes.

Comedian - a movie trailer for Jerry Seinfeld w/ Hal Douglas

'no I like it here...'

Friday, January 25, 2008

On the Edge of Blade Runner...pity it's not in the dvd set

Comedy MySpace

Hello there, I've just set up a comedy myspace. I hadn't really bothered with Myspace for ages having e-migrated (is that a word yet can I coin it?*) to Facebook, so there's just a list of upcoming gigs at the moment, might do some youtube rants on the Webcam later and put them up.

*Doesn't seem to be so I have! (pending editor's review) ah the joys of the Internet.

Thursday, January 24, 2008